


Signs

by Asimpledotdotdot



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, American Sign Language, Deaf Character, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, High School, Homophobic Slurs, M/M, Young Castiel/Young Dean Winchester, slight angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-01
Updated: 2014-07-14
Packaged: 2018-01-27 20:37:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 63,888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1721789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Asimpledotdotdot/pseuds/Asimpledotdotdot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean Winchester is starting junior year at the same old high school but when he meets Castiel Novak, he makes a new friend. </p><p>New to the small town, Castiel Novak is thrilled to meet new people so early. When he discovers Dean will be taking American Sign Language with him he decides to help tutor and teach him. </p><p>As their friendship blossoms, so does their relationship as they travel through the thick and thin of Junior year.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I Saw the Sign Part I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Dean," she huffs. "I know you haven't been reading that book for a good ten minutes. You've been finding any excuse not to finish it." She pauses and turns her head slightly towards the two people signing. With a smile she catches me glancing at them once more and she laughs. "I see you found something better than your book."
> 
> "Maybe," I admit.

Another year has come and gone and school is about to start up again. Junior year is almost here and I've got senioritis before school even begins.

I sit in the far corner of the coffee house, finishing my summer reading, enjoying my latte. The smell of roasting coffee and steaming creamer fills the air. A soothing aroma.

The bell above the door jingles as two customers enter. I glance up from the page and notice a man, around my age, and a woman about 10 years older. They get into line and immediately catch my attention. I notice the taught shoulders and slender back of the man, his dark gray shirt meeting his whitewashed jeans, complementing his legs and hips. His hair falls back as he laughs. What a great sound.

The woman before him is very expressive, her face lighting up as they speak. Soft auburn hair falls down her shoulders. Her hands are a flurry of movements, twisting and turning as if she were playing charades. I raise an eyebrow as I watch them. The man shifts his weight and I can see his hands mimicking the girls. For a moment I'm confused until I realize they’re signing to each other. One of them must be deaf or something.

I had registered for sign language this year because I had to get my two years of language in to graduate and I figured, _it's only muscle memory_. But now actually seeing the art of it, it doesn't seem so simple. Hell, it actually seems foreign; not like charades at all.

They move to the register, giving their orders with ease. The cashier is one of my best friends, another soon to be Junior, Jo. Her blonde hair bobs as she smiles at the two. She had been the one to get me to sign up for sign language. She loved it and insisted I take it. I watch as she writes down their orders with a glowing grin.

She understands their signing and signs back, holding a small conversation. They leave the counter and sit at the table in front of me, a two seater.

The light from the glass window behind me shines through and illuminates their features. His hands are the first thing I really see. Long fingers glide through the air with grace. His soft skin glows under the sunlight and his hands move toward his mouth. He gestures as if sipping a cup, no doubt talking about the drinks. Jo walks over with their drinks and sets them at their table. With a gesture of thanks they continue their conversation.

The woman looks into the mans eyes, signing some more, letting the drinks cool before taking a sip. Almost immediately she smiles and nods her head, as if to confirm something the man had said. I look up from her features and back to the man's. His hand sweeps over his jawline to his ears, tucking away a stray hair. His hair is a controlled mess, ruffled dark above his eyes. Those eyes. They're luscious spheres of blues swirling to meet his dark pupils.

Drowning in his seas of blue, lost in thought, I don't notice Jo taking off her apron and sating down next to me until she's blocking my view of the two. I snap back to reality and let out a heavy sigh. She smiles and I roll my eyes.

"Whatcha looking at?" She asks, drawing out the first syllable of each word, hinting a smile.

"Nothing," I say hurriedly, my voice higher than I had anticipated. I return my gaze to my book, pretending to be consumed in it. But all I can see are those bright navy eyes.

"Dean," she huffs. "I know you haven't been reading that book for a good ten minutes. You've been finding any excuse not to finish it." She pauses and turns her head slightly towards the two people signing. With a smile she catches me glancing at them once more and she laughs. "I see you found something better than your book."

"Maybe," I admit. After a moment I meet her eyes with a question.

"Yes," she confirms my silent question. "They're signing to each other. That right there," she sighs, "that beautiful communication is called American Sign Language, which, thanks to me, you'll be joining when school starts." She pauses. "Maybe he'll teach you some before you start." Ugh don't remind me. I really wish school was over with. The place is full of stuck up snobs and nosy bitches.

But as she refers to the boy I ask, "Whad'ya mean?"

"He's new to our school," she explains. "His sister's here helping him move into his new house with his older brother." 

"You got all that from his hands in such a short amount of time? You talked to them, for what, a minute?" I scoff, though slightly intrigued.

"He can speak ya know. It's his sister that's deaf." She sighs, and I feel like an idiot. "He's actually a few blocks away from you. Next door to Charlie. You've probably seen the moving van, what with all your gaming going on with Charlie."

My house is up the street from the little shops and coffee houses. A good 15 minute walk uphill but just on the border of town. I had noticed the moving van but figured it was a couple of old people, which our quaint tourist town seemed to attract.

I start thinking of the cars that accompanied the moving van, but before I know it, the red head is waving goodbye and Jo is up and talking to the brilliant eyed boy. To my surprise and slight dread, she drags him over and sits him down at the table. The little shop feels incredibly crowded even though there's only two other customers across the room. I feel his bright eyes on me.

"This is Dean," she motions to me, having probably explained I practically live next door on the weekends and that it'd be nice to have a friend in this small town. I smile softly, politely but suddenly genuinely as those pools of blue meet my eyes.

"Hello, Dean," a gentle but gruff sound coming from the boy. "My name is Castiel." His smile brilliant and dazzling, magnifying his features.

Without knowing it, I had reached out my hand to meet his and we were suddenly shaking hands. A firm but warm grip. His name suddenly registers but I decide not to ask. A jolt of energy shoots up my arm as I retract my hand to hide it. I clear my throat. "Cherry '69 Shelby GT500?"

Castiel glances away with a smile. "That would be Gabriel's," he sighs. "My brother." Something about him makes me smile. I can't tell if it's his ridiculous smile, or the way his voice drops with his gaze, not to mention those anime eyes.

"So yours must be the pimpmobile?" I laugh. He looks up questionably. Jo looks at me as if to say 'this is why you never make new friends' and I clarify gently, "the '78 Lincoln Continental Mark V?"

The planetary orbs beneath his brows widen as if he's impressed. "I take it you know your cars?" His smile radiates throughout the now empty coffee house.

Jo and I laugh in unison. "Know his cars?" She motions towards me. "This guy practically breathes exhaust and sweats grease." Not the best image, though wildly accurate.

"The impala's my baby," I say with a knowing smile. I turn my head and eye her by the curb. Castiel's gaze follows mine.

"Oh, yes! I saw her when we arrived at our house. My brother flipped, spazzing about how beautiful she was. And," he pauses with his eyes locked on mine, "Sure is beautiful."

Another blush creeps up as Jo starts in about the town and the school, but I don't hear a word she says. I only hear the sound of my heart beating all too loudly.

After about ten minutes of talking, Jo offers him a ride. His sister had driven him and he was planning on walking home. She insisted she give him a ride. It's funny because I'm her ride, but not a damn taxi service.

I agree with a groan but I don't really care. "I'm going over to Charlie's. Just broke up with the girlfriend so I figured I'd go over and game it up." I say as we walk out to my baby.

I open the backseat for Castiel and something cringes in his eyes at my words. I pause and give him a smile, guessing breakups are a touchy-feely thing. I head to the drivers side. Jo coughs loudly as I purposefully forget to open her door. That's what she gets for offering my services like it's nothing. Though I couldn't of let this kid walk home by himself. Poor kid would get lost.

I start the engine and baby roars to life. Her purr sounds happier for some reason. Maybe it's the new found company she approves of.

I race down the street blaring Metallica. I look in the rear view mirror to see Castiel smiling out the window, taking in the scenery. Jo yells at me to turn down the music. I just turn it up. Castiel laughs and for a moment so do I.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This first part is from Dean's perspective, and I may be switching on and off between Dean and Castiel. Feedback is welcome and wanted! Hope you enjoy.
> 
> "I Saw the Sign" by Ace of Base


	2. I Saw the Sign Part II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I sigh and sink into the couch. "His names Dean." I say.
> 
> "Deeeaannnnn?" He teases. "Did someone make a new friend?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is Castiel's house!! and room, so it's more clear, I suck at scale so....  
> [Cas's house](http://asimpledotdotdot.tumblr.com/post/91412027153/so-this-is-what-castiels-house-looks-like-in)

I wave goodbye as we shuffle out of the car in opposite directions. Dean had dropped Jo off near the high school. The ride was a little awkward at first without the flamboyant Jo, but he seemed to be happy, which rubbed off on me. He was impressed when I hummed along to "Eye of the Tiger" and down right belted out "Back in Black". I only sang like that around Gabe and Anna. Dean just had a naturally magnetizing personality. I hadn't expected to meet anyone until school started and even then I didn't expect to really fit in. I'm just not super social. Though Jo's quick acceptance and Dean's silent approval made my heart tinge. It felt nice to know some people. Maybe some good was headed my way for a change.

Dean heads next door to Charlie's and I walk up to the new house. The mustang is here so Gabriel must be home. Hopefully he's unpacking, but I doubt that.

I walk in and he's suddenly got his arm around my neck, playing with my hair. "How'd my baby brother get a ride with that hunk in _that_ beauty?" He laughs letting me go, planting himself on the couch. "Well, do tell." He eggs.

I sigh and sink into the couch. "His names Dean." I say.

"Deeeaannnnn?" He teases. "Did someone make a new friend?" He speaks as though I'm a baby. I roll my eyes at his annoying attitude.

"Shut up, you ass," I laugh and toss a throw pillow at him. "I met him when Anna took me out for coffee. The barista knew sign langague and we just sorta clicked." I pause thinking about Jo. "She reminds me of mom, taking a liking to almost anyone. She has a motherly quality to her." I start to smile at the thought of mom. Gabriel quickly rejects the comment.

"Earth to Freud, that's not what I asked. I asked about that leather greaser." He wiggles his eyebrow suggestively.

"He's no greaser Gabe." I laugh. "Jo introduced me, said he hung out next door all the time. His friend lives there. He dropped me off because they're having a guys night." I pause, thinking of what they were actually doing, thinking of how Charlie is reacting. I don't know him but break ups suck. Period. "Charlie, his friend, broke up with his girlfriend." My smile fades a little as I think of Meg. We broke up a couple of months ago but with the move and all I haven't really registered all these emotions.

Gabe may have seen my signature Meg look because he throws the pillow back, not phasing me. Ever since we broke up, I always get a little down when I think of her. It wasn't a bad break up, but we had our problems. She was too controlling and a bit wild. But I still loved her... 

"Castiel, she was a fucking asshole that told you what to do like you were her little bitch. Literately. You were like a puppy! Following her around everywhere." He pauses as I sit back down and hold the pillow to my chest, breathing hard. "I'm not saying you two didn't have something, but that ship sank seasons ago." He scoots closer and wraps his arm around me. He is damn protective when it comes to me and, while usually hating such emotional things, he's always there for me.

"She wasn't," I start but immediately stop defending her. Maybe it was a bad break up. I had no idea and she just dropped it on me. I didn't understand. I was so dependent on her I didn't see what was right in front of me. A few tears fall down my face and I clutch the pillow harder, leaning into Gabriel's arms.

"Shh, I know," he soothes. He runs his hand down my hair and rubs my back just like mom used to. I start to cry harder. Thoughts of her beautiful terrible highlights falling down her shoulders. Her satirical attitude, knowing what I needed when I didn't even know. She seems perfect thinking back on her. How'd I lose something so wonderful? We sit there like that until I calm down. I play our relationship from start to finish in my head, adding all the negatives and understanding why it needed to end. I take a deep, shuddering breath. "Good, see? You're ok." He smiles warmly at me. And with his other hand ruffles my hair gently.

He grabs the remote and, per usual, neglects the boxes painted across the floor. I sit up, shaking away any lingering sadness. He chooses to watch a movie with me instead. He turns the TV on and "Dr. Sexy" pops up. I roll my eyes and laugh. He smiles and sits back. "This, this is a doctor. Not some alien guy."

I laugh. "I'm pretty sure The Doctor has much more experience saving lives than Dr. Sexy."

"Yah, but come on! It's _Dr. Sexy!_ " He smiles. Pushing my head into the couch playfully. Now that's my big brother.

I sit through three whole episodes with him. I'm definitely not in my right mind if I sat through that. I get up to go to my room to finish unpacking when there's a knock at the door. Gabe looks at me. I head to the door to find Dean.

"Hey," he says peaking into the house, seeing all the boxes. "You left your phone in my baby." I squint my eyes when I realize just how he feels about his car. I smile and chuckle to myself. He hands me my phone and I gesture him in. He takes a few steps. His eyes land on my brother who makes a face at me. Dean laughs and then he sees Dr. Sexy and his jaw drops.

No. No, no, no. Please do not tell me he-

"Is that Dr. Sexy?" He smiles wildly and walks over to Gabriel.

"Greaser's got good taste little bro." Gabe smiles and ushers him over to the couch. I shut the door and sigh.

"He's not a greaser, Gabe," I emphasize but Dean laughs and smiles at that. "Dean, this is my idiot brother Gabriel. Gabe this is Dean." I sit down on the armchair next to the couch.

Gabriel nods approvingly. "Yes. You are definitely the owner of that beauty. God, she's lucky." At that they start talking about cars and I drag my hand down my face, but I pay attention to some of it, most of the car talk flying over my head. I'm amazed at how well they get along.

Anna comes through the door and sees Gabe talking to Dean. I smile and wave her over. She sits on the ground facing me and the couch. She signs to me "Who's that?"

I sign back, "His name is Dean. Met him at the coffee shop. He lives up the street."

She smiles and throws another pillow at Gabriel for not saying hi.

"Oh, Anna!" He says aloud. Speaking while signing, he says, "I didn't see you there, sorry."

Dean’s eyes grow big and he smiles watching the hands move in various motions.

"That's because you're an assbutt," I smile, signing and speaking.

Anna laughs loudly, a beautiful laugh that is so genuine and rich with joy. She lights up the room as always, her red waves falling over her shoulders, shaking with her body.

Dean pipes up, "Hey," looks at me and asks, "Will you teach me some of that?" I smile and sign it for Anna who smiles.

I turn to Dean and with my hands teach him, "My name is Dean. Nice to meet you." He repeats the movements. He's a little rough at first but slides right into it to my amazement. "Dean, you're not half bad." I sign and speak so Anna follows the conversation.

"Well Jo got me to sign up for sign language this year." He offers with a smile. Gabe interprets for Anna.

Anna signs, "That's really cool! Jo is the barista from the coffee bar?" I translate for Dean. He nods.

I smile. "I'm taking sign language as well. Sadly I've been placed in ASL 1, though I'm almost fluent. School rules, I guess."

"Well, there's only one ASL 1 period. Looks like you'll be teaching me more than," he smiles and shows off his knowledge so far signing, "Hi my name is Dean. Nice to--"

I quickly reach my hands out and grab his as we all burst into laughter. I blush and he does too. His hands are warm and smooth. I thought they'd be rougher. I figured him an auto guy. His hands don't pull away from mine. His eyes smile for a split second before he asks, "What? What's so funny?"

Gabe guffaws on the couch and I shake my head. Anna gives me a look and teasingly signs, "You've only just met and you've already done that?" Gabe laughs harder, nodding his head teasing me as well.

Dean is very confused now. I tighten my grip a little, a friendly gesture. "Dean, you didn't sign 'nice to meet you'," I pause. "You signed 'nice to fuck you'."

His cheeks turn cherry red, matching the mustang out front. "Oh," he whispers as he realizes the sentence he had said, asking for me to teach him more than 'nice to fuck you'. "I was not suggesting you teach me to--"

"Don't, otherwise Gabriel will just about explode from laughter." I smile and let go of his hands, though something inside me protests. I explain the difference between signing 'meet' with just the index finger versus the index and the middle finger. Gabriel's finally calmed down. Anna's happy Dean made an effort to learn how to sign. It's a very kind gesture to her. As I finish explaining, it just rolls off my tongue and I say, "Two fingers can make all the difference."

Gabe cannot control himself. He cackles so loudly Anna can feel the vibrations. She gives both of us a questioning look. Gabe can barely sign it. She laughs as well. I blush to match the mustang, just as Dean had done, this time he blushes with me. I cover my face with my hands and defensively try to explain to Gabriel and Anna, but it's no use. Embarrassed, I usher Dean to my room.

Before I can close the door, Gabe calls out teasingly, "Remember, Cassie! Two fingers makes all the difference!" And he laughs more.

I plop on my bed perpendicular to the door, face first, and groan loudly. Dean laughs and sits on the corner of the bed parallel to my door.

We settle and he looks around my room taking it all in. My two beds, from my old house. I used to have friends over and the two beds prevented bad backs from sleeping on the floor. But I don't know if they'll serve the same purpose anymore. He eyes The Lord of the Rings poster on the wall, the Doctor Who posters, and smiles at the few bobble heads on my desk I had unpacked.

I sit up. "I apologize for that, Dean. Now you've met my brother, sadly." I huff and follow his eyes around my room. "I haven't unfinished packing but, as you can probably tell, I'm a bit of a geek." I've got nothing to hide. He's met my brother and is still here, something not many people can do.

"Don't tell your brother, but as I do enjoy Dr. Sexy, he doesn't compare to a time lord." He smiles, a dimple now noticeable.

My jaw drops and my eyes widen. "No. Way."

"Yah," he awkwardly scratches his neck. "It's pretty good. My brother got me into it."

I walk over and take a few things out of the boxes. "I never had you picked as a geek."

He laughs and admits, "Closet geek."

I rummage through the box in front of me. I think of how lucky I am to have run into a Whovian my first day out on the town. I place some more things onto my desk and continue rummaging through the last box. 

"So," he breaks the silence. I turn and he's got his hand scratching the back of his neck. A simple gesture, nonetheless addressing the awkwardness of the situation.

"Right," I mumble. "Listen, thank you for bringing my phone over. And for the ride," I pause, thinking through my next sentence.

"No biggie," he interrupts. "I've got to get back to my little brother though." He smiles. 

"Right, no, of course," I mumble and open my door, Gabe and Anna carrying a conversation. I lead him to the door and he exchanges goodbyes with them.

"Thanks for uh, having me over, and teaching me, uh, that." He smiles and lightly blushes. Again scratching his neck. "I guess I'll see you around, Cas?" I smile at the nickname, far better than Gabe's 'Cassie', and wave good bye.

I close the door behind me and roll my eyes at Gabriel's taunts. I grab some food from the kitchen and return to my room. I think over the pleasant events that have occurred today. I reach out for my phone. I grab it and unlock it, the screen revealing _contacts_ with a new contact entered,  _Dean_. I smile and shake my head, reaching for the Xbox controller.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I think I'll be switching point of views between the two of them. This is my first fanfic and I hope to get feedback! I'm really enjoying just writing and I hope you enjoy reading it!
> 
> "I Saw the Sign" by Ace of Base


	3. Carry On My Wayward Son

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Dean! What's gotten into you?" He asks confused, peaking through the crack in my door. I'm lying on my back, eyes glazed. A realization crosses his face. Oh, he's going to have fun with this. "Dean's got a cruuuush!" He taunts in a sing song voice. God, he's adorable even when he's annoying.

"Where have you been?" Sam asks in his best adult voice. I laugh and toss my stuff on the counter and join him on the couch.

"Everywhere and nowhere," he scoffs as I ruffle his hair up. "Just the usual. Got some reading in at the coffee shop, gave Jo a ride, gamed with Charlie... Nothing big." I smile at his distrusting puppy dog eyes.

"You've been gone since 12. It's like," he pears at the clock on the wall. "7:30?"

"You caught me," I laugh with my hands in the air. "I met a new kid at the coffee shop. He's the one next door to Charlie, the one with the pimpmobile. He forgot his phone in my car- I gave him a ride home- and I went over to his place and chilled for a bit." I sigh. "Guess I lost track of time.” I splay my fingers out in a 'what can I say' gesture.

"I made dinner. There's some leftovers in the fridge." He stops, suddenly serious, dampening my mood ever so slightly. "Dad got called off on business. He's heading up north for the next couple of days." He adverts his gaze, looking over his fingers. "He's only been here a week and is already off again."

"Sammy," I start, turning towards him. "Dad's... dad. He gets called away, it's stupid and unfair, but hey. We've got a house and the best school district around." I pause, swallowing my anger at my father. 

"A three bedroom apartment with paper thin walls and loud ass neighbours," Sam gripes. 

"You don't like it, you can go live with Bobby." I snap. "We're close to school and town. Dad's doing the best he can."

"And what's that?" he snaps back. "Leaving every other weekend, making you take care of me and never giving you time to yourself because you're always so distracted with me?" he sighs angrily. "He's an asshole and you shouldn't be defending him. How do we even still call him 'dad'?"

I pinch the bridge of my nose. "Sam... You know how he irritates me." I huff, apologizing for my lashing out about our dad of the year. But what am I supposed to say? You're right, dad's a jerk, fuck him we don't need him? As much as I'd like to deny, we do need him. Even if we don't _want_ him.

"It's not your fault," he finally meets my eyes, taking a deep breath. "You're right, dad's dad." His lips tighten into a thin line, but he softens his gaze, knowing there's nothing I can do about it. It's because of this I hold so much resentment towards my dad. God, he's such an asshole sometimes. 

He's always off on business. He's never home and as much as he tries, he's barely our father. It's always Bobby checking in on us. He doesn't even tell us what he does. Sam likes to think he's CIA or some shit. With all the hushed tones, late night phone calls, and the strangers always at our door, what else could Sam think. After mom died Dad's always been distant, focusing on work so he doesn't have to deal with those feelings. Coward. Whatever he does, it sure isn't great pay and sure as hell is no excuse for him to never be home. Hell, home stopped including him years ago. I never told Sammy, but I sometimes feel as though he has another family he has to take care of. The very thought burns an ache in my heart.

"I gotta go and finish my reading," I interrupt, getting off the couch. "You going anywhere tomorrow? Last Friday of the summer." I give him a small grin, trying to make him smile and clear the negative atmosphere. "Going to Jess's?" I tease and he blushes.

"Maybe," he cracks a smile. There's my little brother, happy little Sammy. "What's it to you?"

"Better be using those condoms you stole from me," I laugh as he blushes, embarrassment with a hint of annoyance and anger.

He gives me a look and throws the closest thing at me, his book.

"I'm kidding, I'm kidding! God, who pissed in your cereal?"

He smirks. "It wasn't my cereal with piss in it," and with that he grabs his book and bolts for his room. “Plus, it’s not like you ever use them,” and I can practically hear his smirk.

"You little... It's on bitch!" I yell at him as I grab some food, hopefully piss-free. 

"Jerk!" he cries through the door.

I laugh and heat up the stir fry Sam made,  _gag_. God, he's such a healthy kid. What's wrong with him? Why isn't he gobbling up sugar like every other kid his age. Too good for that, I decide. I grab some soda and the hot plate and head to my room. 

I plug in my phone and open up my laptop. I glance at my phone. Nothing. I start typing into the word doc, finishing up the essay on the summer reading. 

My thoughts drift away and I keep trying to focus, but it's useless. I sigh and think about the afternoon. A slight blush creeps up my neck. What's wrong with me? I can't stop picturing those orbs of endless blue and long gentle fingers. I can think of nothing better than to hold those delicate hands and look into those gorgeous eyes. Ugh, what's so amazing about sign language? Besides using your hands and face and entire body to communicate with someone. No need for words. Silent conversations, deep and personal. Intimate. Emotion dripping from the tips of your fingers. Eyes illustrating the words your hands convey. Especially _those_ eyes, wide and bright.

I think back to learning some basic signs, blushing at the mistake I made and chuckling quietly to myself. God, something about the way I saw Castiel signing, I just can't shake it. I don't realize how lost in thought I am until Sam is practically yelling at me.

"Dean! What's gotten into you?" He asks confused, peaking through the crack in my door. I'm lying on my back, eyes glazed. A realization crosses his face. Oh, he's going to have fun with this. "Dean's got a cruuuush!" He taunts in a sing song voice. God, he's adorable even when he's annoying.

"Shut up!" I yell back at him, sitting up and throwing my jacket at him.

He laughs and smiles. "Just the 'new kid' my ass." He pauses, a wild grin spreading across his face. "More like your a-"

I get up and shut the door. God, he's a little shit sometimes. I roll my eyes and plop back on the bed, eyeing the clock. 9:15. That essay must have taken longer than I thought. And I must of been pretty deep in thought. I grab my phone to see a message from Jo from 20 minutes ago.

_Sooo?_

I text back,  _shut up._

_I was just gonna ask how Charlie was... not at all gonna mention blue eyes_

I roll my eyes,  _Charlie's alright. We gamed a bit then I headed over to Cas's. he forgot his phone._

_Oh did he now?_

I sigh, _yah. his sister came over and he taught me some sign language._ I wasn't gonna mention anything more. Like my slip of the hands or his slip of the tongue. 

_Ooh fun_

_Yeah I guess._ I smile and add,  _I'm off to bed, night._

_Nice subject change_

_Goodnight Jo,_ I reply tired.

_Ugh, fine, night. See you tomorrow for a ride?_

Ugh, that's right.  _Can't you walk?_

_Hell no, plus you owe me._

She's right though, I kind of do owe her.  _Pick you up at 10_

_kk_

I lock my phone and flip the light switch. I lay in the dark for a few minutes before going off to sleep. The last image in my head is of those little galactic planets spiralling beneath those dark brows.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Carry On My Wayward Son" by Kansas


	4. Back in Black

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jo and Dean and Ash look at me with a smile on their faces. I must have said the right thing because Chuck speaks up, "Just like the angel I knew he was," and everyone laughs.

I toss my jansport into the passenger seat and start the engine. 

7:34 the clock on my dash reads.  _Fuck_. I'm going to be late on my first day. Why do they start on a Tuesday? Why not Monday? As I shift into reverse, a small redhead runs out of the house next door. She taps on my window and I roll it down.

"Castiel?" She asks in a huff, obviously late as well.

"Um, yes?" I respond, unsure how she knows me. She must be Charlie's sister or something. Did Dean talk about me to Charlie? 

"I'm Charlie. Dean told me you lived next door, and," she trails off.

"You're Charlie?" I ask confused. But unlock the door and she gets in, tossing my backpack into the back seat. She acts as though this is all normal.

"Yeah, who'd you think?" She meets my furrowed brows. "Sorry for skipping pleasantries," she offers as she buckles her seat belt. I drive off to school.

"It's-it's ok." I smile. "Nice to meet you Charlie, I'm Castiel." 

She swipes her bangs out of her face and returns my smile. "I'm sorry for jumping in, I just..." We both look at the clock. 7:38.

I nod. "Wouldn't want you late for the first day."

"Please," she sighs. "I'm always late. This ride is a sign. Maybe school won't be so bad this year." She gives me a sweet smile, reminding me of my sister. Those bright red curls falling everywhere. I chuckle softly.

We pull into the parking lot, with four minutes to spare. I grab my bag and walk with her towards school, lucky enough to have found a parking spot.

We both head for first period, AP World History. I slide into an empty seat near the back and she sits near the front and greets some friends. I let out a long breathe as the final bell rings.

A hunched figure emerges from behind the desk. The class is quiet as the man writes on the whiteboard in black, _Mr. Crowley._ He turns with a devious grin. His lips part as he begins to speak.

The door opens and dark denim jeans stride in, black boots tap the tiled floor. Leather jacket hanging loosely off his shoulders. Dean plops in the seat behind me, with a mischievous grin.

"Welcome to Hell, kids." Mr. Crowley balks, a chunky accent emphasizing his words. He goes through attendance quickly, not really caring. He says Dean's name with a smirk. After that he grabs a stack of stapled papers. He continues to drone on, bored, about the syllabus as he passes it out. "Now will one of you squirrels assist me with passing out your textbooks?" His devious grin, now trademark Crowley, spreads as he eyes Dean behind me. "Winchester, my favourite little squirrel, perhaps you'd like to help."

Dean rolls his eyes and gets up to help pass out books.

"Can't say it's good to have you back." Mr. Crowley growls beneath his grin as Dean returns with a smirk.

"Can't say it's good to be back," Dean barks, heartily, dropping books on desks with loud thuds.

He hands me my book with a small smile and returns to his seat.

The bell rings and I look at the piece of paper I pulled out of my pocket. Period two, algebra II. I meet Jo on the way and she smiles. We enter the room and sit near the front.

"Excited for the new year?" She asks, her smile bright and sweet.

"Well, I started it off with Mr. Crowley, he's rather-"

"Ooh, poor kid." She brushes my hand gently. "I feel your pain. I had him last year."

"I had to take World this year because I had already taken US History at my old school." I offer, enjoying her pleasant vibe. I like how easy she is to talk to. This is the third time I've seen her since the coffee shop. I ran into her at the library, once more at the coffee shop, and then ended up going shopping for school supplies with her. She suggested the binders and folders, knowing exactly what I needed for the coming school year. We briefly discussed this when we got a rather large notebook for AP World.

She snickers. "Dean has to take that class again."

"Yeah, Crowley wasn't too happy to see him this morning." I laugh.

"Crowley's never happy to see anyone. But he has a soft side for Dean, for whatever reason." The bell rings and class starts.

Class goes by rather fast, as I particularly like math. Jo says I'm weird when I seem to understand everything the teacher talks about. I head to third period, a class I rather look forward to, American Sign Language.

I see the familiar black bag on leather and catch up to Dean. "Hey." I breathe. "Try not to sign fuck this time." He laughs, gives me the finger, and claps my shoulder as we enter the class. A bright, warm vanilla scent fills the air. Soothing, calming. I'm going to enjoy this class. We take our seats towards the left of the class where a familiar redhead waves us over. We're the only two juniors in the class, but it's nice to see Charlie. Most of the class is filled with freshmen and sophomores.

The brunette woman smiles up at everyone as she takes attendance, making sure to say everyone's name right.

We go over finger spelling. Dean already knows four of the letters. He understands it pretty well but still keeps asking me if he's doing it right. I think he likes the praise. Either that, or just likes looking at my hands, which I keep catching him doing. Each time I return his blush with an amused smile.

We learn how to sign our names and the teacher, Ms. Talbot, converses with me as I mainly sign instead of speak. I reveal my sister is deaf and she takes a liking to me. She seems to like Dean as well, as he signs like a natural.

After class, Dean guides me to the table he and Jo sit at during break and lunch. A bushy haired boy sits beside Jo with his notebook open, sketching and drawing. Stubble covers his chin, a tired just got out of bed look covering his face.

"Chuck, this is Castiel," Jo smiles. Chuck mumbles a hello, starting a new sketch, intently looking at me.

"You've got the eyes of an angel," he quietly remarks. I blush. "Sorry," he says. "You remind me of one of my characters."

"Chuck's an artist and a writer." Jo explains. I smile at being compared to one of his sketches.

Another boy sits beside him, opening his laptop. He peers above his screen, with furrowed brows, eyes widening. "Who's the new kid?" 

"Castiel," Chuck offers. 

"He looks just like-"

"I know dude. Isn't that weird?" Chuck agrees, suggesting the character I must resemble. I blush.

"I'm Ash," the lanky, long haired boy smiles and returns to his laptop.

"He's sort of... Well, an introvert." Dean smiles and Ash gives him a playful glare.

"And you're sort of... Well, an asshole," Ash smiles.

"Sort of?" Dean asks, grabbing at his heart. "Ouch man. I don't strive for  _sort of._ " He laughs, Jo smacking his shoulder playfully.

Jo's friends all seem to take a liking to me. It feels nice. Charlie arrives, but is cut short when the bell rings.

I wave goodbye and head to English with Chuck and Dean. 

"Did you finish your essay?" Chuck chides Dean.

"Yeah, I actually did." He smiles and Chuck has surprise spread across his face. "What about you Cas?"

I had quickly read over the book Sunday after meeting Jo at the library. She told me about the summer reading. "I read it and half-assed a paper on it." They chuckle.

As we enter, we get assigned seats. I'm next to Chuck and Dean is placed across the room, facing us. He falls asleep halfway through class. We go over mythology and start reading a Native American Tale. The bell rings and Dean bolts for the door, sleep washed over his face. Chuck and I laugh. I head to science, boring and simple physics. I'd already taken Chemistry and knew most of the subject.

I catch up with everyone at the table during lunch. Charlie joins us and they all talk about their summers. Jo asks Charlie how the break up went when a sudden sadness crosses Charlie's eyes. I follow her gaze to a girl walking by, talking to a boy. I wonder if that was her girlfriend. 

"I'm never being some straight girl's experiment again." She sighs, but is more angry than hurt.

"Bitches," Dean mutters between a pulled-pork sandwich.

"You'll find someone," I chime in. "But you don't need anyone Charlie. You seem smart and funny. You don't need anyone but yourself. You seem perfectly fine on your own." She gives me a sweet look, her eyes watery. 

Jo and Dean and Ash look at me with a smile on their faces. I must have said the right thing because Chuck speaks up, "Just like the angel I knew he was," and everyone laughs.

The rest of the day slides by as I join Ash in computer science. I finish off with Charlie in Drama.

After school, I drive Jo down to the coffee shop for Dean and do some homework. Dean had to go pick up his brother and couldn't give her a ride. I drive her home as well, starting to become her ride. But it's really no expense. I get my homework done and head home like I usually would, giving her a lift as well.

The next two weeks carry on in a similar fashion. Anna had driven back to her house down south and Gabriel had finally unpacked his boxes by the second Friday night. He finally finishes today, and I’m very glad I don’t have to keep pestering him to do so.

I start making some dinner for us when Charlie texts me.

 _Dean's heading over. Put your jeans on instead of those sweats so he can take them off himself (;_  I usually change the moment I get home. 

I chuckle. For the last couple of weeks Charlie has been hanging out with me, teasing me about Dean. She thinks he likes me. He doesn't seem gay or whatever. Just a big flirt. She and Jo both admitted he can't take his eyes off me. Charlie noticing his lingering eyes on my hands throughout sign language. Jo reminding me of catching him staring into my eyes. Everyone thinks my eyes are amazing. I don't see the big deal. And he only looks at my hands because, well, hello, it's sign language. But still, my stomach flutters a bit at their emphasis and sureness on the subject. After hanging out with him during lunch and sometimes after school, our friendship had grown stronger. That’s also when I started to realize I liked him in more than just a platonic friendly way. But I didn’t want to risk ruining our friendship over something that I doubt he even reciprocates.

 _Isn't he taking his brother out tonight?_ I reply, remembering Dean saying something about taking Sam to some school thing.

_Nah. He ditched for his girlfriend. Dean's chill with it._

Before I can respond there's a rap at the door. I yell “I'll get it!” but Gabriel, anticipating the driver of the beautiful Impala, beats me to it.

"Greaser! Come on in." He smiles, ushering Dean inside. Dean laughs. "Cassie, baby!" Gabe calls annoyingly. "Your boy—“

I come out of the kitchen, salad bowl in hand. "Dean," I smile, cutting Gabriel off adding a glare. He only laughs.

Dean smiles. "Hey Martha Stewart." I roll my eyes.

"I'm making some pasta and salad for dinner. You're more than welcome to join." I offer and Dean nods.

"Thanks man," he comes into the kitchen, brushing my shoulder as he does so. My stomach flutters once more and I push away the feeling.

Once Dean sits himself at the kitchen bar, I check the pasta. Gabriel follows me.

"Smells good, Cassie." He teases. Then, so Dean doesn't understand, he signs to me rather non-discreetly, "Cooking dinner for your boyfriend? How adorable. My little Cassie's all grown up. Gonna get it on tonight!" He winks at me and snickers at Dean's confused expression.

"Stop it," I sign. That much Dean understands. I grab a rag by the sink and throw it at Gabe. He just winks and shrugs away.

"Uh," Dean begins. "What was all that about?"

I say nothing, stirring the pasta sauce. After a moment I smile and admit, "Just Gabe being Gabe. Teasing as usual."

"Teasing you about what?" He asks interested, an idea forming in his head. His eyes glance towards the pot of pasta and sauce. They travel a little lower, but I pretend not to notice, telling myself he's just playing along.

"Nothing," I leave him with it and drain the pasta.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Back in Black" by AC/DC


	5. You Shook Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel just seems to get me. He seems to understand how I don't get all emotional over things or how I secretly geek out when it's just the two of us at lunch or break. Or now as we turn off the movie and put something good on. He starts Star Wars and I swear I can't wipe the stupid grin off my face. Dammit, who is this guy?

After Castiel's delicious Italian dinner, I join him in his room. It's fully unpacked and filled with the little things that make up his personality. We play some video games. I make fun of him for how bad he is at first person shooter games, despite how many he has.

He's different, that's for sure. Something about him just speaks to me on a different level. For the last couple of years I've stuck to the same people and the same things. But oddly enough, we click. It’s been two weeks since we met at the coffee house. I’ve gotten to know him and his quirks. He’s really smart and has helped me maintain a solid “A” in sign. The more we’ve hung out and talked, the more comfortable I’ve grown with him. I guess he just gets me. I don't know why. But it’s starting to feel like something more, to me at least. Goddamn feelings.

I notice a picture of his family on the side table. A bright blonde mother wraps her arm around his neck. Gabriel and Anna stand to the right, another boy stands to the left. Castiel must have another brother. The picture’s at least ten years old. Castiel looks about 6 or 7. He catches me looking at it. A small sadness flows into those oceanic eyes. My heart aches.

"She died six months later." His voice is quiet and level. I reach my hand out to his shoulder. "It's been almost ten years. It's nothing new." He tries to smile as his eyes mist a little. His words fly out in a flutter, as if he hasn't talked about this in a long time. I just want to reach out and hold him, hating to see his frown. "Gabriel doesn't ever talk about it. Whenever it comes up, he always changes the topic, sweeping it under the rug. He knows how much I miss her, but he knew her better and I can’t imagine what it’s like for him to see his little brother when...” He pauses, taking a deep breath. “She was wonderful though. So sweet and kind, filling the entire room with light." I rub his shoulder, letting him know I'm listening. My own pain boils up inside as thoughts of my mother fill my head. I think of Sam and how when he asks I always try and avoid it. I’m not good with those things. He sighs with a light laugh. "Jo is just like her."

I smile softly, understanding what he means. Jo is such a mother to everyone. I've known her since I was in diapers. She's always been there when I needed her most. She's always there for me, no matter what it is. I don't realize my grip has tightened until I feel Cas's hand on my own, bringing me back to reality.

"You ok, man?" He asks, his voice soft but caring. My hand quickly falls away from his touch. I can’t risk it.

I shake my head a little, letting go of those thoughts. "Jo just has that effect on people." I say, covering up what I was really thinking. I look once more at the picture, eying the unmentioned brother.

He catches me, offering a smile with, “He’s the one we don’t talk about,” giving me a wink. I get the reference and don’t push. Castiel doesn't elaborate but instead gets up and puts on a movie. I smile at the gesture.

We watch some stupid, terribly made movie about bigfoot but we don't pay attention. We talk about moving and brothers and little funny anecdotes. I find out the boy in the family photo is his older brother Luke, which everyone calls him instead of Lucifer. They’re all named after angels, though I don’t complain. Castiel’s name is beautiful. I’ve got simple _Dean_.

Castiel just seems to get me. He seems to understand how I don't get all emotional over things or how I secretly geek out when it's just the two of us at lunch or break. Or now as we turn off the movie and put something good on. He starts Star Wars and I swear I can't wipe the stupid grin off my face. Dammit, who is this guy?

I end up staying over, watching Star Wars and Lord of the Rings. I pass out around 3 am, after he had. He had fallen asleep halfway through the last Lord of the Rings. I fell asleep during the credits, moving to his other bed and laughing at his soft snores.

I wake up to the smell of bacon and coffee. Bacon. And coffee. Who _is_ this kid? How does he know exactly what I love waking up to? I think of the mornings Sam wakes me up with his cooking. I smile softly and wipe my hand over my face, shaking away the sleep.

I enter the kitchen groggily to find Cas at the stove. I sit down at the bar and rest my head on my hand. His hair is all tousled from sleep. His shirt wrinkled and pajama bottoms, which he didn't fall asleep in, engulf his hips and legs. He doesn't notice me or my smile that I quickly dismiss. I barely know the kid, but, ugh, I can't put my finger on it. Jo was right. She'd said she'd find me a new friend and that I'd owe her. Man, did I owe her. Castiel is like nobody else. His smile, those eyes, like nothing I've seen before.

He turns and almost drops the pan. I laugh loudly as he regains himself. Gabriel plops down on the stool next to me, not surprised that I had spent the night. Cas finishes breakfast and I eat gratefully. Gabriel signs something to him that gets a glare and a laugh out of Cas. God, why can't he just tease him openly? Cas responds with his long fingers, a violent gesture with such grace only he can muster. I smile and scratch the back of my neck.

Castiel seems to catch that. "Sorry, he's just being an idiot as usual." Gabe throws him a look and I let out a laugh.

Breakfast is delicious. Castiel is a great cook. He's good at what seems like everything. 

Gabriel gets up and goes to his room, Adventure Time peeping through the cracked door.

I smile and Castiel puts our plates in the sink.

"Breakfast was delicious," I admire his cooking as we head to his room.

"Gabriel sucks at cooking. I have to if either of us wants a decent meal. Cooking is just one of my many motherly talents." He laughs. “Though he excels in the mother bear department. God, he can be the most over protective brother I’ve ever met.”

"I hear that. My dad's never home so I'm always watching over Sammy." The words just come out. I hadn't planned on being so open about it, but I feel like I can tell him just about anything. "Uh, he travels a lot. For business." I add.

"What's he do?" Castiel asks curiously.

I shrug. "I honestly don't know." He gives me a confused look. "Sam thinks he's some big top government official. I figure he's a bounty hunter or something, ashamed to tell us what he does for a living. He was in the Marines before we were born, so who knows what he does now. He doesn't talk about work, when he's actually home, and just offers the excuse that he _can't_ talk about it." I sigh lying on my back on Castiel’s bed. He sits beside me. His eyes soften and he offers a smile. "We stopped asking a long time ago."

Instead of pressing, he simply asks, "How is your brother?"

Sammy. I reach for my phone and see two text messages. He spent the night at Bobby's like he told me he would. The second says he's meeting up with friends to do some school stuff. He's such a smarty. "Good, good. Went to our friend's house last night. He was out at his girlfriend's so he spent the night at Bobby's."

Cas smiles, waiting for more.

"He's kind of like our surrogate dad. He's been best friends with the guy for years. He takes care of us when dad doesn't." I pause, thinking how that's all the time. "He lives out in the valley. Sort of a hick, not like those idiot freshmen though."

Castiel smiles. "Those freshmen are ridiculous. I'm surprised by all the wannabe hicks and rednecks. I didn't realize there'd be more of them than there were jocks, what with the highly appraised football team." He laughs. "My old school was way different. Big town, indoor hallways, good cafeteria food." We both laugh at that. "Sports sucked though. God, I remember when Gabe made me do football for a whole year ‘cause I lost a bet with him." 

"Really?" I ask intrigued, letting out a soft chuckle.

"We bet on who was going to win the Super Bowl. Obviously, I lost."

"What if he had lost?" I ask.

"He'd have to take me to conventions and cosplay as whatever I wanted him to for the next year." He smiles and blushes at his acknowledgement to just what a dork he was.

"God, you're a geek." I smile. "It's ok though," I reassure his lost smile. "I am too. Sam got me to dress up as one of the Doctors. He made me 9 but I really wanted to be 10. He insisted though." 

"You'd make a good 9, attitude and leather jacket. And hair." He says looking me over. He smiles like he knows a secret. "But you definitely fill some of the 10 criteria." I'm about to ask but he just laughs. I roll my eyes. "You'd make a better Jack though." At those words my heart flutters. I've had the biggest crush on John Borrowman since I first saw him. My blush must have spoken my thoughts. "I mean he is pretty good looking." Cas admits.

I wonder if he's calling me good looking and I laugh at that, allowing a large grin to wash over my face. He's confused and it makes it all the better. "You'd make a better 10," I smile, eyeing his blue pajama pants. He blushes and drops his Jaw.

"Dean Winchester, are you saying I have a nice ass?" His eyes are wide with laughter and shock.

"Maybe," I say playfully. He returns my smile and laughs as he falls onto the bed next to me. 

"Charlie was right," he sighs softly. My eyes go wide as he turns his head towards me.

"About what?" Now it's my turn to be shocked.

"Oh, nothing." He laughs and Gabe opens the door.

"What are you two laughing about? I'm trying to watch my morning tv." He looks playfully stern at Castiel, then at me.

"Yah, your morning cartoons." Cas retorts and I can't hide my smirk.

Gabe rolls his eyes. My phone rings and it's Jo. "Shit," I mumble. I was supposed to pick her up and take her to work. "Hey man," I start, grabbing my keys. "I was supposed to pick up Jo and she's gonna be late if I don't hurry." I offer a smile as Cas follows me out to my car. "Thanks for having me over."

"Anytime," he smiles, his eyes hinting at something else. I linger for a second. "Well, go get her!" He laughs and gently pushes me to my car. I get in and meet his gaze before speeding off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "You Shook Me" by Led Zeppelin


	6. All the Same

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simple, just saying hi. But that ellipses, those three periods. Something else he’s trying to say.

School carries on, I drive Jo to work on Tuesdays, and Thursdays. Wednesdays I go over to Charlie's and Mondays and Fridays I seem to be hanging out with Dean usually. I've known him for almost 2 months, but I feel like I've known him a lot longer. 

I'm starting to think he likes me. He's suggested things similar many times. Complimenting my ass, my eyes, and the way I sign. He can't keep his eyes off my hands in Sign Language. It makes me blush so red, even Ms. Talbot eyes us with a half-knowing smile. He’s a big flirt, so I try not to take too much of it to heart, though it’s difficult when I’ve got a crush on him and hope he means it.

I'm sitting with Charlie at the coffee shop while Jo closes up. "I know that look."

"What look," I pull away from my thoughts.

"The one where you're trying to figure something out. Usually about Dean. I told you this," she rolls her eyes. "He likes you!"

I smile but frown, thinking of how he's been hanging out with his friend, Lisa, for a little while. Walking to class together, driving her home. It irks me, though it shouldn't.

"Hey," she touches my hand.

"I think he's gonna get with Lisa," I say softly, quieter than I had thought.

"No. No, he's not. He's not into her. They're just friends." She assures me. "I mean they almost had a thing once but he’s over it. I don't know about Lisa, but he's not into her like that anymore."

"I guess. You've known them longer so you're probably right." I sigh. 

Jo comes up, overhearing our conversation, and adds, "Lisa's always doe-eyed for Dean." She smiles and pulls me to my feet.

We go to Jo’s and I drop her off and join her for a drink before heading back to the car. Jo lives relatively close to Lisa, because I see Dean’s Impala parked down the street. It’s not Chuck or Ash’s house, they’re in the valley. And I remember Jo saying she was her neighbour.

My heart flips. I bite my lip as I try and get into the car. I start the engine and pull out, telling myself there’s nothing wrong with Dean being over at Lisa’s, that there’s absolutely nothing going on between him and—

My eyes meet Dean’s through the windshield of the Impala. He’s leaning over something in the back seat. My heart skips a beat as I see a hand tugging him down and Lisa’s mouth meeting his. His eyes don’t break away from mine until I pass the house completely. I speed away, trying to leave the image behind.

Dean and Lisa in the back of his car. In the back seat, kissing. Dean on top of Lisa, kissing her. Dean kissing her. Dean.

My heart leaps and my stomach hurls. I have to will myself to not vomit all over the dashboard. My fingers tighten around the steering wheel and I’m suddenly at home.

I slam the front door, Gabriel not home, and bound to my room. I shuck my clothes off and step into the bathroom, turning on the cold water. I step into the cold spray, wincing as I do so. I stop, stand there under the beating drops and shiver. Dean _was_ with Lisa. I knew it! I curse myself as my eyes water.

It’s not like Dean and I were together or really about to be, but I thought he liked me. I thought we had something. Was I just too stupid? Was he not into me? Or was he ashamed of the feelings he might have? I shouldn’t flatter myself with the thought of Dean ever liking me in any way other than a friend.

My throat tightens and I swallow back the thoughts, the feelings, the tears, the image of Lisa’s lips reaching to meet his, I swallow it all down and force myself to let it go. I have to.

After my shower, I finish up my homework. I eat some dinner Gabriel had brought home and he doesn’t push when he notices something’s up. I avoid my phone, not wanting to see the empty screen where no messages will await me.

It beeps, but I tell myself it’s only Jo. It’s not Dean trying to explain himself. Why should he have to explain himself? Why should he have to explain that he liked Lisa, not me? He didn’t.

But my curiosity gets the best of me. I check my phone and see it’s only Charlie asking about the homework for ASL. I bite my lip, the pit in my stomach widening. I wasn’t expecting him to text. Not really.

Another beep, this time from someone else. _Dean_. I take a deep breath before opening the message.

_Hey..._

Simple, just saying hi. But that ellipses, those three periods. Something else he’s trying to say.

_About earlier..._

Another text from him. Before I can think of a reply, he continues.

_I, uh... Wanted you to know that I hadn’t intended on that happening._

He was trying to explain himself, but I couldn’t take that. _You don’t need to explain. I was just... surprised, that’s all._ I send.

_Right... cool man. Just wanted to make sure..._

I sigh and shut off the phone. I get into bed and lay on my side, facing the cold, hard wall. My lower lip trembles. He just wanted to make sure, what? That I was ok? Why would he care? He obviously liked her, although he did say he hadn’t meant for it to happen. It still happened. And there was nothing I could do, nothing I could possibly do to change the day, to change his feelings. I had no right, anyway. It was all in my head.

But before I pass out, I see those green eyes meeting mine, a hand on his neck, windows slightly fogged. Then lips pulling him away, and pulling me into a deep, dark, dreamless sleep.

Over the next few weeks, Dean and Lisa had started to see each other. They held hands all the time, walked each other to class, sat at the table together. When they sat with us, that is. We didn’t see much of Dean during lunch. He was probably off with Lisa doing God knows what. Those thoughts were the worst.

The weeks of their relationship are so very hard to bear. I try to focus on schoolwork, which helps some, but I always seem to drift off to thoughts of Dean. We still text like friends. Which is what we are. Obviously. There was nothing else between us, nothing at all. He’s even bragged about what Lisa had done with him, the images not helping my already pained heart and queasy stomach.

On the Friday before Halloween, I find everyone at the table, minus Lisa, which is a surprise, talking. I sit down next to Dean, who seems a little stiff.

 “We were just discussing Halloween plans.” Jo grins. “We were considering the Justice League but then Charlie really wanted to be Black Widow so we were considering the Avengers. Any thoughts?”

“Well I for one am not going dressed as a comic book,” Dean retorts. “And it’s not for like two weeks, right?” He doesn’t have his usual glow. Something seems off.

“It’s next week. And we should have already been planning for the costume contest.” Charlie emphasizes.

“What costume contest?” I ask curiously.

“There’s always a big party at Ruby’s and she has a costume contest, the best dressed getting a case of beer and a surprise prize. Last year they got a hundred dollars, money everyone at the party chipped in to get drinks. Pretty smart if you ask me.” Ash smiles, liking the idea of getting drunk. He glances at Jo who gives a small smile.

“Oh, cool,” I reply. Sounds interesting. I hadn’t even thought about Halloween this year.

“I’m not doing some stupid group dress up thing for a case of beer.” Dean snorts. “Anyways, if we do, I get dibs on Ironman.” No one argues with that.

“You could have Lisa be Penny,” I try to smile and hide the jealousy in my voice, but I might be failing. Dean’s lips press into a thin line.

“Castiel could be Captain America!” Charlie chimes in. “Chuck would be Hulk, Jo would be...” She thinks. “Ash could either be Loki or Thor. Oh! Jo could be Thor and Ash could be Loki. Perfect!” Charlie’s grin widens and her eyes fill with joy. Dean rolls his eyes.

“What about Hawkeye?” Ash reminds her.

“Dorothy could do it,” she smiles with a blush. She and her friend Dorothy had been hanging out on the weekends. Nothing serious, that we knew of, but we knew she had a thing for her.

 “Ugh, I don’t want to be comic book characters for Halloween.” Dean complains.

“Leave your balls at home this morning?” Jo asks with a smirk. “Oh, that’s right. You don’t have them anymore. Your girlfriend does.” She laughs playfully, as do the rest. I smile a little, but don’t laugh. Something’s up with Dean.

And that’s confirmed when his mouth goes into a thin line, once more. His beautiful green eyes darken and he looks down. “We broke up,” he mumbles. After a moment, he adds, “I broke up with her yesterday.”

My eyes go wide, my heart aches, half for Dean’s obvious pain and half because that means I have a shot. I curse myself for that thought, hating how I jump at the idea of him being single. There’s nothing between us. He didn’t like me, that much was clear. But still, why did they break up? I’m too timid to push though.

“Oh,” Jo chokes. “I uh, I didn’t know. I’m sorry Dean.” She offers, reaching her hand out to his. He lets her.

“It’s ok,” he tries to say evenly but fails. “It just... something felt off and I decided to end it before it could get messy.” He sighs, squeezing Jo’s hand lightly.

“We’re here,” I offer quietly. He gives me a small smile, some of his glow returning.

“Thanks, man.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ["All the Same"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QdFOemP1dR0) by Sick Puppies


	7. Hear You Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Where’s everyone else?” I ask over the loud thump thump of the music. Or was that my heart?

It’s Halloween; I’ve got my Ironman suit on, wondering how the hell Charlie managed to drag me into this whole thing.

I sigh, driving Sam to Jessica’s party. He’s salt and she’s pepper. So incredibly cheesy, I can’t believe it.

After that, I head to Ruby’s. It’s always a hell of a party there. I just hope Lisa isn’t there. As much as I knew the break up was what I wanted, I still miss her. In a different way than heart break, but I miss her touch, her lips. I think I just miss the touch of another human being. I had liked her, really liked her. She was funny and sweet and incredibly charismatic. But there was something missing, something that just couldn’t be created between two people. It wasn’t the passion, hell we had plenty of that. It wasn’t the friendship, that was pretty strong. Maybe it was the romantic bond, maybe. I can’t place my finger on it. I just hope we can be friends after we both get over it.

I pull up, find a parking spot, and walk up the drive to the noisy and brightly lit house. I walk in the door and it doesn’t take me long to find the most handsome Captain America out of the four I see immediately. I walk over to Castiel with a wave.

“Hey,” he beams, capturing the sweetness of Captain America, as well as his extremely handsome demeanour. I sway a little, reminding myself it was nothing.

“Hey Captain,” I wink. God, when I was with Lisa, seeing Castiel, his constant positive vibe seemingly drowned, it hurt. I had tried to avoid seeing him, not wanting to risk ralphing with my stomach in such a tight knot around him. I would get caught up in Lisa to distract myself. But I couldn’t lie to myself, there was something between us, but I ruined it by choosing Lisa. Not like Castiel was really a choice. I can’t diminish him to such a meaningless word. He’s so much more.

“Want something to drink, Stark?” He retorts, guiding me to the drinks and snacks. I grab some punch, knowing damn well it’s spiked.

“Where’s everyone else?” I ask over the loud _thump thump_ of the music. Or was that my heart?

“Charlie and Dorothy are outside,” he yells. Good, it’s just the music. “Ash and Jo are coming within the hour with Chuck.” He smiles at me.

“Looks like it’s just us then,” I grin, trying to hide the excitement in my voice. The fact that Castiel can still look me in the eyes makes my stomach flutter. I mean, he didn’t necessarily like me as I had, but I know there’s something between us. Something. But I know, I just know, it hurt a little to see me with Lisa. He would never admit it, but the way his magnificent globes of beauty had tinged with the same sadness it had when he had spoken of his mother, I knew.

Castiel’s eyes light up at my words. His lips curve up and his eyes smile more than his mouth. We head to a corner where it’s a little quieter, and we have a full view of the beer pong match currently going on. Angels and devils fill the party, ghosts and vampires, witches and wizards—the whole shebang.

“If you weren’t going to be Ironman, what would you have been?” Castiel asks, once we settle in.

“I don’t know man,” I pause. “Myself, I guess. Just a much awesomer version—like Chuck’s character. Hunting evil and stuff. That would be sick.” I smile at the thought. It’s really hot under this suit anyway. It’s bulky and retains heat incredibly well.

“That sounds cool,” Cas smiles once again. We talk some more before he finally asks, “So, you ok man?”

My throat tightens. I nod, slowly. “Yeah, I’m good. Just... I dunno man.” I had worked this out in my head, just not the words themselves. I knew people would ask why we broke up, and I thought I had the answer, but it escapes my lips. “I guess we were missing, uh, something. Like there wasn’t a certain connection needed to maintain a healthy relationship, ya know?” I mumble, his head nodding.

“I think I see what you’re saying,” he finally says. He doesn’t try and say he knows how I feel or what it’s like. He simply acknowledges the fact I hurt but I’m not heartbroken.

“Look, man,” I start. “I uh, I didn’t mean anything by, uh...” I trail off, scratching at the back of my neck, looking for the words. Thankfully he cuts me off.

“You don’t have to apologize for a thing. It just caught me by surprise, that’s all.” Castiel tries to give a genuine smile, almost succeeding. “Anyways, I think it’s good that you thought of yourself, and her, and decided to be mature about it.”

“Yeah, I guess.” I nod, sipping on the slightly bitter punch.

Ash, Jo, and Chuck show up thirty minutes later, and we find Charlie and Dorothy. Ash has his hair slicked, dyed black. Jo lets her hair flow, perfectly capturing Thor’s beauty. Her shoulder pads are bulky and her hammer thing swings at her waist. Chucks got his shirt off, painted entirely green. It’s hilarious to see suck a short, slightly chunky, Hulk. He doesn’t seem to care though.

Ruby turns off the music and announces it’s time for the costume contest. Some hoots and groans as some people line up. For best costume, a girl, or boy, dressed in black, with a white face and black contacts wins. The way their face contorts around the black irises is chilling. For best group, Ruby announces, “Dean and Captain Sexy! Along with the rest of the dorks.” She giggles, winking at us. We get the case of beer and $140 and Ash cheers wildly. We split the money, 20$ each. Charlie’s beaming brightly, and Castiel smiles at me. It’s a good night.

The rest of the night consists of girls hitting on Castiel, Cas politely declining to my slight surprise; Ash getting interrupted before he can make a move on Jo; Charlie and Dorothy dancing wildly together, hips in a furry against each other; and Chuck almost puking after beer pong. After letting some time pass after our few drinks, we’re sober enough to drive, and Castiel makes sure of that. It’s really quite sweet how he glares into my eyes, making sure I’m not seeing double. He’s genuinely concerned.

“I could come back and pick you up, ya know,” he offers.

“I drove here, plus I’m fine,” I reply.

“Ok, well you’re not getting your keys until I get back from dropping everyone off, ok?” He makes sure I understand, even though I groan loudly, clearly unhappy that my baby’s been taken away from me.

Once Cas returns after dropping off Jo and Charlie, and calling a cab for Chuck and Ash, he returns to the dwindling party. He basically gives me a drunk-driver test, like the cops do. When I pass he gives me my keys and drives behind me, for good measure. Damn, he’s a concerned bastard. But I don’t mind.

Once I reach my house, I invite him in, the apartment quaint and messy. “Sorry for the mess,” I say as we enter. I immediately strip off the bulky plastic, throwing it onto the ground as we enter my room. Dad’s off again, as usual, and Sammy’s staying at Bobby’s. I’m down to my pants when Castiel excuses himself to get something to drink, leaving with a red blush on his cheeks. I smile at that. He returns, making sure I’m clothed. “You wanna stay over?” I ask hopefully.

“Uh,” He starts, looking around and taking a big gulp of water. “I’ll have to ask Gabe, but sure.”

“Ok,” I smile foolishly, so stupid and toothy it hurts. “You can borrow any clothes, help yourself.” I smile, gesturing towards my dresser. After getting a yes from Gabe and something in the text makes him blush, he pulls out some pants and a shirt. I busy myself with collecting the pieces of my costume.

“Uh,” he smiles, blushing even more.

“Right, sorry,” I gush, leaving the room. “Want anything?” I ask as I enter the kitchen.

“No, I’m ok!” He yells back. I chug some milk and grab two beers and return to the room, catching Castiel pulling up some flannel pajamas hastily. He turns, shirtless, towards me.

“Sorry, I didn’t—“I blush, turning away.

“It’s fine,” he says with his low gravelly voice. Dammit, I can’t help myself when he’s shirtless and growling animalistic. He isn’t really, but in my head he sure is. I hear the sound of fabric slipping across skin and I know he’s got his shirt back over his head. I sigh frustrated slightly and turn to see him about to break out in laughter.

“What?” I growl.

“You, uh, you got a little,” he gestures to his lips. “Some uh, white residue,” he giggles quietly.

“Oh,” I breathe, wiping my mouth. “I uh, had some milk in the... Whatever.” I groan, falling onto my bed. He joins me, laughing.

“Sure you did,” he nudges his shoulder into mine and I hand him the beer. He shrugs and takes a sip after popping the tab. A look washes over his face as he taste the slightly bitter drink. He curls up his lips, not exactly loving the taste.

“You never have a beer or something?” I ask, not exactly surprised.

“Not really,” he admits, gulping the alcohol. “Not my cup of tea. Not my cup of anything, really,” he smiles as he downs another sip. I laugh. “Shut up.” He whines. I down half the can and he rolls his eyes, putting his on the table as I turn off the lights.

“Hey Cas,” I whisper after a couple minutes of silence.

“Yeah, Dean?” He replies, voice low and soft.

I wait another minute before answering. Even with him next to me, I feel so incredibly alone. “Could I, uh...” I trail off as my fingers brush his. Before I can pull away, his long gentle fingers wrap around my mine and hold my hand. I smile. “I just need to feel another... I...” I sigh, biting my lip as he squeezes my hand gently. “Thanks.” I breathe, barely audible.

“You’re welcome, Dean.” And I can hear his smile as he turns his head towards me. I meet his dark eyes with a smile and he looks back up at the ceiling. Our fingers intertwine and the warmth in my chest spreads through my whole body.

“Night Cas,” I croak.

“Goodnight, Dean.” And then I slowly fade into a deep sleep, comforted by the boy at my side, happy knowing I’m not alone, that there’s someone I can go to even though I won’t. Someone I can count on to always be there. Someone who will simply hold my hand when I need him to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ["Hear You Me"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9pQo9OQlIB8) by Jimmy Eat World


	8. Chocolate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Cas, gimme the book,” he begs, but I hold the book away from us, squinting my eyes to read. The door opens and we both turn our heads, like we’ve been caught doing something bad. Very bad.
> 
> “What are you two doing,” a smile curls onto the lips of the tall boy.

Over the next months, Dean and I had grown closer, hanging out more, studying more, flirting more. I had talked to Jo about the whole thing. She thought Dean just needed a friend, someone he could count on, and I wasn’t about to take advantage of that.

It’s December, but it doesn’t get that freezing in this town. Just mildly cold and foggy. It’s nice because there’s no snow. I don’t like snow. Not since the car accident back home.

Schools almost out for winter break, only one day left. I’m heading over to Charlie’s to get some studying in, the end of the year closing in fast.

I go over to Charlie's to help her study for Sign Language and AP World.

Not 15 minutes of AP World review and there's a knock at the door. Charlie opens it and finds Dean. She invites him in and he's surprised to see me. He smiles. "You gonna help us with Sign?"

"And AP world," Charlie offers.

Dean groans, dragging out his notebook from his bag.

We spend 45 minutes on AP world review, Dean knowing more about it than I do. He catches me looking at him instead of the book and Charlie chuckles. 

"Excuse me, but it's a little hard to concentrate with John fuckin’ Borrowman over there." I smile and Dean grins wide. 

"Maybe 10 should get us something to drink." He smirks and I know he just wants an excuse to look at my ass when he adds a wink. Charlie knows and smirks, observing us flirting back and forth. It's obvious at this point. But Dean's just a flirt in general. Or so I keep telling myself.

I get up to get us some drinks. Charlie laughs and I can just feel Dean's eyes on my back. My stomach flutters and my face aches from grinning and blushing. I grab some sodas and return. "Let's go over some Sign." 

Dean signs to me, "What are you doing tomorrow?" I'm surprised he knows 'tomorrow'. He grins, "The teacher taught me a few extra things."

I interpret for Charlie. I sign back, "Nothing. Why?"

He smiles and chirps, "We're having a bonfire on thirteenth tomorrow. You should come."

"You want me to teach you to sign all that? None of it's going to be on the quiz." I laugh and he rolls his eyes. "Sure. Sounds like fun. Count me in." I speak and sign out of habit, Charlie a little lost.

We quiz each other on finger spelling and Deaf culture. Besides the unit test, we also have to give some basic information in front of the class. Our name, age, and grade. And mention one family member. Dean practices, "Hi, my name is Dean. Nice to fuck you." His eyes burrow into mine and I can’t push back my blush.

I laugh and Dean smirks. Charlie doesn't get it. "Inside joke," I mumble. "Just don't sign like Dean. He's got dirty hands."

Dean gives me a look, a twinkle in his eyes. "I must take after my teacher."

My stomach flutters low, his voice husky. I let out a staggered breath, half a laugh, half something else. I blush more. 

Charlie tries to sign something in her confusion and ends up knocking over Dean's soda, drenching his shirt.

"Aww, sh-" he starts but waves Charlie's apology away, chuckling instead. He gets an idea and knocks my soda over onto me, surprising both of us. I scoff when he bursts into laughter and falls onto his back. I can't resist that laugh. I get up and pull him up by the shoulder; he eyes me, smug with a lopsided grin.

"We'll be back, Charlie," I smile as I drag him out of her house, towards mine. I look to Dean who has a stupid grin on his face. His tee clings to his body, transparent beneath his shirt. His muscles are outlined by the wet fabric. He catches me staring at him as we get into the house. I drag him to my room, ignoring Gabriel’s raised eyebrows.

"Well, someone's on a mission," Dean smirks, shutting the door behind him. Following me closely. I roll my eyes and spin around inches away from Dean's face, surprised, red creeping up my neck.

"Uh," I blush and he smiles stupidly. "I figured we should grab some clean clothes, that's all." I manage. His eyes comb over my body and my stomach flutters more.

He tugs at his shirt and pulls it over his head, revealing his hard body and tan stomach. That’s when I notice the golden amulet hanging loosely from his neck. I never saw it before, always covered by his shirt. It looks good on him, making my stomach flutter even more. My breath catches and Dean looks into my eyes. I don't know what's going on. He takes a step closer and his hands meet the hem of my shirt, lingering there for a moment, my heart beating profoundly, my eyes widening. I can feel his breath as he slowly takes off my shirt, his fingers brush against my wet skin. A small sound escapes my throat and I blush profusely, embarrassed. He just grins more, his dimples making me nervous.

My brow furrows and he tosses our shirts into the corner of my large closet. His eyes look over me and he whispers, his voice shockingly low, neither of us expecting it so incredibly husky and sexy, "Aren't ya gonna grab the clean ones?" He smirks as I fumble to do anything, speak, move, laugh, smile—I just stand there dumbfounded and he laughs. He brushes my shoulder as he circles me, walking to the dry shirts hanging up in my closet.

I let out a shudder quietly, trying to stay discreet. I turn and watch him grab two shirts, his back muscles sharp. He throws me one and stretches his arms out, his shoulder blades jutting out, muscles tightening, and a sudden tremble rushes through his body. He's doing it on purpose. He yawns slightly and tugs the shirt over his head. He turns and watches me like a hawk, waiting for me to put my shirt on. His smirk causes all thoughts of reason to fly out of my head.

"Uh," I stumble.

"Hmm," that smirk grows, biting his lip and letting his eyes explore my still bare chest. I feel like I'm the prey and he's looking at his next meal. His tongue travels across his lower lip, and I can’t help but choke on my breath. I quickly snap out of it, tugging the dry shirt over my body. A small whine escapes his mouth, as if he'd like the shirt to remain off.

I laugh a little. "Just a  _hmm,_  nothing more?" he chuckles and walks past me, eyes holding mine until he's out of the closet. I can breathe again.

Gabe chuckles as we walk out the door. “We all know who won that wet tee shirt contest!” I roll my eyes, shutting the door behind me.

We go back to Charlie's, who has started packing up our stuff. "Thanks for coming over you two."

"See you two tomorrow," Dean smirks, grabbing his bag and heading to his car but not before giving me another wink.

I hear him race away and fall onto the couch, breath still a little short.

"What was all that," she asks with interest.

I'm silent for a whole minute, registering what just happened. His hands tugging my shirt off, thumbs brushing my skin. My heart races. "I-I don't even know," I trail off, my cheeks turning red.

"Well, my dad will be home soon and I need to get this cleaned up."

"Sorry about that," I sigh forgetting Charlie had been dragged into it.

"Don't be." She smiles and I head back home with my things.

I grab our dirty shirts and start the wash. Gabriel looks at me and I just ignore it.

I grab some leftovers and hurry to my room.

I finish some food, do some homework, take a shower, and lay back onto my bed. I get a text from Dean.

_Is the test really gonna be that hard_

_Which one?_ I smile as I type the words.

 _All of them_ and I can almost hear his sigh. _Could you fit in another hour of studying for me?_

I grin, checking the clock. It’s only 8:30. Anything for him. _Sure._

I pull up that long drive, passing several apartment complexes. I find his and open the gate, and knock on the door. It opens, and an average sized man appears. His hair is messy, eyes baggy and dark probably from lack of sleep, his shirt wrinkled, and his stubble in-between stubble and a beard, but neither of the two. His dark brown eyes size me up. I freeze in my shoes as a question forms on his lips. Thankfully the door widens and I see Dean with a huge smile.

“This is Castiel dad,” he introduces. “Cas, this is my dad.” He’s actually smiling. Not seeming mad at his dad. Seeing him so happy makes me return the smile. “Dad, he’s here to help study for the tests tomorrow.”

“Oh,” his gruff voice echoes. “Well, come on in kid.” And he retreats from the door, perching on the couch. Dean grabs my hand and pulls me to his room.

“Sorry about all that,” he blushes.

“No, it’s fine.” I smile. After a beat I add, “I’ve just never met your dad.”

Dean scratches his chin. “Well he’s usually off on work, but he came back for the holidays.” Dean tries to hide his excitement but can’t. “I can’t remember the last time we all had Christmas together.”

“Well that’s great, Dean,” I smile, meeting his eyes. I’m glad his dad is home. He gets to spend the holidays with him, and it sounds like it’s something he never gets to do. “Anna’s coming down within the week for Christmas.” I offer.

“Oh, cool! Maybe I could show off how good I am in sign,” he chuckles. “Speaking of, I need some help.”

He asks me about a few signs, where they came from, the difference between iconic and symbolic, and some questions about Deaf culture.

“Well, _home_ , comes from _eat_ and _sleep_ , the place where you do both. It’s a symbolic sign.” I inform. I carry on, giving him some background furthering his knowledge of Deaf culture. The entire time, he seems entranced, like he’s under some spell. His eyes watch my hands, like he’s watching a swinging pendulum. A small smile forms on my lips, and I continue. After we both feel comfortable for the test tomorrow he asks about English.

“You think there’s gonna be questions on the book we had to read?”

“Yes. Of course, Dean. What did you think would be on the unit test?” I chuckle. “Cats?” He pulls out his book from his bag, and I grab mine.

“Well, ya see, I didn’t, ya know, read it exactly.” I roll my eyes at his embarrassment.

“No one did.” I smile, bumping my shoulder with his. My stomach does the thing and the butterflies are free, pounding against my insides.

“You did,” he sighs. I roll my eyes again. “Could you, maybe, help me out?”

“What, I’m not going to read to you.” I laugh.

“No, just, help me out with the parts I don’t get.” His eye brows raise, hoping for a yes.

“Fine. But you’re going to read at least half the book.” He groans and falls onto his back.

“But Cas,” he whines, dragging out my name. I shiver at my name on his lips. Stop it, I scold myself. “I don’t wanna.”

“Well you gotta,” I mimic his tone and get a laugh out of him. I tilt my head to the side, letting a smile widen. “Dean,” I grin. “Look me in the eyes. You’re going to read that book.”

“Oh, yeah? You gonna make me, Cas?”

“Yeah, I’m going to make you.” I smile wryly, inching toward my book. I start reading aloud. He groans, listens for two minutes, groans again and tries to grab the book away. I just laugh, trying to continue reading aloud in my best narrator voice. He climbs on top of me, I’m lying on my stomach, and the butterflies return as he tries to reach for the book. His weight on top of me makes me blush, but I thank the Lord or whoever that he can’t see my reddening face.

“Cas, gimme the book,” he begs, but I hold the book away from us, squinting my eyes to read. The door opens and we both turn our heads, like we’ve been caught doing something bad. Very bad.

“What are you two doing,” a smile curls onto the lips of the tall boy. His hair falls almost to his broad shoulders; he’s tall and well built. Like Dean. But almost bigger.

“Sammy, get out.” Dean growls.

“Oh, is this your b—“

“My friend. My very good friend, yes. This is Castiel. Cas, Sammy. Now leave.” He smiles sternly and Sam’s got something in his eyes as he raises his eyebrows once more before shutting the door. Dean rolls off of me, onto his back, and I momentarily miss his touch. “God, I need to get a lock.” He grumbles. I just laugh at him. His face turns into that lopsided grins as he asks in confusion, “What?”

His cheeks are burning red, no doubt embarrassed to have been caught on top of me. I bite my lip trying to hold back more laughter. I point to my cheeks and he gets the message, blushing even harder and turning away. I smile and reach my hand to his shoulder rolling him back over. “I’m sorry, Dean,” I manage. “It’s just... He reminds me of Gabe a little.” Dean returns my smile, his teeth showing in his grin.

“Believe me, I’m much worse.” He winks. I blush and he wiggles his eyebrows. There’s a knock at the door, the two of us immediately sit up, books in hand and the door opens. His dad peeks in.

“It’s getting late Dean. Hate to kick you out kid, but it is a school night.” His dad gives a sympathetic smile.

“No, it’s no problem. Thank you for having me over.” I smile at him, grabbing my stuff. “Dean,” I turn. “Read that book.” I give him a look of ‘or else’ and he just smiles back, amused. I leave with a goodbye and drive home.

Tired from the long, flirtatious day, I get into bed after changing and find myself thinking of the day’s events.

Those green eyes, intensely scanning my body, meeting mine. Those soft fingertips, that eagerness in his pull. The relentless cling of the shirts. Then his body on top of me, reaching for the book, his scent surrounding me as he pins me to the bed with his hips. I blush, the image changing in my mind to when he was shirtless, and he’s suddenly shirtless, on top of me. I shudder, rolling onto my side, trying to ignore the hot feeling in my lower stomach. And the feeling of my pajama bottoms becoming tight.

An hour later I finally find sleep, but Dean's there joining me. I just can't escape him. I don't mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ["Chocolate"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZIZ6PT6C58Y) by The 1975


	9. Collide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Ok! Dean," Charlie smiles. "Truth or Dare?" She drags out the last word until it's a dangerous whisper.

School carries on endlessly. The AP World test is easy. Thanks to Castiel, so is the Sign Language test and English, because yeah, I actually read the book, not wanting to disappoint Castiel.

When the final bell rings I run to my car, pick up Sam, run home and grab our stuff, drop Sam off at Bobby's so he can be with Jess, and head for the beach.

Jo is already there, Castiel is digging a hole for the bonfire. Damn, he sure looks good in those jeans. And that shirt, that’s _my_ shirt. The feeling in my stomach causes me to question if it’s him in my shirt, or just him. I bring down the box of fire wood and drop it next to him. He had been very quiet all day. Probably thinking about yesterday in his closet, or last night on my bed. Oh, Castiel. That was _nothing_.

"Hey," Jo smiles.

"I see you started without me?" I chide her.

"Couldn't wait for you forever," Cas smiles as he finishes the hole. My shirt is a little big on him, the slight baggy effect causing my heart to go manic. I help set up the wood and unload Jo's blankets and towels, trying so hard not to stare at him.

"At least you saved the fun for me," I smirk. The sun is getting low and only Charlie has showed up. But it's not even 6. 

By 6:30, Chuck and Ash have joined us. Ash brings some drinks but they're completely nondescript. Lisa shows up with a low cut top and skinny jeans. I used to love that look on her. I smile and hug her. We've been hanging out a lot lately. She's a good friend. I'm glad we can have a good relationship despite the break up. It was hard at first, but my feelings for Castiel helped.

At 7, some other people show up, kids I don't know that well that Charlie had invited along with Dorothy, and Lisa's friend, Benji. Before long, we're sitting around the blazing fire talking about school, the holidays, anything. We carry on small conversations.

Castiel grabs a soda and sits down next to me. He gives me the bottle, knocking his shoulder into mine. My stomach does the thing and I almost forget how to speak.

"What, nothing good left?" I smile as some other people drink from beers in their hands.

"Figured it might be best to keep you sober," he admits. I laugh. What'd he think; I was going to get drunk? Well, maybe a little tipsy.

"Smart move," I smirk. "I get a little handsy when I've had too much to drink." I wink and a flash of hope glints in Castiel's eyes and I grin at that, resting my hand on his knee for a second before I'm interrupted.

"Fuck. Marry. Kill!" Charlie yells.

"10 Fingers?" Jo offers.

"What about Truth or Dare!" Someone yells out. Most of us nod our heads in agreement to the classic bonfire game. We all know it really just means 'It's time to get sexual'. While that sounds fun, I don't know if I'd be willing to- in front of people- do some of the dares I  _know_  Jo has up her sleeves. Plus, I wouldn't want to force anything.

It's gotten dark out, almost 8. Time sure is flying by. Lisa drags Benji over and sits on the other side of me. Jo sits opposite and gives me a look and a tilt of the head Cas's way.

"Ok! Dean," Charlie smiles. "Truth or Dare?" She drags out the last word until it's a dangerous whisper.

"This is so stupid. Guys, we aren't freshmen anymore. Let's do something else." I whine, not wanting to test my luck with Cas, though he seems to like the idea.

"Grow a pair," Jo cries.

I roll my eyes and feel Cas move a bit closer, our knees touching. "Dare," I say, letting my eyes meet Castiel’s. Something about him causes a spark in my chest. The way his deep blues flicker beneath the light of the fire, his amazing hands so delicate and graceful, his perfectly bowed lips so soft and tender. God, I hope Charlie gives me a good dare, because the way Castiel’s looking into my eyes, he’s just as eager.

Charlie smiles and instead of what I think she is going to dare me to do, and much to my disappointment, she makes me jump in the cold water. And dunk my head. I groan, but snicker as I tear off my shirt and jeans, Jo whooping, Castiel watching me with those eyes. I run off to the frigid waves.

I run back to cheering and laughs, grabbing a towel and throwing my clothes back on, teasing Castiel as he frowns when I tug my shirt on. "Who's next?" I ask, wrapping the towel around me, Lisa scooting closer, as well as Cas, to keep me warm. "Jo, truth or dare?"

She rolls her eyes. "Dare." 

I smirk, looking around the circle, my eyes landing on Ash. I know about her school girl crush on him. I know he's too shy to say anything, but he's gone on and on about that bright smile of hers. "I dare you," I pause, suspenseful. Should I make them kiss? I don't know if they'd like their first kiss to be during truth or dare. "To do body shots off of Ash!" She blushes and we cheer her on. Ash reddens, but takes off his shirt and we all laugh.

Jo gives Charlie a truth, and she reveals she's still a virgin. Good for her, I think. Chuck ends up embarrassing himself by doing the chicken dance, which he absolutely hates. It's a pretty lame dare, but his resistance is hilarious. Ash does body shots off of Jo, repeatedly. Dorothy flashes Charlie as a dare and we laugh as she blushes an extreme red. Benji reveals the stupidest thing he's ever done, riding a motorcycle commando, completely naked as a dare and ending up getting pulled over for speeding. 

Benji then turns to Lisa. "Truth or dare?"

"Truth," she decides.

Then Lisa's friend asks her a major truth. "Do you still have feelings for Dean?" I look at her, surprised by the question. The atmosphere seems to get serious for a moment.

"Yes," she finally admits, surprising her friend who's obviously into her.  

She asks Castiel, who hasn't gone yet, "Truth or dare?"

He thinks for a moment. "Truth," he says, playing it safe after finding out Lisa's emotions for me.

"Have you ever done anything with a boy?" She asks, curious, as if thinking Castiel is also into me. Maybe a little, I think with a smile.

He thinks for a moment. "Yes. Once, a couple years ago." He says, completely neutral, stating a fact. A blush creeps up his cheek when he see's my big smile. His lips look soft under the flickering of the fire, and he notices my stare, making me flush red as well.

"Hmm," she thinks, no judgement. "Cool."

Dorothy has to leave and we wave goodbye. Charlie’s two other friends remain, complaining they have to go soon. We give them a dare and they give Charlie a lap dance, both being boys, Charlie playing along with it, laughing.

I end up revealing that I read Twilight and may have actually enjoyed it. I get a couple surprised glances and a loud laugh out of Charlie, a knowing smile out of Castiel. 

Now it’s Benji’s turn, he chooses dare, but I don't know a good dare for him, but someone helps and dares him to sing his favourite song, and he's completely tone deaf. We all laugh, stopping him not too long after he begins. He doesn’t seem too happy.

The question reaches Lisa again, this time she chooses dare. 

Benji, unhappy that she still has feelings for me, dares her to kiss me. She blushes and my eyes go wide.

I'd rather not; I'm not even into her. I had no idea she still had feelings for me anyways. Plus I'm obviously into Cas.

But Charlie's friends, along with a drunken Ash, cheer, "Kiss, kiss, kiss!"

Before I can protest her lips are on mine, her hand cupping my face. Mixed feelings bubble up, but I don't break away in the confusion. Her fingers slip into my hair, kissing me more passionately. I follow her and return the kiss, caught up in the moment. At that she pulls away, blushing and smiling a little.

I register what just happened and see a few unhappy faces around me, Jo and Charlie not amused. 

Some lingering cheers subside as Lisa's friend gets up and leaves. She chases after him, saying goodbye to us. Charlie's friends leave as well. I'm not up for anything else. I just want to get out of here. What was that kiss supposed to mean? Why did I return it, was the better question. I turn to my side where Castiel is.

Castiel’s eyes glow wild, pain and hurt polluting the waters of his deep ocean blues. Castiel gets up and grabs his coat, walking towards the stairs. I realize my mistake too late as Jo starts cleaning up. Chuck drives Ash home and Jo and Charlie finish cleaning things up. I get up to follow Castiel but Jo puts out her hand.

"Just go home Dean," she says, not in a rude tone but not a very happy one. 

I sigh unhappily, not meaning to cause all this. Things were great until Lisa kissed me. She didn't mean to cause anything, but dammit, this is not how I anticipated the evening going. Though I did kiss her back. God, why tonight?

I drive a slightly unhappy Charlie home in silence. When she gets out, she smiles lightly, "Don't just sit here. Go do something about it." And with that she trots off to her door.

I park the car and sit for a few minutes. Did the kiss bother Castiel that much? Doesn't he know I'm not at all into her? I must have underestimated the feelings he had for me. I mean, I like him, a lot, but I didn't know he returned it enough to get pissed off by a stupid kiss. I slam my hands against the steering wheel, cursing myself, knowing it wasn't just some stupid kiss. It was Lisa trying to get me back.

I run my fingers through my hair and get out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ["Collide"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yk9G7OyKwLM) by Howie Day


	10. Collide Part II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'm really good at messing things up," he says quietly, not moving away. "But this?" He meets my eyes with his soft gentle greens. "This I don't want to mess up."

I drop Jo off and go home. I walk through the door, ignoring Gabriel's protests. I'm not in the mood for his teasing and prying.

I shut my door, rip off my coat, and fall onto the bed. My head hurts. My stomach flips. My heart aches.

Why? Why was I such a fool to think Dean was really into me. I knew there was still something between Lisa and him. I slam my fist into the pillow. I roll onto my back, huffing and wiping my eyes before they can tear up. I feel so betrayed, though I have absolutely no right. Images of when I first saw Dean and Lisa kiss clash with their kiss at the bonfire.

 I'm so foolish. Of course Dean is still into Lisa. He's just a big flirt, I tell myself. He didn't mean anything by his comments about me. Or by taking my shirt off in the closet. It was all a joke to him.

I sigh and run my fingers through my hair, making fists in anger. Goddamn idiot. I huff, my gut aching, my chest stiffening.

I hear a knock at my door and Gabe peers through the crack. "Hey," he says softly, sensing my frustration.

He brings me a cup of milk, just like mom used to when any of us were upset. I smile at the gesture and he sits on my bed. I sip the warm milk, letting it slide down my throat. The ache in my gut lifts.

"I'm here if you need anything, Cassie," the usual teasing nickname now full of endearment. I nod and thank him for the milk. He leaves and shuts the door softly.

I finish my glass and change into some comfortable clothes, wearing my superman pj's but keeping Dean’s shirt on, a sort of hope in the gesture. I crawl into my bed. I lay on my side, facing the wall, finally calming down. I close my eyes and try to shut out everything.

Interrupting my focus, there's a sudden tap at my glass patio door. Surprised and confused, I roll over, get up, and sweep away the curtain to find deep green eyes, sad and solemn, starring back at me. Dean. My throat tightens, my gut twists, my head spins. I don't know if I can handle this confrontation right now.

I reluctantly open the glass door, letting him in. As I shut it, he starts immediately.

"Cas- Castiel, I didn't," he pauses forming letters into words, trying to make sentences. "I'm not into her though; you've got to understand that. Lisa was on me before I could-"

"Isn't wasn't just Lisa," I say sharper than I mean to. He's silent for a minute. I cross my arms, facing him, trying to hold myself together. I had formed the thought that Dean was into me. I had really believed it. That's why this hurts so much. But why was he here?

"You're right," he whispers, barely audible. An apology lingers in his voice. My gut unwinds, my posture softening slightly. Maybe he wasn't just a big flirt. Maybe he had actually liked me on some level or another. I think slowly. Why else would he be here. My heart beat picks up at the thought, my eyes losing their glare.

His eyes glance up from the floor and meet mine. Sadness lingers in the unearthly green. My heart clenches as my stomach flutters at those intense green eyes, specked with brown and gold. His hand moves to his chest, making a circle, signing "I'm sorry," and then whispering it. My stomach flip-flops at the gesture. I uncross my arms and he steps closer, bonfire filling the space between us.

"I shouldn't have assumed that—" my words are cut short as he shakes his head, stepping closer. I look up into his eyes as he takes my hand into his. A soft smile spreads across his lips as he leans forward, inches away. I can barely hear anything but my racing heart, afraid he can hear it too. I swallow dryly and take a deep breath.

"I'm really good at messing things up," he says quietly, not moving away. "But this?" He meets my eyes with his soft gentle greens. "This I don't want to mess up." He smiles softly, his hand cupping my cheek. I lean into his touch. He leans in and brushes his tender lips to mine. A gentle kiss, his fingers finding the back of my neck as I return it. 

Our hands separate as he brings the other up to my face. He pulls away for a second, smiling down at me, making my stomach flutter more. I smile back at him and wrap my arms around his waist. For several moments we just look into each other's eyes, my heart pounding in my ears, his thumb brushing against my cheek gingerly. I close my eyes, savouring his touch as he brings my head to his shoulder, his chin resting in the crook of my neck. His fingers brush over my hair, holding me against him.

He places a soft kiss at the nape of my neck and another beneath my ear. His breath on my neck is warm and sticky. I kiss his neck and he gently whispers, "I've been wanting to do that for a while." He lets out a shaky breath, half relief and half laughter.

"Took you long enough," I whisper back, kissing his ear. He gently pulls me in once more, lips finding mine, pressing tenderly.

He gives me a smile after pulling away. He presses his forehead to mine, closing his eyes. I close mine, enjoying his touch. "Too long," he whispers, not letting go.

After a few moments I smile and pull him towards the closet. My fingers find their way under his shirt, pulling it off. A small look of surprise and want mix as I laugh. I glance down at his jeans, stiff from drying with sea water. I eye him, his lips curl up, a wild grin. I turn away, leaving him. "Find something comfortable to wear." And I go back to my bed.

He joins me minutes later, a loose tee and flannel pajama pants. I smile and he sits next to me.

"Uh," he starts, not knowing where to go from here. I chuckle softly and reach for his hand. He smiles. "Movie?"

We put on Netflix, watching American Horror Story at his suggestion. He knows I get scared easily. Bastard. 

His arm wraps around me and I lean into the touch. His other hand finds mine and intertwines our fingers. He holds me close, as if he's been wanting to do it all along. God knows I have. I curl into his side as the suspenseful music plays and I let out a yelp as the screen reveals a frightening figure. He laughs and holds me closer. I peek open my eyes to see him looking down at me with a silly grin. A blush creeps up my neck and his lips meet mine once more.

"You're adorable when you're scared," he muses, tucking my hair behind my ear. 

I roll my eyes and return to watching the show with him.

He jumps suddenly and I laugh. He's trying to be all manly, unafraid. "Shut up," he whines.

"Make me," I tease.

The corners of his mouth tip up and he quiets me with a kiss, a deep one with an underlying tone. Long and slow, wanting more. I reach for him and pull him close. His lips dry, his tongue rough on mine. It has a need in it. And I return it with my eagerness. 

God, he tastes so good. His touch so intense, fingers exploring my back. I climb onto his lap with a smile and work my fingers through his hair. My lips smother his, tongue teasing him. My tongue gently trailing his lower lip, my fingers splaying in his hair. He returns the need, passion building between us. His hands smooth over my back, trailing lower and lower to my waist and resting on the small of it. His lips part ever so slightly and I kiss him with more passion.

We pull away in need of air.

"Well, hello sailor," he smirks, eyes glinting. His hands travel down my back, fingers finding their way beneath my shirt, eyeing me to make sure it’s ok. I give a little nod. He bites his lip irresistibly. “You look so good in my shirt.” He smirks. I smile down at him.

He knows I've been dying for this moment. "God, you're so sexy," I mumble, eyeing his lip between his teeth. I grab the remote and turn off the TV. "Ass," I breathe and he chuckles, coming in for another heated kiss. This time he takes the lead. 

The frenzy of lips is amazing. His tongue wandering my mouth, licking my teeth. I let out a little moan, which he seems to like. His hands travel lower, grabbing my ass. He pulls me up closer. Our bodies press together, a pattern and rhythm forming.

It becomes more urgent, a need for his lips, for his touch. He pulls off my shirt and drags his finger nails down my back. I shudder beneath his touch. He moans softly.

I roll onto my back, Dean pressing his body against me. I pull his shirt off in a hurry, wanting that defined body, those hard muscles. I notice the necklace again, not asking, but finding it a significant part of Dean. My fingers play through his tousled hair, one hand at the back of his neck, pulling him in. He pulls gently on my lip, biting it and moves his mouth to my neck. I moan, loving his mouth on my skin. His body is so hot against mine, one hand travelling down the side of my stomach, resting low on my hip. His necklace trails along my skin as his lips travel farther, reaching my collar bone, my chest, lower.

I can't take it as my stomach fills with such intensity. "Dean," I breathe shakily. He slows and returns up my neck with kisses until he reaches the corner of my mouth. My eyes flutter open. I didn't want him to stop but I didn't know if I wanted what would follow. Not yet.

"I forgot to tell you," he starts, gravel in his voice. "I get a little handsy even when I'm sober."

A soft laugh escapes me and he meets my lips with a smile. He rolls onto his back, pulling me in. I rest my hand on his chest and breathe him in, bonfire sticking to his skin. I can smell a light trace of shampoo, earthy with a touch of mint. My breathing slows as I feel his chest rise and fall. 

He lets out a deep breath and there's a knock on my door, but before we can do anything, Gabriel's already halfway through my room. "Don't mind me, just grabbing a video game," he smirks walking into my closet, grabbing a DVD case and exiting. "You two don't have too much fun, ya hear?" He grins, giving me a wink and shutting the door.

I sigh in embarrassment, my hand dragging down my face. "Sorry about that," I sigh.

The corner of Dean's mouth tips up in a lopsided grin, and I find myself mimicking it. "I do the same thing with Sammy, boy does he hate it." He pauses. "I understand why, now." He chuckles and kisses my forehead.

I roll over, facing the clock. Dean closes the space between us, his chest on my back. He drapes his arm over my side as we glance at the clock. 12:47. I swallow and muster up the courage to ask a burning question. "You staying over, or..." I trail off, hoping he stays.

"If you want," and I can practically hear the grin.

"I’m hurt you even have to ask,” I smile, warm underneath Dean's hold. I let out a sigh as I turn my head and meet his lips. We lay like that for awhile, his breath on my neck, arms holding onto me. I slowly lose consciousness, falling asleep in his arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ["Collide"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yk9G7OyKwLM) by Howie Day


	11. Cactus in the Valley

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “If I had known you were teaching classes today, I would have stayed in bed,” I smirk. But those hands, those smooth elegant fingers, like a paintbrush illustrating a canvas, catch all of my attention. My eyes linger and that gets a laugh out of him.
> 
> “You are in bed,” he continues. “In my bed.” He smiles as he inches towards me. His lips meet mine and hold them there. I lean into him but he pulls away. This is too much to digest in one morning. “What I was saying,” he continues, “Was that we needed to talk. But I know serious isn't your style.” He pauses for a beat, suddenly serious. He sits closer, wrapping his fingers around mine. “Dean, we need to DTR.”

“Gooooooooood morning Vietnam!” I awake to a loud growl and warmth beneath my arms. Castiel bolts upright, leaving my grip. I turn my aching neck and follow suit, still drowsy from sleep. My hand rests on his lower back as I see a crouched figure on the other bed next to the door.

“What the _fuck_ Lucifer!” Castiel yells, grabbing the sheets and covering his bare chest. I do the same, blushing and growing rather unhappy that we were woken up by him. Lucifer. That must be his other brother, the one in the picture, the one they don’t talk about. “Shut up!” Cas yells as Lucifer sings ‘good morning to you’ cheerfully. Way too cheerfully. “What are you doing here?” He rubs his eyes, not believing the gruff figure set before him.

“He said shut up to me.” Lucifer smiles at me. “What’s _he_ doing here?” Lucifer smirks and winks. Castiel tenses up at his words, my hand finding his and soothing it. What gave his brother the right to wake us up at, I look at the bedside clock, at _four_ in the fucking morning? I let out a low groan, squeezing Castiel’s hand. “Aww... He wants to hold your widdle hand,” Lucifer coos. “How sweet.” He crooks his head, a playful smile on his face before letting out a low laugh. Gabriel barges through the door.

“What’s with all the—Luci!” Gabe cries, engulfing the now standing man. He hugs the tall lean man and Lucifer laughs low, a deep resounding echo. Gabriel squeals as he is put into a headlock, the two falling back on the bed with laughter.

“Would you guys get out!” Castiel huffs impatiently. “Now!” He practically yells, his hand tight around mine, his cheeks cherry red.

“Aww, Castiel, how you’ve grown,” Lucifer chuckles. He huffs as Gabe drags him out of the room and shuts the door with a wink.

Castiel rest his face in his hands, letting mine go. I rub his back, soothing him. “I am so sorry about that. My brother’s such a dick sometimes. God that was embarrassing.” He refuses to look up, but when he does his cheeks are burning red and he’s biting his lip. I chuckle softly.

“It’s ok Cas. Brothers are brothers.” I sigh, groggily wiping sleep from my face. “But he didn’t have to be at 4 in the morning,” I trail off, leaning against Cas. He sighs and I pull him into my arms, lying back on the bed. “I take it that’s Luke,” I say after a few moments. Castiel nudges me, my chin resting on his head. I sooth his shoulder with my thumb, gently stroking the exposed skin.

“That’s Luke,” he says begrudgingly. “Luci, and Lucifer.” He sighs, burying his nose into my chest. “Sometimes he even goes by Nick.” He says, his voice muffled by my skin. I kiss his head. He turns his head slightly and I look down to see a small smile.

“Weird,” I grin. Castiel brings his hand up to my neck, his head turning upwards, and I lean down to kiss him. His lips are soft and smooth, not rugged and chapped like my own. Our lips linger before he pulls away and snuggles into me. His lips brush my neck then my collarbone. I hide a small shudder, loving him against me. I yawn, my jaw going slack with a smack of my lips. I just want to go back to sleep. Cas yawns as well, his small mouth opening incredibly wide. His hair is all tousled, his eyes tired, his smile soft and small. “So beautiful,” I think to myself, his eyes meeting mine, those illegal spheres of wonder.

“What?” He says low, a blush once more finding its way up his neck. I suddenly realize I had said those words aloud. I blush, biting my lip and advert my eyes. A soft hand smoothes over my cheek, tugging my chin ever so slightly to the right, facing his sleepy but adorable smile. “I don’t think I caught that last part.” His voice small, eying my lips.

I sigh, bringing my left arm around, resting on his shoulder with my other hand. I look down into his gorgeous eyes, warmth spreading in my chest, butterflies beating against my stomach. “I said you’re so beautiful,” I manage, my voice small and quiet. His eyes widen, those globes filling with happiness. I bring one hand and let my thumb brush his cheek. He leans into the touch. “You are, ya know. Beautiful.” I say sheepishly.

His blush deepens, his eyes glow through a small mist, like the sun hitting the depths of the sea. His mouth opens, trying to form a sentence. His eyes water at my words. I brush my lips against his soft smile. He leans into me, his lips mesh with mine, my heart beat quickens and his fingers tremble against my skin. I slowly pull away, leaving kisses on his cheek, his nose, forehead, eyebrows, covering him with light kisses. He curls up, tucking his head into my neck. I must have hit a nerve.

Has he never been told how beautiful he is? He’s fucking gorgeous. How could no one of told him that? I feel his hand reach across my chest and hold my side. I sooth him with my hand, brushing his arm and shoulder. I kiss his head, my other hand carding through his hair. He calms after a few minutes. I hold him close, thinking he’s fallen back to sleep.

I relax some and start dozing off when his quiet voice brings me back. “My mom was the only other person who ever told me that.” His breath is soft against my chest. I wait, letting him speak when he’s ready. “She would say, ‘Castiel, you’re my beautiful blue-eyed angel. Don’t ever let anyone tell you different.’” He bites his quivering lip.

“I hope you never let anyone tell you different,” I breathe, leaving a kiss where his hairline starts. He smiles up at me suddenly. My eyes dart quickly to the clock. 4:35. I meet his brilliant eyes and his lips press into mine before pulling away and resting his head on my chest. Not too long after, he falls asleep. I stay up, listening to him breathe, watching as his body slowly rises and falls. His lips twitch into a brief smile.

This strange kid just walks through the coffee shop door, signing and smiling, falls into the seat next to mine during school, and laughs with me outside of it. He just fell into my life, surprising the both of us. I find it so difficult to understand how that happened. How is he here in my arms, silently sleeping, dreaming of better things? I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve this angel. I deserve something on my level, lower and not as fucking amazing as him. I close my eyes for a brief second, turning into minutes, then hours.

I open my eyes slowly, the warmth still next to me. The door to his room is slightly cracked. I see two heads peep out of the crack, quietly watching us. I furrow my brows, my vision blurry. It’s Gabe and Luke, silently ‘awwing’ at us. I meet Gabriel’s eye as he gives me a soft grin.

He pulls Luke away, fits himself through the door silently and signs, “Breakfast time.” I smile and he closes the door.

Castiel stirs, fluttering his eyes open. He seems confused for a moment as if he forgot I was there. Suddenly he smiles, meeting my eyes and reaching up for a kiss. I smile into his lips. “Good morning Sleeping Beauty,” I mumble as I pull him into a tight hug. His eyes widen as he smells breakfast. He gets up and drags me towards the door, throwing a shirt at me. We clothe ourselves and walk into the kitchen.

“How the hell did you make breakfast Gabe?” Castiel eyes him. “You can’t cook to save your life.” He laughs as we sit down at the table, a plate piled high with pancakes. Lucifer is already eating, his mouth full as he smiles.

“I’ve got a few tricks up my sleeve,” Gabriel smiles and Castiel grabs at the plate. We eat quietly, Lucifer eying me suspiciously.

“So,” he starts, eyes burrowing into me. “You and my baby brother.” He leaves it hanging in the air, a question and a statement.

“Stop it Luke,” Cas snarls through a bite of food. I wave him away.

“It’s ok.” I offer a smile to Cas. “Yeah, me and your brother,” I say, testing the waters. What were we? Were we together now? Were we just _extremely_ good friends? I look over to Castiel who seems to be hanging on my every word. Nervously, I try and change the subject. “This brother,” I smile, pointing to Castiel. “Not that one.” I offer with a grimace. Gabe gives me a face but laughs.

“You’re breaking my heart, greaser.” He smiles playfully. “Luci here was telling me all about his most recent adventure. You’re gonna like this one. So get this: he’s sitting at the bar, minding his own business—“

“Gabriel, that stays between you and me.” He gives Gabe a look and Castiel and I watch in confusion.

“Oh, no, not that, Luci old boy,” he offers a wink. “I was just going to share how, _after_ , you got arrested, _again_!” Gabe says, fake amusement with a hint of actual worry. “Oh yes, sorry, he was ‘wrongfully’ charged.” Gabe glares at Luke. “He’s here for the week. Cassie, he’ll be in the guest bedroom. Dean, sorry for his behaviour. He’s still a college kid, dazed and confused. At least he’s here in time for the holidays!” Luke clears his plate, grabs Gabe and leaves the kitchen.

“Umm,” I start. Castiel drags his hand down his face.

“Lucifer has his run ins with the law. Usually nothing serious. Just warnings, caught drinking late, trespassing, he’s a stupid college kid. I’m surprised he hasn’t dropped out.” Castiel sighs. “We never get a call or a text, just a rude awakening. _Literately._ ” I smile, reaching my hand under the table to find his.

“You done?” I ask, referring to the food, as well as the current conversation. He nods and before he can protest I’m taking our dishes to the sink.

We go back to his room, and take turns showering. I go first and change into some of his clean clothes. I look through his CD’s, noting the good bands, and the poor taste he has in today’s pop culture. Gabriel and Luke were having a heated conversation earlier, but they settled it down and made up. I’m not going to ask because I don’t want to know. I check in with Sam, who’s going to a bonfire tonight, and make sure he’s safe.

Castiel comes into the room, his towel hanging dangerously low on his hips. A firm V narrows down beneath the fabric. His hair is wet and dripping, his chest firm with droplets trailing down. I bite back the thought of toppling him on the bed right here and now. His wet lashes reveal his impossibly pale lapis blue eyes. They change from deep and dark to light and happy. This amazing creature, fucking naked besides a towel, looks at me. Just stares. He crooks his head to the side, eying the phone in my hand. He walks by me unphased, throws some boxers and jeans on, impossibly tight jeans, and tugs on a tight band tee. AC/DC. My eyes give away my amazement and amusement. He smiles, thinking of his next move. A completely different attitude than when he was barely awake in my arms this morning. He suddenly walks over to me, sits beside me, and starts signing.

“Good morning,” he smiles, his hands moving with his usual grace.

“Good morning,” I reply. “How are you?” I follow basic conversation signs, unsure of his intent.

I watch his hands move at an incredibly smooth yet fast pace. The few signs I understand are, “want”, “I don’t know”, and “today”. My eyebrows furrow. “Good,” he speaks and signs. “Always let someone know when you don’t understand them. Never nod your head and smile when you have absolutely no idea what’s going on.” He pauses.

“If I had known you were teaching classes today, I would have stayed in bed,” I smirk. But those hands, those smooth elegant fingers, like a paintbrush illustrating a canvas, catch all of my attention. My eyes linger and that gets a laugh out of him.

“You are in bed,” he continues. “In _my_ bed.” He smiles as he inches towards me. His lips meet mine and hold them there. I lean into him but he pulls away. This is too much to digest in one morning. “What I was saying,” he continues, “Was that we needed to talk. But I know serious isn’t your style.” He pauses for a beat, suddenly serious. He sits closer, wrapping his fingers around mine. “Dean, we need to DTR.” A slight smirk appears.

“I don’t speak MTV.” I laugh, knowing he watches some of their stupid shows. “But I’m gonna guess here, define the relationship?” I sigh, taking a deep breath. Here comes the rejection, that this was a one time thing, he didn’t want the others finding out, and that he didn’t know if our friendship would work. I bite my lip.

“I really like you Dean,” he starts, sensing my anxiety. “But,” the inevitable _but_. “I don’t know what I want right now.” He pauses, thinking. My throat tightens around a lump. “But I do know I want you.” He gives me a look, his eyes searching mine, wanting desperately to connect. There’s a trace of sadness beneath his bubbling joy. “I just got out of a relationship, not too long ago, as did you. I don’t want this to be some rebound or something.” He pauses. “I’m not good with these things,” he gestures between us. “But dammit Dean, there’s something about you that I can’t put my finger on.” I beam at that.

“I know exactly what you mean,” the words tumble out. “There’s something in that look you give me, something in your smile, something in the way you talk and get scared and not push when I don’t want to talk about things,” I say, ignoring the voice in my head telling me to hold back, to just see what he thinks. “And dammit, when I kiss you, the world fucking melts away, the anxiety fades and it’s just us.” I realize my words and silently curse myself. _No chick flick moments_.

A small smile spreads across his lips. “You know, for someone who abhors emotion, you sure have a strong way of expressing it.” He smiles, his hand tightening around mine. “Dean, I don’t know what you want necessarily, but this? I want this. I really like this and if you feel the same, I’d like to continue... this.” He has trouble with his words. It’s fucking adorable.

I smile, bringing my other hand to his, holding it tightly. “Castiel, from the moment I saw you... I knew you were something else. And those beautiful eyes, that brilliant smile... God, it’s simply amazing. And, if you’d like, I’d very, _very_ , much like to... to uh, to take you out sometime.” I offer my stupid grin, giving it my all and not backing down for once in my life. I bite my lip, awaiting his reply.

“You see,” he starts uneven. “I’m kind of seeing someone,” his lips turn up into a smile. “This really cool guy, nice car, nice hair, damn fine signing skills, and I just don’t know what he’d think of this.” His face is a mere inches away, his voice soft with laughter lacing it.

“Oh, I think he’d want you to say yes.”

“Oh, really?” he asks slyly.

“Really,” I breathe, our lips meeting and refusing to part until we can barely breathe. When we pull apart, the stupidest smile crosses his face, and I can tell by my slightly squinted vision that I must be smiling like a fucking idiot.

“So,” he breathes, almost inaudibly. “What’d you have in mind?”

 

Dean hangs around for the better half of the day, playing video games, teaching me everything there is to know about first person shooter games, which I suck at, and eventually it all leads to an intense make out session.

I finally pull away, needing air, and feeling as though we should slow down before something happens. He just gives me a smile. We end up joining Lucifer and Gabriel in setting up Christmas decorations. Dean smiles wildly, and I guess he hasn’t done this in a long time.

“Hey,” I smile, coming up behind him as he hangs an ornament on the tree. We always are a little late for setting up decorations. Little being three days before Christmas.

“Hey,” he returns with a grin.

“So,” I start, feeling out my words. “So I know you’ve probably got plans for Christmas Eve, but if something happens or you’d like to join us, you and your family are more than welcome to join us. Anna will be coming down sometime tomorrow.” I give him a soft smile, knowing fully well he’ll be with his own family, but I know how things can suddenly change, like that one Christmas so long ago... And I hope he enjoys his time with his dad, I really do, but I can’t help asking.

“You know,” he starts. “That sounds nice. I do have something I guess you could call plans with my dad, Sammy, and Bobby, but if something changes, I’ll let you know.” He smiles, giving me a quick kiss while my brothers are in the kitchen.

“I’m glad you get to spend it with your dad,” I smile and the happiness that fills his eyes makes my heart ache, in the good way.

“So am I.” He smiles happily.

We eat some dinner, pizza Lucifer had called in. Not too long after, Gabe and Lucifer have had all the eggnog, and Dean starts to head home, giving me a kiss goodbye. My heart warms at the gesture as I return to the teasing of my tipsy idiot brothers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ["Cactus in the Valley"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QbnfocZUXsM) by Lights


	12. Scream, Scream, Scream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You fucked us over, you fucked Sammy over. He’s got no father because of you, you motherfucking fucker!” I yell hoarsely, tears streaming down my cheeks. I curse myself for crying. I can’t cry. I have to be strong, I have to put up with this shit, if not for me, then for Sam.

I come home to find Sammy on the couch. It’s almost 7 and dad’s already asleep. Sam beams at me, gesturing to the small plant resembling a tree. I smile at the few decorations in the house, impressed dad actually did something. I join Sam on the couch, pulling him into a hug. I mess his hair but he ducks to avoid it, giving me an eye roll.

“When was the last time we had a Christmas together?” I ask, fond of the idea of sitting around the sad excuse for a tree, drinking spiked eggnog and listening to cheesy Christmas carols.

“I don’t remember,” Sam sighs.

I smile, remembering a good Christmas not too long ago. “I think it was when you were 8,” I give a small smile. “When you gave me the necklace.” I finger the necklace, fishing it out from under my shirt. His eyes light up.

“I remember that Christmas. Just the two of us.” He smiles. “That’s all I ever need, Dean. Just the two of us.” I pull him in again, squeezing him tight.

“I know man, I know.” I soothe. I play with his hair and he pulls away, hating when I do that.

“Dammit, Dean,” he sighs. “You can’t be serious for more than two seconds?”

“No chick flick moments,” I remind him.

“Jerk.”

“Bitch.” I laugh as we both head to our rooms.

In the morning I wake to find a note on the table.

_I was called away at the last second. Nothing I could do. Be back soon boys, hopefully in time for Christmas. Be safe, money for food on table, Dad._

That fucking asshole. That _fucking_ asshole! I grab my keys, Sam still sound asleep, and get in the Impala. I sit there for ten minutes. Just sitting, cursing my father. The nerve, the fucking nerve of that asshole. He was _finally_ home for a holiday and of course he’s gone! The moment things seem to be going great, he fucks it up. He always does.

I start the car and speed off, rubber burning behind me. I drive down the stretch of coast, not caring I’m low on gas. Fuck it. Fuck it all. I’m so done with my dad’s shit. What could be more important than spending the holidays with your two sons? If it weren’t for Sammy, the moment I turn 18 I’d bolt out of that house.

As the tank grows lower, I slow down, finding a spot off the highway. My special spot. I used to take Sam here when we were younger, take him fishing and camping. The few trips dad took us on were fun. This spot always brings me peace. I find the hole in the fence, follow the little trail down to the secluded beach. I sit on one of the rocks, sheltered by the granite wall, almost like a cavern, but in the open. I sit, watching the early morning waves rolling in.

The salt and soft mist tease my bare skin. I strip off my jacket, letting the cold nip at my arms. It feels nice. Feeling the pain, the dull numbness, the cold wind beating against my skin. Sam won’t wake up for at least another hour or two, I think to myself.

He’ll be devastated, but he’s never had much faith in our dad. I always held onto a sliver of hope, a little bit of faith that what he’s doing is important and what we need, but I can’t take it anymore.

Ever since the fire, he’s been finding every excuse to not be home with us. Perhaps he blames us for what happens. Or maybe he blames himself for not being able to save her. I know he’s trying his best, but his best just isn’t cutting it. I groan loudly, all alone out here. I could scream and let it all out without disturbing anyone.

I remember the look on his face when he emerged from the smoke, the sadness in his eyes, the joy that we were safe, and the utter destruction of what was once his life.

I scream, I yell, I groan. I scream as loud as I can at the morning sun, I go hoarse. I yell at the sky, yell at whatever god sits up there laughing at my pain. I cry out for someone, for something, but get nothing in reply.

“Fuck you,” I scream. “Fucking, fuck you asshole!” I scream, now yelling at my father. “You fucked us over, you fucked Sammy over. He’s got no father because of you, you motherfucking fucker!” I yell hoarsely, tears streaming down my cheeks. I curse myself for crying. I can’t cry. I have to be strong, I have to put up with this shit, if not for me, then for Sam. “Fucking Christ,” I groan, grabbing at my jacket, wrapping it around me. The fuck was I doing out here? What good was freezing going to do? What good was screaming going to do? It’s not like my dad could hear, it’s not like mom could suddenly appear with her warming hugs. _Mom_.

I rest my head in my palms, tears flowing freely. I miss her hugs so much. I miss her smile, her laugh, her touch. Why did she have to die? Why did she have to lose her precious beautiful life while I sit here, wasting away mine with pointless screaming. _God_. Why, why, why the fuck did she have to go? I’d gladly trade places with here in a heartbeat. Sam never knew her, never knew just how much he meant to her.

Cloudy memories of her singing me to sleep suddenly flow into my head, and I know I’ve opened the flood gates. Her fingers splayed through my hair, her voice not amazing and gorgeous, but gravelly and beautiful. Her heart was so warm. She would sing old songs to me. Not lullabies. She would sing _Hey Jude_ when I couldn’t sleep. She would take me in her arms, stroke my back softly three times, and then kiss me on the forehead before she started to hum along and sing.

My phone beeps. It’s Sam.

_Where are you? Where’s dad?!_

Dammit, he found the note. He was supposed to be asleep. Damn, I slowly get up, brushing sand off my pants, wiping the tears away and pressing my palms into my eyes. I hike up to the car and start the engine. Barely any gas. _Fuck_.

I start driving back up the coast, towards town, and only get about two miles before she sputters and slows to a roll. I steer her off the road, onto a small perch on the roadside. I grab my phone, thankfully having charged it the night before, and call Castiel.

It rings. And rings. It’s pretty early. Rings. “Hello?” A tired, groggy moan sounds through the line.

“Cas?” I ask, voice tired from the screaming. “Hey, man... Could I ask something big?” I bite my lip, hoping he can come bring me some gas.

A few beats. “Sure, Dean. What do you need?” I can hear him getting out of bed.

“I’m out of gas, stranded down the coast. Could you bring me some? The closest gas pump is at least a 45 minute walk away.” I sigh.

“How far out?”

“40 minutes,” I bite back my breath.

“Be there in an hour.” He grumbles, but I know he’s got a small smile on his face.

“You’re a lifesaver Castiel, thank you so much.”

“On my way,” he manages as the phone clicks. I sit in the driver seat, thanking the same god, or whatever I had been screaming at before, for such a good friend—well whatever we were—that Cas was to me.

Half an hour later I see his tan car pull up. His hair’s a mess as he slides out of the car. He goes to the backseat, picking up a red gallon of fuel.

“That was fast,” I smile, voice croaking.

“I left as soon as you called,” he smiles. He walks closer, dropping the tank on the ground. “What are you doing out here, anyway?”

“Nothing,” I lie, obvious because it’s almost 8 in the morning, I have no reason to be in between two towns stretching down the coast. He tilts his head and furrows his brows, so fucking cute. I reach for the tank and start to fill the Impala up. “My dad decided to leave before Christmas,” I pause, biting back any emotion. “He left a note, a fucking note. Saying he’s gone and will hopefully be back before Christmas. I know better than to hope for something that won’t happen.” I sigh, emptying the fuel container, screwing the cap back on and handing it to Cas, who just stands there. I put it on the ground next to his feet. “I uh, I drove out here to calm down... Sunrise over the waves always helps me out.” I shyly admit to what an emotional wreck I was.

“Wanna grab some breakfast?” Castiel just asks, offering a smile.

“That sounds real nice Cas.” I say, voice still sore. He smiles and picks up the empty container, as he trails back to his car. “Follow me; I know a good place down here.” He just gives me a smile and a nod.

During breakfast we sit and talk, as I explain to Castiel that my dad wasn't going to be back for at least a week. I had texted Sam back, letting him know what was up.

“So, does the offer still stand?” I ask, finishing my plate. He’s confused for a second, doing his little head tilt. God.

“Yes, of course Dean. You and Sam are more than welcome to come over.” He smiles. “Gabe will be happy to have you, and Anna will be excited to carry a conversation with you.” His blue eyes swarm with happiness and excitement.

“I’m not that good,” I blush.

“Don’t be modest, Dean. It doesn’t look good on you.” He gives me a knowing wink, his hand finding mine under the table.

“Oh, and what does?” I tease, his good mood infecting me.

“Confidence,” he whispers. I give him my cocky smile. “Not arrogance, ass, confidence.”

“You know what else looks good on me?” I smile, leaning closer to him. He flushes a little and his hand tightens around mine. He leans in, lips almost on mine. I close the distance, kissing him tenderly. His lips dry but soft, his hand warm around mine. We pull away and he gives me that trademark small smile. “Dammit, Cas.” I mutter.

“What?” He asks playfully, his fingers intertwining with mine. His eyes move from my lips to my eyes and our gazes lock. I give him my lopsided grin.

“Now I’m in a good mood.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ["Scream, Scream, Scream"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nXwp0GuHqdg) by Ludo


	13. High Hopes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Thank you, thank you so much Cas.” I smile, blushing profusely as Dean gapes, still unable to cope with what he’s holding in his hands. “You just kicked my gift’s ass, Cas. There’s no way it’ll beat this.” He says as he reaches for the gifts they brought for me.

This Wednesday is Christmas Eve and Sam and Dean come over around noon. They’re spending the night, I insisted, teasing that we could stay up and wait for Santa. Dean gave a big laugh at that but agreed. They come in, a few gifts in hand and I roll my eyes. “You didn’t have to bring any gifts, idiot,” I smile at Dean, greeting him with a hug. “Hey Sam,” I smile at his even taller brother. Damn, he’s growing really fast.

“Hey, Cas,” he beams. He brings a few gifts over to the tree. Dean gives me a kiss on the cheek as he follows Sam and puts a few oddly shaped gifts next to the others.

Anna sips some eggnog, non alcoholic, while Gabe ruffles Dean’s hair playfully, his spiked drink sloshing slightly. “My favourite greaser, and his tall ass brother,” Gabriel smiles, reaching out to shake Sam’s hand. Sam blushes at the comment and Dean just grins.

Luke sits on the couch eyeing the presents greedily. Almost immediately he takes a liking to Sam, both he and Gabe just loving the kid. But what’s not to love about his goofy smile and bitchface when Dean makes a remark about his beautiful Samantha, getting all the boys. We just laugh.

Anna and Dean spark up a conversation, Dean smiles proudly when she compliments his signing. I join in the conversation, finding Dean needing a little bit of help.

“So tell me about the two of you,” Anna smiles as she directs the question to me. Dean understands and gives a slight blush. His arm snakes around my waist, pulling me close. I smile.

I sign to Anna, “It just sort of happened, Friday night, and, well...” I try to find a sign to describe it but fail. She just nods approvingly and returns to the kitchen to fill up her glass.

“So whad’ya wanna be when you grow up... If that’s possible,” Gabe smiles at Sam, noting his size in comparison to Dean.

“A lawyer,” He smiles, sipping some of his eggnog.

“He’s a real nerd,” Dean appears, dragging me with him. “Did either of you spike his drink?” He says suddenly, eying the red cup. “You will not live to see Christmas morning if you did.” He warns.

Lucifer lets out a low chuckle. “Don’t worry. God, you’re worse than Gabe.”

“I just watch out for my brother is all,” he smiles, playfully messing with Sam’s hair.

“Dean! Could you not be a jerk for five seconds?”

“Bitch,” he grins playfully. Sam just rolls his eyes as he continues talking to my brothers. I pull Dean away towards the other chair.

He sits in the La-Z-Boy. I dangle my legs off the arm of it and turn into Dean with a smile. “I’m glad you could come.”

A brief hint of sadness, then anger, then happiness flints across his deep eyes. “Same,” is all he says, swallowing thickly. I don’t say anything further, just enjoying his company.

“Castiel!” I hear Anna’s muffled voice, nasally and low. I look up to see her waving me over to the kitchen.  _The food_.

I hop up and check the stove, saving the crab just in time. I put the pasta in the other boiling pot, watching the strands fold smoothly. “Did Captain America save the food?” Dean chimes in behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist.

“No,” I smile, turning around to meet his face inches away. “Martha Stewart did.” He laughs kissing my cheek and sits in the chair as I tend to the food.

Dean insists on helping cook, and I give him a look. “Come on, Cas, it can’t be that difficult.”

I chuckle. “Do you really want the fuck up Christmas dinner?” I grimace, as I burn my finger on the pot of boiling pasta. Dean runs to the sink, turning the cold water on.

“Come here,” he chides.

“It’s just a little burn, Dean.” I smile, but let him take my reddening finger under the stream of cold.

“Just, shh,” he coos, “let me, okay?”

I give a roll of my eyes, but love how caring and worried he seems. I stare at him sideways, watching his eyes flicker over to the food. He runs back, takes the pasta off the stove. When I protest, he gives me a look saying ‘stay where you are’ and I can’t help but laugh at his motherly expression. “You’re big brother is showing,” I tease. He returns to my side, gives a long look over my finger and lets me turn off the water.

“You’re sas is showing,” he retorts, kissing my finger, then pulling me into a deep kiss, arms tight around me.

We have crab legs and pasta for dinner, a tradition in my family my mom started a long time ago. We sit around the crowded dining table, Dean bragging about Sam’s grades for the end of the semester. Sam blushes and Lucifer laughs. Gabriel chimes, “It’s ok, Sam, Castiel’s got the brains in this family.” He smiles at me. “Anna’s got the arts down,” he leaves out Lucifer on purpose.

“Pay attention to me, I’m bored,” Lucifer whines. “What do I have, Gabriel?” He adds in a soft voice, teasing.

“Luci’s got... well, no one knows exactly what he brings to the table.” Luke scrunches his nose, sticking his tongue out at Gabe.

“What about you?” Sam asks, curious.

“Oh, I bring the trouble.” He winks and Lucifer laughs with Dean and me.

“So you’re just like Dean?” Sam teases, and this time it’s Dean who’s embarrassed for a change. He kicks his brother under the table, I know because his foot leaves mine, playing shameless footsie at the dinner table.

“I’m not lucky enough to drive that beauty,” Gabe nods out the window to the Impala parked out front of the garage.

They talk about cars for a bit, Luke and Anna carrying a different conversation. I chime into both conversations, quickly getting lost. I meet Dean’s eyes, a smile on his lips.

 “So, Cas,” Gabriel notices our eyes staring into each other. “Whad’ya get the greaser and his sasquatch brother for Christmas?”

After clearing our plates, Dean and I load the dishwasher, the others going out to the tree, inspecting presents.

“Well dinner went nicely,” I smile, closing the door to the dishwasher.

“Did you think it wouldn’t?” Dean smirks next to me, pulling me in close, his eyes lingering on my lips.

“I’m just glad Lucifer behaved himself,” I admit, reaching up to cups Dean’s cheek. He gives me a grin.

“Your brothers really like Sam. I’m almost jealous.” He teases, his thumb brushing my lower lip and tucking a stray hair behind my ear. I tilt my head up, meeting his lips in a chaste kiss. His smile warms my heart and we join the others in the living room.

Lucifer grabs at a present, handing it to Anna. The gift giving ensues. It’s small, from Luke. Her smile brightens the room when she finds a simple golden necklace, with a small charm, a pallet, holding golden colours. She hugs him, gives him a kiss on his stubbly cheek, and pulls a gift out for Gabe, from her. He opens the red wrapping to find a box set of the first couple season’s of Adventure Time. He smiles at Anna, signing “Thank you,” and “I love it!”

Gabriel hands me a present with a wink. Cautiously, I open it, so only I can see it’s a bottle of lube. I throw him a glare.

But when my cheeks flush, Dean asks as I shield the bottle from his eyes, “What’s that?”

“Lotion,” Gabriel smiles. “Gag gift for Cas and his soft baby skin.” He coos, getting a laugh from Dean. Dean wraps his arm around my waist, pulling me close. I smile at his touch.

I point to Gabriel’s present and he picks up the small rectangle. His eyes go wide when he finds a simple deck of cards. “Cassie!” he smiles. It’s nothing big but I know he’s been talking about learning some magic tricks. Plus he told me he didn’t want anything for Christmas and to focus my gift money of something nice for Dean and Sam.

“Maybe you could show us some tricks later,” I smile and he gives me a sideways hug. He flips through the deck as Anna opens a few more gifts. She gives Dean a beginner’s sign language book, not knowing Sammy was coming. She apologizes, but Sam doesn’t seem to care.

 Lucifer opens a few, finding handcuffs, no doubt from Gabe. As thanks, Gabriel receives a glare. He just laughs.

I hand Dean and Sam their gifts. Sam opens the wrapping paper to find a hardback book, his eyes going wide. “I love mythology!” He looks up, his huge toothy grin directed at me. My heart warms and Dean gives me a similar look.

Dean opens his, gently opening the carefully wrapped thin squares. His eyes light up, filled with amazement when they see an original pressing of Led Zeppelin’s self titled vinyl, original 1969 sold in the UK, the rare turquoise sleeved edition making Dean unable to speak. “How did you...” he trails off. “This was their first vinyl... valued more than $1,000...”

I give a small shrug. “Our mom was a big fan. It wasn’t worth as much then, but she didn’t mind passing it on to me. I know you don’t have a player, but we do, and I figured you’d like to have it just to—“

“Cas, I can’t take this... I just...” I give him a look. “Well, it’s staying here so I can listen to it. I cannot accept this gift.” I glare at him and give him a quick kiss.

“You’ll have co-ownership, how’s that?” I smile.

“Thank you, thank you so much Cas.” I smile, blushing profusely as Dean gapes, still unable to cope with what he’s holding in his hands. “You just kicked my gift’s ass, Cas. There’s no way it’ll beat this.” He says as he reaches for the gifts they brought for me.

I roll my eyes. “You didn’t have to,” I protest.

“Just open them,” Dean urges, lips still curled up in his wild smile. I open Sam’s first, uncovering a season of Sherlock, giving Sam a big grin. “Thank you,” I mutter, not expecting such a gift from him. Dean must have revealed what a geek I was. I thumb Dean’s careless wrapping, wondering what the small object could be. I uncover it to find a pocket watch,  _the_  pocket watch. My eyes go wide. “How did you...” Now it’s my turn to be amazed. In my hands I hold the original Chameleon Arch fob watch. I can’t even form words.

“Did you forget how to English, dear Cassie?” Gabriel smiles at me. Lucifer and Anna are holding a conversation together, about what a dork I am.

I shake my head, not believing the cool metal beneath my fingertips. “I can’t...”

“You can be the co-owner,” Dean mimics, laughing lightly. “So, uh, do you like it? Our grandfather helped with props or something so... It was hard convincing Sam, but he agreed you’d make a perfect Ten. Plus there’s more than one original, so Sam didn’t mind.”

I shake my head in disbelief, pulling Dean into a tight hug. “Thank you so much, Dean, Sam.” I breathe.

Dean just smiles, then hands Gabriel a present. Gabriel open’s the rectangle to reveal a Doctor Sexy box set. “Awesome!” Gabe laughs, thanking Dean and Sam.

Anna heads to bed and Lucifer and Gabriel follow suit. Sam wants to sleep out on the couch, so he can see the beautiful tree. I guess Christmas is something neither of them ever really had.

I say goodnight to Sam and Dean changes into his pajamas. I find him with his shirt off. I grin and change into my pajamas as well, Dean turning his head to give me privacy. I almost laugh.

I join him on my bed, giving him a soft kiss. I turn on some cheesy Christmas movie and cuddle up to him.

When the movie ends, I glance up to find Dean’s eyes transfixed on my lips. I smile as he cups my cheek and plants a tender kiss there. He pulls away with a smile. “What was that?” I ask with a small grin.

“Well, I was wondering, Cas, what you were doing Friday night.” He gives me a gentle grin, biting his lip as his eyes hold mine.

I smile wide, turning to face him completely. “Why?”

“You wanna go see a movie?” He signs, making my grin grow even bigger.

I just nod and plant a big kiss on his lips. He smiles into me and wraps an arm around my waist. I turn into him, holding the kiss.

After some heated making out, we both find sleep, the joy Dean had today helping me fall off to sleep. The last thing I see is that irresistible grin, widening across his lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ["High Hopes"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E4povfmX144) by Kodaline


	14. Drive On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam and I sit silently until Anna asks, “Why would she give a ten year old a lighter?” And everyone laughs.
> 
> “She knew what a pyro I was,” Luke says with a wink.

I open my tired eyes to see a smiling Castiel, bright blue eyes staring at me. I yawn loudly, stretching my neck a little.

“Happy Christmas,” he beams.

I laugh. “Cas, you’re not British,” and after a second my eyes widen with a realization. “It’s Christmas... It’s Christmas!” I jump up on the bed smiling at the surprise in Castiel’s eyes. “Merry Christmas, Cas!” I say, so excited I could kiss him, so I do. I engulf him in a sweet simple kiss, my hands cupping his cheeks gingerly. I hop up and pull him to the door. He laughs behind me.

I find Sam sleeping on the couch, though his eyes slowly open, probably waking up from my yelling and thumping. “Dean,” he groans. His eyes meet mine and they suddenly fill with the same excitement. “Dean! Dean, it’s Christmas!” He smiles, running towards me with his adorable puppy dog eyes. He wraps me in a big hug, quickly letting go. “Eww, go put a shirt on,” but Castiel is already throwing me a shirt. We tug them on over our heads, joining Sam on the couch. “Merry Christmas, Castiel,” Sam beams.

Cas smiles, returning it with a simple, “Merry Christmas.”

A loud laugh bellows from the kitchen and a large figure emerges. If I didn’t know better, I would have believed it was Santa Clause himself, but Gabriel tugs at the beard and I know it’s him. “Merry Christmas,” he bellows, Luke toting a green cap, the only costume piece he allows. I smile and Sam laughs loudly. Luke rolls his eyes.

Anna heads from the kitchen, ignoring the two idiots. “Good morning,” she signs happily.

We all sit on and around the couch. Gabriel pulls small boxes out of his red bag, handing them to Luke to pass out. He gives one to each of us begrudgingly.

When we settle, Gabriel leaves the room and returns, in his regular PJ’s, wearing a Dr. Sexy tee shirt he had gotten from Luke. He gestures towards us. Luke opens his first, revealing a rather nice metallic lighter, silver glinting in his hands. Flames carve around his name, _Lucifer_ ,etched into the sleek metal. His eyes go wide and he allows a genuine smile to cross his lips.

Anna opens hers, smiling at the golden charm bracelet she finds, a paintbrush and canvas clipped on as well as a hand in the shape of an ‘ _A_ ’ in sign language. She’s filled with joy as she sees a special charm reading _Anael_ , which I assume is her real name. It sounds angelic and she openly thanks Gabriel.

Castiel thumbs his small box, picking up a silver band, wings engraved on the outside, _Castiel_ etched on the inside. His eyes fill with brotherly love for Gabriel and his smile is so incredibly beautiful, my heart cringes at it.

I look down at the box in my lap, hesitantly opening it, not expecting to find the personalized leather key chain, reading _Dean_. I almost gasp at the gift, surprised by how simple but sweet it is.

Sam opens the box to find his name scrawled across a piece of notebook paper in blue ink. He laughs and then Gabriel hands him another box. He opens it to find a rubber key chain, _Samantha_ written along a rainbow between two clouds.

“They didn’t have any Sam’s, so...” he laughs.

Sam rolls his eyes and Gabriel hands him another box. This time the real gift revealing his name, _Sam_ , etched on a small wooden plank hanging from a key chain. Not professional, something Gabriel obviously whipped up last night. It’s clear though, and sweet. He smiles and thanks Gabriel.

“These are really sweet, Gabe,” Castiel pipes up.

“I uh, I actually found them in one of mom’s old shoeboxes.” He admits. “Well, except for the last few,” he laughs. “She must’ve bought them for that Christmas.” It gets quiet quickly.

Sam and I sit silently until Anna asks, “Why would she give a ten year old a lighter?” And everyone laughs.

“She knew what a pyro I was,” Luke says with a wink.

“Cas, you can put the ring on a necklace if ya want,” Gabe offers. Cas nods, hiding his misting eyes from us. I rub his back gently and he leans into the touch.

“What’d you get Gabe,” Sam asks gently. Gabe gives a big grin.

“She had a large silver chain with a silver Joker and Ace of Spades dangling from it. My name’s engraved on them.” He thumbs the necklace from under his shirt, smiling proudly. “It’s perfect.”

Luke nods, Anna smiles sweetly, Luke helping her put the charm bracelet on. I feel like an intruder, until Cas turns to me, his eyes big and wide. He gives me a smile and I melt. I get up to grab Sam’s present from Cas’s room. I return with a grocery bag, he opens it and see’s a porn magazine and shaving cream. He laughs.

“Is this one of yours?” He smirks, gesturing to the magazine. He reaches under the tree, the last present for me to open on Christmas Day. Sam hands it to me and I open the grocery bag. I laugh when I see motor oil and a candy bar.

“Did we both get our presents at the Gas N’ Sip?” I ask with a laugh. Sam nods and the morning carries on in the happy Christmas spirit that is so extremely foreign.

Castiel finds an old chain and slips the ring on, placing the chain over his head. I smile and give him a kiss as we leave his room.

I kiss Castiel goodbye when we leave. I wave and thank Gabriel, and everyone, for such a wonderful Christmas. Sam and I leave around 1 pm and head over to Bobby’s, who’s grilling for Christmas dinner.

We arrive with a case of beer, one we found in our garage, and Bobby raises an eyebrow. We watch the football game as we eat his delicious meal.

We spend the night at his house when he insisted we shouldn’t drive back in the dark. It’s a good thing too, because there’s an accident, thankfully not fatal and not with Chuck or Ash.

I sleep on the couch, Sammy hogging most of it. He kicks me in his sleep and I almost push him off the couch. God, and his snore, so fucking loud, I’m surprised I can fall asleep.

I think over the day, so thankful for Castiel and his family, so thankful for Sammy and for Bobby. The only thought of my father a fleeting one, one of surprising worry, before I drift off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ["Drive On (Acoustic)"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2kX2tj8B8bk) by Avalanche City


	15. In the Blue Moonlight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “The movie ended at 9:30.” Luke remarks, his grin stretching into a maniacal show of teeth. “What time is it Gabriel?”
> 
> Gabriel looks at the clock above the stove. “By golly, it’s 11:15!”

Anna leaves Thursday, having to get back home. Friday rolls around and Dean comes over around 5. I’ve pulled on a clean tee and whitewashed jeans. He’s decked out in a soft red flannel, his top buttons exposing some skin. Lucifer has decided to stay for another week and walks by when Dean enters. He stops, eyes Dean and breathes, “You take care of Castiel, ya hear?”

Dean nods, intimidated by Luke. “Yes, yes of course.” Lucifer nods and Gabe comes out of his room shaking his head at Lucifer.

“Leave ‘em alone Luci. They’re just young and in love. Remember that?” Gabriel smiles, Dean and I both blushing.

“Yah, I remember it last night, with that blonde of yours,” he offers a devious grin. I roll my eyes and quickly follow Dean out to the Impala. I see Charlie peering through the blinds, watching us like a spy. I shake my head and get in the car, Dean holding the door open for me. A proper gentleman.

He takes me to a surprisingly nice restaurant. The waiter seats us as we talk about random things. We talk about how Dean finally started watching Sherlock and loves it.

"He's such an ass and John totally puts up with it! And their feelings for each other are so obvious!" He groans as we get our food. I dine on pasta and he eats a chicken breast.

"Sounds familiar," I breathe quietly. He eyes me, a smile forming on his lips. His knee knocks against mine beneath the table and we laugh.

When the check comes, Dean insists he cover it and despite my protests I let him because I'm going to buy the movie tickets. When we go to buy tickets however, he never lets me touch my wallet. Not even for popcorn or a drink. We sit down in the second to last row of the theatre. When he places the popcorn between us instead of the arm rest, I hide my little smile. As the movie starts, his fingers find mine and intertwine.

The film is an action romance. Sappy and predictable plot line, but not terrible. "It was probably directed by Michael Bay," Dean smiles, squeezing my hand as I bite back laughter. He 'awws' at all the cute moments, such a big softy, I silently tease. He makes small remarks like, "I told you that was going to happen," and "Obviously he gets the girl," and of course, "Damn, that beauty rides fast!" during a car chase. I like his quiet comments.

The man behind us, large, bulky, and rude, clears his throat several times, even though Dean's occasional commentary is barely above a whisper. "You queers mind shutting up?" He snarls. Some other people around us give him a look, appalled by the homophobic slurs. Dean simply rolls his eyes.

I turn my head to face the balding middle aged man. "Excuse me, but were you speaking to us?" I ask, with a polite smile.

"Yeah, faggot." He growls. More people have turned to watch our encounter. It's a dull point in the movie anyways. Dean squeezes my hand, as if he wants me to let it go. I don't. It's not so much that the slurs bother me but that he has the gall to openly mock us for no good reason.

 "I wasn't aware my sexual preference bothered you so much, sir. May I ask, though, why a handsome young heterosexual male as yourself is attending the movies alone? Where's your date? Have you no female to share your overtly pleasant personality with?" I keep my smile polite and turn my head towards the movie screen, glimpsing the look of awe in Dean's eyes. Some people clap at my words. Others gape and cheer.

"Fucking homo," he barks.

I then turn to Dean, with a devious smile that he returns, and precede to kiss him passionately, in spite of the homophobic asshole behind us.

The man gets up, spitting slurs and curses as he leaves the theatre. More people clap and cheer than they do during the credits.

After the movie, Dean wraps his arm around my waist, leading me to his car. He's got a wide lopsided grin spread across his lips.

"What?" I ask after he closes my door and gets into the driver’s seat. He just turns his head, his earthy greens speckled gold in the moonlight.

"Nothing," he breathes. "I'm just really impressed by what you did back there. You weren't an ass about it. You didn't spit back at him but instead use your head." His hand reaches up to cup my cheek. "You're fucking amazing, you know that?" I let out a soft breath, my bravery starting to cripple at his touch. "You deserve a fucking medal," Dean sighs, brushing his thumb against my cheek.

"I don't deserve anything for simply stating the facts. I don't deserve anything for simply defending myself and my rights." I give a small tight lipped smile, but feel his words warm in my heart. He leans over and kisses me softly.

"That's exactly why I'm so lucky to have you," he says with happiness and pride. My stomach flutters and my heart melts at his low tone.

We take off, heading down the coast. His words echo in my head as he turns on the radio, speeding to Led Zeppelin. He always surprises me with his gentle words. He's kind when you get to know him, but a total devil when you cross his path. His hand grips mine as we find a secluded spot off the highway, not too far down the coast. It’s pretty close to where I had found him stranded that day not too long ago. He shuts off the engine and undoes his seat belt. I follow suit, opening my door with a grin before he can.

"Follow me," he says in my ear as he drags me to a break in the fence, leading to bushes on the cliff overlooking the ocean. I follow him down the trail and it opens onto a private beach, enclosed by rocky walls and vegetation. We sit in a dry area. He pulls me close, warming me against the cool breeze. I can hear his breathing and feel his heartbeat against my ear. I stare up into the night sky, a few scarce clouds chancing over the sliver of moon. “This is where I went the other day, when you came to my rescue after running out of gas. I come out here for peace and quiet. And I thought you’d like it.” He smiles warmly at me.

"Is this where you take all your conquests?" I ask teasingly, my hand brushing over his knee. He stares down at me, his green eyes dark in the light.

"You're no conquest, Castiel," he whispers, his nose touching mine. "You're a treasure, if anything." He looks me right in the eyes, his reflecting the moonlight bouncing off my pale blues.

I blush at his words. "Excuse me, but where is my date, Mr. Winchester?" I chuckle, biting my lip. "A very kind and gracious gentlemen has seemed to of slipped past my defences and invaded my satirical, leather coated, sexy devil of a man." He rolls his eyes, shutting me up with a kiss. When he breaks away after several moments, he touches his forehead to mine, breathing me in. I can taste the salty air, the mist on his lips. I can smell his earthy shampoo, his musky unique scent, grit and sweat meets seductive and sexy. If that were a scent, that is. I shiver a little and he pulls me closer, fixing so our bodies mesh while looking towards the shore.

He breathes. Just breathes. Wraps his arms tight around me, closes his eyes, and takes a deep breath, engraving this moment in his memory forever. I close my eyes, gripping tight at the fleeting moment.

Instead of staying over or coming in, Dean walks me to my door, finishing the night off with a slow kiss, trapping me between his arms. I wave goodnight and he disappears into the darkness as I shut the door. I lean my back against it and before I know it, my two towering brothers are cornering me as I walk into the kitchen.

"So," Luke pries. "How was the date?"

"How was that goodnight kiss, is the better question," Gabriel winks. I blush a light red and they both grin mischievously in return.

"Very nice, and _very_ nice." I answer the two. But they aren't done.

"Why didn't he come in and stay?" Gabe presses.

"Where was he off to in such a hurry?" Luke chimes in.

"Guys, guys, calm your tits," I laugh at the two grown men dying for details.

"My tits are calm," Lucifer smirks, holding Gabriel's hand to his left pectoral. "Aren't they Gabe?"

"Very calm, indeed," he nods matter-of-factly. I roll my eyes and groan, but they block any exit. "However, this little devil is squirming in his chair. Wonder what's gotten into him."

Although they have their differences and often downright hate each other, it’s moments like this when they set aside their differences to torture me. “Guuuuys,” I plead, but they show no mercy.

“Did you give him a curfew Gabe?” Luke asks with a sly grin.

“You know, Luci, I think I did. And he’s late!”

“You never gave me a curfew!” I throw my hands up at him.

“The movie ended at 9:30.” Luke remarks, his grin stretching into a maniacal show of teeth. “What time is it Gabriel?”

Gabriel looks at the clock above the stove. “By golly, it’s 11:15!”

I roll my eyes at their pathetic tones and fake worry.

Lucifer counts off his fingers, “Nine thirty, ten thirty, eleven... almost two hours of _not_ watching a movie.” His eyes scan over me, but I put up my best poker face.

“Spill it,” Gabe demands.

I sigh, my arms crossed. If I don’t give them something to chew on they will never stop. Quickly, in one breath, I sigh, “We drove down the coast, cuddled on the beach, and then came back.”

“For two hours?” I just duck my head pathetically.

“Our little Cassie is such a sap!” Gabriel cries.

I choose this moment to slip past them while their shields are down. I run to my room, shut the door, and fall onto my bed with a satisfied sigh. I can hear their laughter from the kitchen and the sound of the TV clicking on.

Tonight was a good night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ["In the Blue Moonlight"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Szz8jcvSFoQ) by Joel Plaskett


	16. Running Up That Hill

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sound asleep. Safe and sound asleep. Sprawled out across his bed, feet dangling over the edge. The little Sasquatch is growing really fast. A small smile spreads across my lips. His hair falls messily across his face. God, why he refuses to cut it off I’ll never know.

I bolt upright, head spinning, grabbing at the empty space next to me. No Cas. I sigh, wiping the dream away with my hand. I run fingers through my hair, sweat trickling down my neck.

_“Dean, I think we should go to your house.” Castiel tugs on my hand as we suddenly walk up the stairs of my old house. The familiar paint making me smile._

_I see a tall but thin figure swaying in the dim light. I see the crib. I see blonde hair cascading down her shoulders. I see baby Sam._

_Castiel is on the other side of the crib suddenly, Sam in my arms, dad ushering me out, “Take your brother outside as fast as you can! Don't look back! Now Dean! Go!”_

_I stand, cooing Sam in my arms, cold nipping my skin, fire blazing through the window. “Marry! No!” Screams sound through the crackling of wood._

_“It’s okay, Sammy.” It’s okay._

I shudder at the nightmare. My lip quivers and I bite it, trying to hold back the tears, but warm droplets trickle down my cheeks despite my best efforts. I grit my teeth, tighten my jaw and take a deep breath.

Just a dream. Just a stupid dream.

Just a stupid dream of that night 13 years ago, of that fire engulfing your family, leaving only your brother and broken father. Snatching up the hope of a happy childhood, of a childhood at all. That burned to a crisp just like everything else.

I get out of bed, nausea swarming in my stomach, head dizzy. Got up too fast. I don’t care and I run to Sam’s room, cracking the door open quietly.

Sound asleep. Safe and sound asleep. Sprawled out across his bed, feet dangling over the edge. The little sasquatch is growing really fast. A small smile spreads across my lips. His hair falls messily across his face. God, why he refuses to cut it off I’ll never know.

His eyelids flutter open and find mine. He brings a hand to his groggy eyes, pressing his palm to wipe away sleep. “Dean?” he groans tiredly. “What are you doing?”

“Checking to see if you need a new bed,” I smirk. “Grow anymore and we’ll be needing to replace the doorways.” That get’s a laugh out of him. “What do you want for breakfast?”

He looks surprised. “What’s gotten into you?” He asks happily.

“Answer the damn question or you’re getting burnt toast and butter.”

“Anything sounds good.”

I stroll into the kitchen, crack some eggs, fry some bacon, boil some water for coffee. Ten minutes later, a sloppy looking Sam plops into a chair at the kitchen table. He yawns loudly as I bring him a plate of food. He smiles and eats it gratefully. I gobble down my own food and he flicks on some cartoons.

“How was your night?” He grins stupidly.

“’S good. Saw that one action movie. It wasn’t half bad. Then took Cas down the coast then came home to find your ass asleep on the couch.” I pause, thinking of how I strained to carry him to his room. “Do you know how fucking heavy you’ve gotten?”

He laughs. “You could of let me just sleep on the couch ya know.”

“Didn’t want ya griping in the morning.” I grin. He rolls his eyes.

He pauses for a few moments. “If you had such a good night, why do you look like shit?”

“Thanks Sleeping Beauty,” I growl. With a breath, I admit to my nightmare.

“It’s back again?” Sam asks, knowing I have that reoccurring nightmare every so often.

“Yeah, but this time Castiel was in it.” I bite my lip, seeing him stuck behind the crib, no means of escaping the flames. “Trapped in the nursery.” I barely whisper. Sam outstretches his hand to my shoulder. For a while the only sound is of the stupid cartoons, quietly chirping from the TV. I pinch the bridge of my nose, pushing away the thoughts.

I look up to my towering brother. His hair dangles peacefully, serenely. Fucking girl, I smile. “You doin’ anything today?” I ask after we’d returned to watching the cartoons.

“Nah, why?”

“We haven’t had a day to ourselves in a while. I’m taking you out whether you like it or not.” I get up, clearing the dishes. But not before seeing his bright smile shining about the room.

I take him to the coffee shop first, giving Jo a ride as well. We head to the beach after, watching the surfers. The wind picks up and we drive to the book store, treating Sam to a new read. He beams delightfully. _Nerd_.

He catches me smiling, and gives me that look of his, eyes big and sweet. “Why are you so happy today?”

“’Cause I can be,” I snarl back, cranking up AC/DC on the radio.

I drive down the valley, out to Bobby’s. He’s happy to see the two of us together again. He takes us hunting, shooting targets in the forest on his few acres of land. Sam hits a bull’s eye, getting a whoop from the both of us. I hit his mark, getting a look from him, his little bitchface, as his face reads _show off_.

We stay and eat some steak Bobby had marinating. Haven’t had a meal like this in months, minus his delicious Christmas dinner. Sammy beams and Bobby enjoys our company. We stay over and watch the football game, not heading home ‘till after 9.

“Damn, that was a good day,” Sam barks as he plops on the couch. I sink down next to him.

“Yeah it was. Nice shot, by the way.” I nod approvingly. He grins happily with a smirk underlining it. “Dad’s gonna be back this week, or so he said in a text. He said he would be home for a while this time.” I groan. “Why don’t I believe that?”

Both of our phones suddenly go off, not having had reception in the valley. Alarms and beeps fill the air, making the both of us jump.

“How many missed calls you got,” I ask Sam.

“7 from Jess and 3 from Kevin, I think he thought we were gonna do something today.” I laugh at him and he just sighs, dialling Jess.

I head back to my room, checking my messages. Three from Charlie, five from Jo, one from Ash, and one text and one missed call from Castiel. I smile at the last notification.

I read his message first, skimming the others, nothing of importance.

 _Luke finally left. Wanna come over?_ His voicemail basically asks the same thing, just a few hours after the text.

Jo caps locked me because I didn’t drive her home. Charlie wanted to play her new video game with me, and Ash was asking for advice for something with Jo.

I reply to Castiel, _Hey. Was out in the valley, no reception. Just got home._

I apologize to Jo and Charlie, giving them the same excuse. I just tell Ash to go for it, Jo likes anything he does.

I lay back, closing my eyes, black spiralling behind my lids. I take slow breaths, my thoughts drifting to Castiel and his hands, his soft lips, his bare skin. A shudder racks through my body. I bite my lip, and try to stop this thought process, but I can’t stop myself. My hands absent-mindedly travel down to the button on my jeans. I can only feel Castiel’s warm chest against me, his lips passionate, tongue tangling with mine. _God,_ those eyes. Those fucking cerulean pools of want and desire. I see him with his neck thrown back, my mouth nibbling his ear eagerly, his fingers in my hair. And then I’m floating on cloud 9.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ["Running Up That Hill"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vP0ngiMBnas) by Placebo


	17. Beautiful Stranger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Good evening boys,” she twirls her hair. She eyes Dean, giving him a wink. “I love a tall man.”
> 
> Dean wraps his arm around me. “Sorry, Rube’s, I’m taken. Plus, I thought you liked them young?” He says with a slight snarl.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ["Beautiful Stranger"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JvrkQvEBkbc) by Nell
> 
> It goes with the dance.

The next couple of days fly by, cleaning up decorations, saying goodbye to Lucifer. I had talked to Dean a little after the date, but he had been busy with Sam. Their dad still wasn’t back and Dean wouldn’t admit it, but I knew he was beginning to worry.

New Year’s Eve rolls around quickly and I get a call from Dean.

“Hey, whatcha doing tonight?” His voice is low on the other end of the line. He still manages to make my stomach flutter with his voice alone.

“Nothing,” I reply simply.

“Wanna go to a party with me?” He asks, a sliver of hope tracing his voice. Party? Not exactly, but you know, why not? That’d be fun.

“Sure Dean.”

“Pick you up around 6, ok?” I can hear his smile.

“See you then,” I grin, hoping my eagerness doesn’t show.

The line clicks and I look at the time. It’s only 1 pm. Five hours of waiting? I smile at the thought of seeing Dean. I haven’t seen him since Friday. It’s Tuesday. God, I feel clingy as fuck. We’d been on one date, albeit we’ve done more than you’d think before a first date, but we were figuring it out as we went along. I was finally with Dean. And I’d start my new year with him as well.

The butterflies pound against my stomach as I think of the evening. He’d be my New Year’s kiss! Well, I mean hopefully. But I feel as though that’s kind of a given. But to think I get to be with _him_ and start this new chapter of my life in this town with _him_ , well that thought sends shivers down my spine, the most best kind of them all.

I waste away time, watching TV with Gabriel. “Hey, Cas. I’m having some friends over tonight, ok?”

“Are you telling me to make plans or...” I trail off, eying him.

“Well aren’t you and your greaser gonna go make out in a corner or something?” He winks.

“Not with you around! Plus, we’re going to a party together.” I can’t hide my smile.

“Ooh, you two exclusive?” He wiggles his eyebrows. I lose my smile a little.

“Labels are stupid,” I chide him, but his words make me think a little.

“But they are needed.”

“Not necessarily,” I argue. “Dean and I are still figuring things out. We’ve only been on one date.”

“And from how you’ve acted the last couple days, it was one helluva date.” He gives another wink, his voice dipping low as he chuckles.

I roll my eyes. “Shut up, Gabe.” I groan. I don’t really care, but I don’t know what Dean thinks we are. We’re in between stages, I decide. “Why am I telling you this?” I realize suddenly.

“’Cause I’m your brother and I deserve to know.” He gives me a parental look.

“No you don’t, assbutt.” I smirk at him and start to get up.

“You need better comebacks. ‘Assbutt’ isn’t working.” I hear him call from the couch.

“It’s working just fine, assbutt.” I reply as I shut my door. I sigh, eyeing the clock on the wall. 3:47 pm. Not bad. About two hours to go. I can do it. Thoughts of Dean swarm into my mind as I look over any homework, making sure I did it all. Of course, nothing was assigned. I busy myself organizing my room, making my bed, doing the laundry. This is so boring. Once everything is done, I flop onto my bed. 4:30 pm.

I pick out my clothes, settling for a white Oxford. I pick out my old tan trench coat, knowing the weather called for rain. I find dark blue jeans. Casual but nice. I wonder what kind of party this is?

I take a shower, try to contain my hair and fail, and slip into the casual but nice attire, letting my trench coat sit on my bed while I watch the clock. 5:30.

“Meh,” I groan. I get up and look into the mirror, playing with my hair. It’s still drying, messy, sticking up everywhere. As hard as I try, it refuses to follow the same direction, sweeping everywhere. I kind of like it though, sexy. I palm my face, what was I doing. I was going crazy. Dean’s my friend, my more than friend. Hell, I really like this guy and he’s so much more than just a guy. He’s amazing, simply amazing. Like, how could someone like him like me? How? I just don’t get it. In what world was this right?

I shake away the thoughts, knowing how stupid I sound. I just don’t want to mess this up. I don’t want it ending up like Meg and me. I shudder at the thought and let out a shaky breath. I sit on the edge of the bed.

Dean is nothing like Meg. He’s not bossy or controlling, he doesn’t push, and he doesn’t tell me what to do. He’s practically perfect.

No. I can’t revolve my world around him like I did with Meg. That really hurt. And why were these feelings just surfacing now? Had I been so busy trying to get caught up in things and school and friends that I’d ignored this? My heart aches just a bit, and I curse myself for letting Meg have any hold over me.

20 minutes later, there’s a knock at the door. I turn off my TV and give myself a once over. It’s as good as it’s going to get. I grab my tan coat and leave my room.

I see Dean wearing dark jeans, dark boots, and a blue button down. He cleans up very nicely. His hair the usual array of strands, spiked up a bit in the front. I smile at him and say goodbye to Gabe.

“No curfew. Actually, stay out as late as you can. I don’t want you crashing my party.” Gabriel smiles as he starts setting up.

“I thought it was a few friends?” I ask.

“I thought you two were leaving?” He retorts and Dean smirks.

We head to his car and he starts it with some AC/DC cranked. He turns it down a bit as we drive away. It’s oddly quiet.

“So, this party. It’s a nice get up?” I ask, turning to look at him.

“Yeah, nothing super special, but not a rager or anything.” He returns with a slightly forced smile.

I decide not to pry, but I don’t last long. “What’s going on Dean?” I ask carefully.

He’s silent for a few minutes. He’s thinking over his answer. His eyes darken a bit, his lips press into a thin line. His brows furrow a bit. Finally, he mutters, “I don’t know. I just... something feels off.” I wait. He clears his throat. “My Dad was supposed to be home last week. I mean he’s been gone for a while before, but this time he had said hopefully before Christmas. Tomorrow is January 1st. It just...” He trails off. “It’s not sitting right.” He looks up, his green eyes starting to fill with worry.

I hesitate but then speak, wanting to wipe that look off his face. “I’m sure he’s just caught up at work.” I offer, but I know he won’t believe it. “It’s only been a few days. He’ll probably be back within the next week.” I offer sympathetically.

“Yeah, I guess. I mean, I hope so. Sammy’s about to start asking. And I’ve texted him but he hasn’t replied. He never does though.” Dean pauses at the stoplight. He turns to me. “Thanks Cas, for, ya know, just uh, listening.”

I give him a soft smile, locking onto his eyes. “You don’t have to thank me Dean. It’s why I’m here.” I rest my hands on his knee, gently rubbing it to soothe him. It seems to work and he slowly get’s into a better mood.

Instead of going to the party right away, since we’ll probably be there for hours, Dean and I spit ball ideas of how to pass the time.

“We could go to the beach and watch the sunset?” I offer. That get’s an amused look out of him and I smile bleakly. “Right, you refuse to admit what a big softy you are.”

He gives me a look then rolls his eyes. “I don’t want to get sand all up in my hair, or anything.” He pauses, holding my hand. We’re parked besides a gas station, having filled up his tank. “What about the wharf?” he suddenly beams.

My eyes light up as well. “I like it. We could get there just in time to catch an ‘accidental’ glimpse of the sunset.” I tease. “I haven’t been there yet anyways.”

Dean’s eyes go wide. “You haven’t been to the wharf? You’ve been here for what, five months, and you still haven’t gone to the wharf?”

“There are a lot of places I haven’t been,” I admit, then add slyly, “A lot of things I haven’t done.”

Dean’s lips curl into a smirk and he pulls me in, giving me a deep kiss. When he let’s go, he says, “We’re going to the wharf.” And we drive away.

There’s a lot of people. We had seemed to forget it was New Year’s and there’s a big festival that Dean forgot to mention. “Uh,” he starts, holding me close. I smile and spot a clearing in the crowd, next to the candy shop, which had a huge display of a taffy puller. I pull him towards there and he just follows me with a smile on his face.

I stop in front of the window, sugar filling every single sense, causing my nose to scrunch up. Dean laughs and kisses my crinkled nose. I gape at the huge machine, becoming slowly entranced by the constant pull of white taffy, the metal bars pulling it in the middle, separating from each other then meeting. A sort of dance.

Something about it pulls my focus and I don’t notice Dean kissing my neck and his stubble gently scratching my cheek until his lips tickle my ear, a soft whisper, of “Cas...” trailing off. I quickly feel his hands around my waist, his chest against my back, his hands trailing my sides, pulling me in closer. A quick shiver runs through my body and he lets out a soft chuckle. “What?” He practically groans in my ear, the crowd suddenly ceasing to exist and it’s just the two of us. I lean into his touch, melting beneath him. I turn around and meet his lips, suddenly craving him. He returns it, but bites back passion, at least one of us remembering we’re in public. “Cas!” He breathes again, bringing me out of yet another stupor, this time I’m back in reality, Dean blushing profusely.

I blush and look around, meeting a few people’s stares. “Oops,” I almost giggle. “I uh, kind of, uh forgot... Hey, look!” I quickly change the subject as I see two people getting out of a photo booth. I drag Dean over and he complies. We sit behind the curtain and he lifts me onto his lap. I laugh and we start the pictures.

First it’s just a simple sweet one, Dean holding me close to him, smiling. The second is a silly one, Dean going cross eyed and me sticking my tongue out. The third is when he turns and kisses my cheek. I blush. By the fourth, I’m kissing him, capturing a shot of us mid kiss, thankfully not with an awkward outstretched neck or anything.

They develop and I laugh at Dean’s faces. The cross eyed one is hilarious, and the kiss is adorable. I’m blushing red in the black and white photos and Dean pulls me in for a kiss, tucking his into his back pocket.

We walk over to the edge of the wharf, people moving about around us. We find a binocular thingy, and put a few quarters in. He looks through the lens and spies some seals on a dingy. “Heh, dingy,” he chuckles immaturely. Before it clicks, his view is suddenly blocked, and when he looks up, I meet his eyes, having stood in front of the lens. He smiles and scoops me up for another chaste kiss.

We stay as the sun sets, Dean’s arms wrapped tightly around me, and he goes soft when he kisses me as the light disappears below the horizon. “Softie,” I mumble after the kiss. We laugh and head back to the car. We head to the party and pull up to Ruby’s house once more. “I thought this was a classy party?” I ask, slightly confused, slightly playful.

“Ruby’s classy, when she wants to be,” he offers a wink, ringing the door bell. The door swings open to reveal Ruby, her blonde hair falling over a black lace dress, vintage or something. Not super fancy, but very nice.

“Good evening boys,” she twirls her hair. She eyes Dean, giving him a wink. “I love a tall man.”

Dean wraps his arm around me. “Sorry, Rube’s, I’m taken. Plus, I thought you liked them young?” He says with a slight snarl.

“I knew you threw a nice Halloween party, but this? This is very nice.” I say, smiling at her, trying to ease some tension.

“What you don’t know about me could fill a book,” she says, smiling all the same, widening the door revealing the larger group of people, casually clad in button downs and dresses. We walk in, Dean huffing passed Ruby. I make a mental note of their odd relationship. They weren’t this bad on Halloween. Then again, they didn’t talk much.

We enter and find few outliers, the party actually relatively calm and classy. Dean smiles at my surprise. “Bitch has a few tricks up her sleeve,” he leans over with a kiss.

“What’s it with you two anyway?” I ask, not knowing if I’m pushing but still I’m curious.

He grimaces. “We had a thing last year. Nothing serious. She’s a year younger than me and made an advance on Sam during our... _fling_. Things are just a little... tense between the two of us.” Hmm. If this happened last year, Sam would have been a seventh grader. He is pretty tall, and old for his grade, but still.

“Ok,” I say, letting it go. And I’m glad I did. Dean instantly seems to be in a better mood. “So, any New Year’s resolutions?” I ask.

“Nah, I don’t believe in setting a goal I don’t plan on actually reaching,” a sadness tinges his voice but he shakes it off. “It’s stupid anyways. People saying they’re gonna stop doing this or start doing that: they never do.”

“I see your point.”

“I take it you don’t share the same view?” He says.

“Well, I think there are reasonable resolutions and downright stupid ones. If you’re going to set a goal, you should be serious about it and do all you can to actually reach it.” I say with a nod. I respect Dean’s opinion though.

“Point taken,” he says with his small grin. “Do you have any?”

I pause, grabbing us some drinks, this time not spiked. “You know, I think I’m just excited for the New Year,” and spending it with you, but I don’t say that. I think my eyes give it away because Dean leans into me, holding me close.

We walk over to the patio outside, getting some fresh air. It’s almost 10:30. Dean holds me from behind, his chin resting on my shoulder. “’S beautiful,” he says, our eyes glancing at the moon.

“Yeah, it is,” I smile, looking for the stars. It’s cloudy but I find one.

“Not talking about that,” he smiles against my chin. I blush, looking down at our hands. I turn my head, meeting his eyes.

My heart always fluttered or just almost beat out of my chest, but right now it calms. Skips a beat, almost. An unfamiliar warmness spreads through my chest, through my body. I love hearing Dean speak, but the words of praise and kindness always kicks me, a good kick, reminding me what an amazing person he really was, what a huge heart he truly had. Our lips meet and I don’t pull away. I lean into him, turning around in his arms, letting my hands travel the expanse of his back. He pulls away a few moments later, leaning his head against mine, nose to nose, closing his eyes, breathing me in. A simple gesture, letting me know how much he treasures these moments.

“Cas,” he starts and then bites his lip, pulling away a little, looking up at the sky. “I was, uh, wondering... Do you, uh, wanna go out with me?” He says awkwardly. “Like, be my, uh... my,” he trails off, looking down at his now fidgeting hands. I bite back a chuckle. I knew what he was getting at. He didn’t need to clarify. I take his fidgeting hands in mine.

“Labels are stupid,” I whisper. “But I don’t care, not if I’m with you.” He meets my eyes, a hint of sadness, as if he thought I would say no, flints across those green eyes. His lips grow wide, his smile turning wild and big, that lopsided grin spread across his silly, beautiful face.

He stands there dumbfounded. My heart flutters. The warmness, there it is again. “Really?” He asks, as if this were a dream.

“Yes, Dean, I’d very much like to go out with you.” I pull him close, tilting my head up to his. Did he not think I wanted this? Or was he unsure? But the questions leave my thoughts as his hands reach for my cheeks, pulling me in for a deep, languid, kiss.

I watch Dean play beer pong around 11:15, and then we join a game of charades, cheating by sign language, but it works and they have signers on the other team as well. So it’s ok.

The hour inches towards 12, but I barely notice, caught up in the strange atmosphere, a mix of happiness and serenity along with heat and anxiety. I think it’s all the people. I don’t love crowds, but I’ve done rather well today. I think of the photo booth and standing under the moonlight with Dean.

People are dancing and Dean drags me off my feet to join. I blush, but he takes my hand, wrapping his arms around my waist. A song I don’t recognize plays, it’s soft but has a few hints of electronic to it.

_Strange_

_I barely know you,_

_but yet I feel deeply connected to you_

We dance together, eyes meeting and never leaving. I feel so safe in his arms. I wrap my hands around his neck, eventually leaning my head on his shoulder, nose tucked beneath his head.

_Beautiful Stranger_

I follow his movements, feet matching his. I nudge into his neck, receiving a gentle kiss on the head.

_Strange_

_I don’t even know you,_

_but yet I feel so strong and bold when I’m with you_

I pull back, meeting his eyes. His are full of something I can’t name. Happiness, sadness, joy, kindness, caring, a lot of caring. Something more.

I’m lost in the song, the lyrics the only sound we hear, his eyes the only thing I see, his touch the only thing I feel.

_My Beautiful stranger_

We barely hear the counts of “10, 9, 8, 7...” so lost in each other.

_It will never be the same_

His nose brushes mine. My heart skips a beat.

_It will never be the same_

“3, 2, 1... Happy New Year!”

Our lips meet, passion filling the air around us, surging through our bodies into each other. We sway back and forth, until the song comes to an end, almost forgetting there is anyone here but us.

I start the new year with Dean. I started the school year with Dean. He was one of the few people I met and clicked with. He was one of my closest friends. He was something much more than that, so much more. And now, standing in his arms, something changes inside of me.

_It will never be the same._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ["Beautiful Stranger"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JvrkQvEBkbc) by Nell
> 
> I had a lot of difficulty choosing the name for this chapter, so here are the other options that fit almost equally well. I may use them for further chapters.
> 
> ["The Wanting Comes in Waves/Repaid"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WfKhydixkeA) by The Decemberists  
> ["Mr. Feather"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dlshVRx_iVE) by Ellegarden  
> ["Not Now"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HvcOuExmeJg) by Blink-182  
> ["You & Me"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mdkPL4MDLKI) by Diamond Rings


	18. 505

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I sigh and finally pull him in for a kiss. It’s deep and languid, tender and sweet. His hand searches my chest, wrapping around my neck. I pull away. “Or else.”

After half an hour of celebrating, Castiel makes sure I’m fit to drive, which I am, and we drive out along the coast. I’m with Castiel, starting off a whole new year. A fresh start. With him.

“Can I put some music on?” Castiel asks as the Zeppelin song slows.

I give him a look, my brows furrowed. Hey, why not? It’s Cas. “Better be something good,” I nod my head in agreement.

He turns on the radio. Some pop song comes on and he starts humming along. Oh, Cas.

“No, we are not—“

“Dean, come on, it’s a new year. New beginnings. Trying new things?” Well I was all up for trying new things, but my music? I don’t like changing that.

“Fine,” I grumble. The song is a little catchy. Which only makes it worse.

“It’s going down. I’m yelling timber! You better move, you better dance.” Castiel sings softly, bobbing his head to the music, and I bite back laughter. Only I fail, letting out a chuckle. He blushes red. “What? Am I that bad?” He stops singing.

“No, no,” I correct. “It’s just... It’s interesting watching you sing this. Whatever this is.” I give a slight grimace.

“It’s Kesha. And you’re only mad because you like it.”

“I do not like it,” I make a face. “Ok, it’s a little catchy.” I admit sheepishly.

“Hah! See! What did I say?” Castiel is so proud of himself it’s hilarious. I try and make a straight face but he just continues singing. “I have 'em like Miley Cyrus, clothes off. Twerking in their bras and thongs, timber. Face down, booty up, timber.” He goes along with the rap and I break into laughter. Thankfully we’ve reached the spot on the coast and I pull over. I keep laughing because he keeps singing. “One more shot, another round, end of the night, it's going down.” He sings, unbuckling his seatbelt and inching closer, laughing between words. “Come on Dean!”

I sigh. “Wooooah,” I sing monotone. He falls into a fit of laughter and I slide out of my seat belt.

Castiel laughs and somehow manages to get me to sing along with him. “Let’s make a night, you won’t remember, I’ll be the one, you won’t forget.” And he erupts once more with laughter. The song ends, finally, and I just shake my head at him, my stupid grin plastered on my face. I turn off the car.

“I can’t believe I got you to—“

“You, tell no one, mister.” I scold, making a point of it, leaning towards him with a stare.

“Or what?” He teases, biting his lip.

I sigh and finally pull him in for a kiss. It’s deep and languid, tender and sweet. His hand searches my chest, wrapping around my neck. I pull away. “Or else.”

He raises his brow, his blue eyes filling with laughter and want. “I’ll make sure to tell Gabriel, then,” he smirks, adding a damn sexy lip bite. I roll my eyes and give him another kiss. Deeper, more important. His fingers splay through my hair, gently pulling. I moan into him and he just wants more. I give it to him.

I push him up against the door playfully, and the look in his eyes, the want and the lust, makes my breath scarce. “Is this ok,” I breathe, pulling away for a moment, wanting to make sure he’s comfortable with this.

He just nods his head, leaning to whisper in my ear, “It’s more than ok, Dean,” and as his lips part to speak my name, desire pools low in my stomach.

“Just tell me if I go too far.” My voice is low and deep, surprising me. He seems to like it as he nibbles my ear.

“Oh, I will,” Castiel’s breath is hot against my neck and our lips meet instantly, and his tongue searches for mine eagerly, pulling me into him.

 

In need of air, Dean pulls away. I look to the back seat. He gets it, but as he climbs into the back, I take out my phone, putting on a playlist in my library. Dean looks back, a quick glance of confusion, but he smiles when he likes the beat of the first song, Supermassive Black Hole.

I climb into the back seat with him. The music plays throughout the car and I pick up where we left off.

I meet his lips, my fingers slipping underneath his shirt, gently dragging my nails against his skin. It seems he likes that because his tongue searches my mouth more desperately, his fingers lifting my shirt to run his hands over my chest. He pulls my shirt off and I tug on his, toppling the half naked gorgeous man. I smooth my hands over his defined chest and stomach, my fingers tracing his muscles. His eyes go wide as I nibble his neck, working my way up to his mouth.

I push him against the door, straddling him. He pulls me into him, his rough hands playing up my sides, circling my waist, and resting on the small of my back. His skin is slightly darker than mine, incredibly perfect skin. My hands stay on his chest and shoulders as I bite his lower lip. He moans and I love it. I drag my teeth against his jaw line, biting his ear, and sucking dark kisses down his neck. He throws his head back and hisses as I run my teeth along his hard nipple. His moan sounds over the music, egging me on. I moan against his skin, “Dean,” dragging out his name. He bucks up his hips and in one swift movement, pushes me onto my back, my head almost hitting the door, but I had thrown my trench coat into the back seat and now it serves as a sort of pillow as he presses his hard body into mine.

His hips press into mine, his fingers raking down my sides. God, I love it. His touch is amazing, his kiss so intense, but there’s a hint of something warmer and different than just lust. And that warms my chest, making it all the better. But the alternative rock music definitely eggs him on, his lips trailing down my stomach, leaving bruised kisses along the way. The music is clouded by our heavy breaths and moans.

A car drives by and Dean looks up, watching it speed by through the back window. I suddenly think of Lisa and Dean, when I passed by and saw them kissing. My stomach twists a little, the memory an unhappy one.

When Dean turns his head with that devious grin I absolutely love, it soon fades as he can tell something changed in me. “Cas, what’s wrong? Did I...” he trails off, his hand coming down to cup my cheek. I smiles at the touch and shake my head. He isn’t convinced. “Castiel.” He simply says, and I sigh, sitting up.

“I just thought of when I saw you and Lisa... You looked up and... I’m sorry.” I say pathetically, cursing myself for ruining the mood.

Dean breathes, quickly saying, “Don’t apologize,” and then taking a deep breath, eyes closing tight, he opens to meet my gaze, hands holding my face, thumb brushing my cheek. I almost melt beneath his touch. “I’m so sorry, Cas, I really am.” He kisses my forehead and sits back, turning forward. I sit up, quickly joining him.

 “Dean,” I start, sitting next to him and moving my hand up his chest to his shoulder, giving it a gentle rub before finding his neck and cupping his cheek. His hand meets mine, holding it to his face. His stubble scratches my fingers as he leans into the touch. “We don’t need—“

“It’s ok Cas. I think I need to say this.” He turns to me, crossing his legs, his other hand finding mine in our laps. I give him a small smile, letting him know I’m here and he can tell me anything. “Before Lisa and I started dating, I liked you. I didn’t know what to make of it but I did like you. But I also liked Lisa. I felt terrible when I saw you because I hadn’t planned on it. It just happened. It was nice but it wasn’t what I truly wanted.” He pauses, letting out a staggered breath. “Cas... I pushed away my feelings for you, not knowing what to do with them. I felt so selfish but when you seemed okay with it, I took that as you not being as interested in me as I was in you.” I can barely believe his words. He _did_ have feelings for me. It makes sense now. Lisa came into the picture, and it became a wrong place wrong time sort of thing. Or just a wrong sort of thing.

“I tried to play it off, getting caught up in her to distract me. But I realized it wasn’t right, something wasn’t fitting.” He pauses and bites his lip. “I didn’t share with her what I share with you. It’s completely different, better, and stronger.” He looks down at our hands. “And it just feels right. I dunno Cas, but... I don’t regret being with Lisa because it made me realize how much you really meant to me.” He looks up and his eyes are misty, emotion fogging his earthly greens. “How much you mean to me.” He breathes, shuddering a bit, squeezing my hands tightly. I hadn’t expected him to open up so much to me, but the fact that he feels the same way I do smoothes things out. I feel much better now. It’s not that I had thought he didn’t like me, but these words, I just needed to hear them.

“I was a little afraid you didn’t feel the same way. Dean, seeing you with Lisa... and then that kiss... it hurt. But that doesn’t matter to me anymore. The only thing I really care about is you. I only care about now. That was then, admittedly it wasn’t easy and it confused me a lot—sorry, I don’t mean to... I just...” I fidget with our hands, looking down. “I just feel so... good with you. So safe and secure.” I realize I’m babbling and silently kick myself. I look up, words on my lips but when I see the look in Dean’s eyes, the kindness, the understanding, the guilt, and the love, I choke on whatever I was going to say and he leans in with a soft kiss.

The music is soft, a quiet song playing, “505” by the Arctic Monkeys, and I had blocked out the sound as we talked. I didn’t hear it until now.

“Do you want me to...?” I gesture to the phone and the music coming out of it.

Dean shakes his head, taking me in his arms and kissing me slowly. A few _tap tap taps_ on the car roof and the sky opens up, rain droplets trailing down the window. We both smile. I knew it was going to rain. It’s my favourite weather. And it’s just Dean and me, the open road, and the rain.

I forget about the pain and focus on his amazing touch, his sweet lips, and his warm skin. I need him to make things better; I need him to comfort me. I need him.

I slowly test the waters, pulling him back with me, his chest meeting mine, his lips gentle and sweet. His hands slide down my side, gingerly resting on my hip. With one hand he props himself above me, my head falling next to it. Slowly the passion builds, our bodies rocking together slowly, meeting each other and falling away.

The gentle press of his hips makes me let out a low moan, my tongue tangling with his. “I Can’t Quit You Baby” comes over the speakers and I can feel him smile against my lips. His body presses against mine, his lips travel against my skin. My fingers wrap around his neck, finding his short hair. I gently pull on it, making him travel lower, a moan escaping my mouth.

The hand on my hip slips to my back, falling down to my ass. “Mmmh,” I moan quietly. Dean takes the hint and grabs my ass and I buck up into him. My jeans feel incredibly tight and I can tell his are too. I slip my leg between his and he starts to grind against it just as I do.

A series of moans fill the air and I lose myself, grinding against Dean, clawing his back, wanting him closer, the friction against my hard on feeling amazing, him against it feeling so fucking good. One last grind and I’m over the edge, releasing in my jeans shamelessly. I bite my lip, my eyes closing tight and Dean seems to find himself in the same situation, letting out a deep groan with my name, “Cas.”

He falls on top of me, his body fitting mine perfectly. We just lay there for a few minutes, his hand on my chest, his head next to mine. I wrap my arms around him, giving him a slow kiss.

We lay like that for what seems like hours. I love it. The pure bliss accompanied by Dean Winchester, and I can barely stay awake through it all.

We drive back, sneaking in through my patio door around four am, my trench coat the only cover from the now pouring rain. Gabriel’s friends are leaving and I can hear him cleaning up. I pull out some pj’s, running to the bathroom to clean myself up. Dean does after me and then we sit on the bed in clean boxers, curling up under the covers.

I’m almost asleep when Dean whispers ever so softy, “Cas?”

“Yeah, Dean?” I manage groggily.

“Happy new year,” he whispers, kissing my ear before falling asleep.

“Happy new year,” I sigh, melting in his arms as we fall asleep to the pitter patter of rain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ["505"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iV5VKdcQOJE) by The Arctic Monkeys
> 
> Songs also mentioned:  
> ["Timber"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hHUbLv4ThOo&feature=kp) by Ke$ha and Pitbull  
> ["Supermassive Black Hole"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bBb-J0hcBQA) by Muse  
> ["I Can't Quit You Baby"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ObenjIVSn88%22%22) by Led Zeppelin
> 
> Two playlists that helped with this:  
> [Scream](http://8tracks.com/rileyjo/scream)  
> [All Night Long](http://8tracks.com/silverwings/all-night-long)


	19. Kashmir

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You’re crazy,” he shudders, arms covering his very nice stomach and chest. I smile, my eyes grazing over his figure. The stars and moonlight outline his face, his eyes brighter than ever. The water glistens off his body, shimmering beneath the light. I let out a staggered breath, half from the cold, half from the sight of Castiel dripping wet. Heat pools low in my stomach as I inch closer to him.

School starts up again, classes are still just as boring, the people are still just as snobby, and the cafeteria food is still just as shitty. Nothing really changes, except for my feelings for Castiel.

They started off simple enough, but now, as I look at the photo strip from New Year’s Eve, the feeling is stronger, _way_ stranger. When I see him, my heart warms, not just fluttering or anything. His smile literately brightens my day. It’s starting to scare me a little bit. I’ve never been good with these things, with _feelings_ , but I want to make this work. I see myself with Castiel years from now, which is a very scary thought. We’re in high school, that thought should be nowhere near _me_ of all people. I don’t want to settle down. I want to live on the open road, not tied down to anyone or anything. The exception being Sam of course.

Not to mention my dad still isn’t home. He was supposed to be home two weeks ago. I had gotten a text saying it’d be longer than expected and not to worry, but that didn’t help. He had said he’d be home before February. A whole month? How could he do that to us? I’m getting real tired of his shit. He didn’t even call, he left one stupid text. I can’t believe it. My stomach starts to spin at the thought of him gone for so long, of him not talking to me, of him getting hurt.

Castiel walks up to me during lunch as I sit at the table contemplating these things. The fear and pain of it all quickly goes away as he sits down next to me, leaning in for a quick kiss. Everything is better. Everything is better with him there.

“Where is everyone?” He asks, looking around the empty lunch table.

“They’re inside today. Eating in Crowley’s room. It’s too cold for them or something.” I say, taking a bite of my sandwich. “I hope it rains today.” I mumble as I swallow, giving Castiel a small knowing smile.

He returns it, a blush creeping up his neck. I put an arm around his waist and pull him in close. He eyes my lips and my stomach flitters. Ugh, feelings are so weird. His lips meet mine, and I suddenly hope I don’t have food in my teeth.

“Hey, loverboy,” a voice sounds from across the table. I pull away to meet Charlie’s gaze as she sits down with Dorothy.

“Hey, Dumbledork,” I smirk and get a laugh out of Cas. “Dorothy,” I nod to her friend. Or whatever they were.

“Hi Charlie,” Castiel offers.

“Go ahead and continue whatever you two were doing. We don’t mind.” Charlie smiles, resting her chin on her hands, looking at us intently.

“God, you’re kind of like the little sister I never wanted.” I grin and she just laughs with Dorothy.

“You’re right. You’re obviously a better big sister than me.” Charlie winks and I roll my eyes, feeling some heat in my cheeks. “So, guess what we did Saturday? We watched Oz and Wicked. It was, well, wicked.” Charlie smiles, her hand brushing Dorothy’s as she reaches for her lunchbox. They both blush. I almost let out an ‘aww’ and for a second I think I do, but it’s Castiel who made the accidental noise. He quickly busies himself by going through his backpack, searching intently for something.

I feel a drop on my head as I part my lips to speak. Another drop. I look up at the gray sky, squinting my eyes as more droplets fall down. I look to Castiel as he pulls out his tan trench coat from his bag with a big smile on his face.

“Do you always carry protection?” Charlie quips. He blushes, his cheeks turning a bright shade of red. He bites his lip, his eyes avoiding me. I pull him closer, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek.

“At least he’s prepared.” I find myself saying. I quickly blush and we all get up, hurrying into the safety of the halls. Once under shelter we part ways, the two of them heading to the crowded cafeteria and Castiel slipping on the large trench coat which engulfs his body. I smile at him, my hands grabbing his and I lead him to the music room.

We head to the back practice rooms, at least twenty minutes left of lunch. I find the empty one in the back, slinking down onto the carpet. Castiel shuts the door and turns around to look at me. His eyes meet mine, his brows rise just a little bit, and his head slightly tilts to the side as if confused as to what’s going on. The tan coat falls off of one shoulder, a little dark near the top from the rain. He looks so small beneath the large expanse of clothing. Strands of his hair stick to his forehead, making him look like a little puppy left out in the rain. I pull on his small hand, bringing him down to me.

I pull him close, a kiss on his lips. He pulls away with a smile, snuggling into me. He lays on his side, his head resting on my legs. “I love the rain,” he whispers against my jeans. I let my fingers brush through his hair, moving it out of his eyes. He blinks up at me, his pupils large, but they’re drowned out by the deep blue surrounding them. They fill with warmth and so does my chest. I lean down, giving him a kiss on his forehead and then lean back against the wall.

A word forms on my lips but I bite them to keep from saying anything. Too soon. My heart flutters as Cas gives my inner thigh a chaste kiss. There’s the word again.

 _No,_ I tell myself.

But my lips start to move, and I do all I can from saying those three words. “Cas, I—“ _Stop_ , I curse myself.

Castiel looks up at me, waiting for what I have to say. Those eyes, those fucking eyes. That face of an angel. Thos long fingers, the amazing hands he uses to sign. Dammit.

“I—what are you doing Friday?” My voice cracks and I’m so glad I didn’t say the other _thing_.

He thinks for a minute. His lips curl up. “Well I was hoping to spend it with you.” I can’t help but smile. He automatically thinks of spending his Friday with me, out of all the things he could be doing, all the better ways to spend his time, and he wants to be with me. “Are you ok Dean?” I’m pulled from my thoughts.

“Yah, no. I’d like that.” I smile down at him, trying to choke back any emotion.

We sit like that until lunch ends, quietly snuggling while the rain pounds against the window. With the boy I— _really_ like—in my arms.

Friday rolls around and Castiel and I meet up at his house. I sit with Gabe watching Doctor Sexy while Castiel gets ready.

“Third date, eh? Bringing out the big guns? You know what the third date entails, dontcha?” Gabriel waggles his eyebrows at me. My stomach gets queasy. Had it really only been three dates? We’d been together since the 20th of December, that bonfire, and our first kiss. It was almost a whole month. It felt so much longer than that.

“Uh...” I trail off, thinking I understand what Gabe’s saying, but still not following.

His eyes widen, brows at his hairline. “No wonder you’re still a virgin,” he teases and Castiel comes out of his room, looking handsome as always, clad in jeans and a tee shirt. He carries his large trench coat over one arm, just in case. I just love that look on him. Hell, I love anything on him. Or off, for that matter. A small blush heats my cheeks as I dismiss the thought, Gabriel’s words ringing in my ears, only registering them once I guide Castiel to the car.

We drive down the coast, stop at a deli, get some sandwiches, and head to the special spot. Most of the ride I think on Gabriel’s words.

Was he suggesting that Castiel and I were going to have sex? It hadn’t even been a month, for Christ’s sake. And what kind of brother wants his little brother to—well, ok, maybe I‘d be glad if Sam were to lose it. I’d force the details out of him because it’d make him grimace and growl and pout and laugh. Maybe that’s what big brothers were for. Maybe we were here just for our little brothers, just to make their life hell. Or heaven, depending on how you look at it.

Whatever he meant, I won’t let it get to me. There’s no pressure. It’s Cas. My Cas. My blue eyed little angel.

Once parked near the fence, Castiel perks up, having been quiet for the better half of the ride out here. I meet his gaze. “Are we sleeping on the beach, Dean Winchester?” My name just rolls off his tongue, hanging in the air, his breath doing wild things to me.

“Well, when you put it like that,” I smirk, looking at the two sleeping bags rolled up in the back, some blankets and towels along with some clothes set aside. “I dunno. Guess we’ll see.” I wink, and he helps me carry down the picnic blankets and the small ice chest containing our sandwiches and beer. We leave the sleeping bags for when we decide if we’re sleeping here, in the car, or wherever.

I set out a picnic blanket, Castiel sits the ice chest down and I pull him close, bringing him in for a kiss. He seems surprised and his cheeks turn pink. God, he’s so adorable.

“Hey,” he breathes.

“Hey,” I smile down at him, his eyes matching the colour of the waves, the sun shining off the blues and whites. I give him another kiss before pulling him down to sit with me.

I’m not hungry at the moment, and Castiel doesn’t seem to be either, so I turn to him, legs crossed and sign.

“You should teach me...” I think of how to sign ‘more’. “More?” No, that was much. It’ll work. “Sign language.” Castiel bites his lip and smiles, stopping my hands and signing the sentence I meant to sign.

He signs the sentence in ASL order. “Sign language, learn more, you want?” His brows stay raised as it’s a yes or no question. I still don’t understand the difference the eyebrows make between a _what_ question and a _yes or no_ question. Apparently the difference is important.

I nod along with my fist, a gesture of “Yes.” But I add with my voice, “Yes master sensei.” And he laughs as I make a gesture of prayer and bow my head.

“What do you want to learn?” He signs, and it takes me a second to think in topic/comment format, the order of signs for ASL.

I gesture out before me, pointing to the beach, the waves, the rocks, and he teaches me the signs for all of them. I suddenly think of Pocahontas teaching John the words for everything. I blush. I’m thinking of a damn Disney movie, equating Castiel to the beautiful Indian girl. Well with those eyes, he’d put Native American’s turquoise jewellery to shame. He’s gorgeous. Dare I admit it, it’s true. And I hope he knows just how beautiful he is to me.

As his brows furrow, his eyes follow, full of beauty and wonder and I find myself lost in them. He quirks one eyebrow and I shake out of it. “What?”

“Sorry,” I sign. “Your eyes? They’re beautiful.” His lips part as his eyes follow my hand over my face, finishing the sign for ‘beautiful’. His eyes meet mine and fill with kindness and caring and joy and _love_.

“But yours,” he starts. “Oh, I love waking up to them.” His hands leave his chest from ‘love’ and one hand cups my cheek gingerly. His thumb brushes over my cheek, so tender and soft and amazing. I lean down for a kiss, my heart warming as I meet his lips. The kiss becomes long and languid, communicating something neither words nor hands can. Something more profound. And I absolutely relish in it, refusing to break away from the amazing man in my arms.

When we do, I pull him close, his head against my chest, both of us facing the ocean. The waves roll slowly, calmly crashing on the dark sand. The sky above is turning pink, the pink that looks so good on Castiel’s cheeks. The sun is setting and I feel so serene next to him. So at peace. I would never admit it, but I like watching the scene unfold before my eyes with the warmth of Castiel next to me.

My stomach betrays the moment and growls loudly, starting a symphony of groans and hungry creaks, like a door opening slowly. I hate my appetite at the moment. Castiel just cracks up, laughing his deep, hearty chuckle. He clutches his stomach as it decides to join in the song of hunger as well.

I reach for the ice chest, pulling out our sandwiches, pulling my keys out that carry my bottle opener. I open the beers I had managed to get my hands on and Castiel touches their necks, a toast to us, his eyes speak silently, before we both take a swig.

The sun disappears as we talk, laughing between bites of food and swigs of beer. We talk about returning to school, about our thoughts on Charlie and Dorothy, on Ash and Jo and how I think Ash is finally going to make a move on Valentine’s Day. “Hopeless romantic,” I comment.

“Are we still talking about Ash?” Castiel grins.

“Shut up,” I snicker. I pull him close, the air getting a little chilly.

“How’s Sam doing?” Castiel asks softly.

“He’s good. He’s staying over at his friend’s house, something about helping him catch up on homework. He’s such a little geek.” I laugh. “He loves that book you got him, by the way. He’s read it front to back at least twice.”

Castiel beams, “Really?”

“Do you know how many mythical facts and fables I’ve heard?” I think of Sam’s toothy grin as he ranted about monsters and spirits.

“I’m honestly not familiar with many of them,” Castiel admits.

I sigh. “Well his favourite seems to be the Wendigo, which is somewhat similar to the Rugaru. But he also seems to be fascinated yet frightened by Shapeshifters. I think he’s afraid one will take his form and hurt his girlfriend. He found some stupid story online about that.” I roll my eyes.

“Ok, I think I understood one word in that sentence.” Castiel rolls his eyes and I start in on the Wendigo.

“A Wendigo is a supernatural outcome of cannibalism. It’s found mainly in old Native American tales. So, basically a man was lost in the woods, cast out by his tribe. He grew so hungry and couldn’t just live off the wild animals and berries. He started getting hungrier... and hungrier... and hungrier!” Castiel frowns, eyes widening slightly. “Soon he found himself snatching up a tribesman. Unable to stop himself, he dug his hands into the still screaming man, ripping his guts out and eating them like a wild animal!” Cas shudders and I bite back a laugh, continuing seriously. “Ever since its first bite, the Wendigo is cursed to never leave the woods, only hungry for human flesh. But they can never get enough, never be satisfied. They lure campers in, usually in forests, mimicking voices and sounds, fooling people into following them. They’re quick and brilliant hunters. They love to eat food fresh, so a Wendigo keeps its treats locked up alive in a dark cave, until its teeth crunch into the human bones, blood seeping everywhere, their life draining through its fingers...” Castiel grimaces, scrunching up his nose. He’s subconsciously shuddering beneath my arm. “The only way to kill one is to burn it alive. The only protection from such vicious creatures are, simply enough, creating protective circles of Anasazi symbols.” I stop, tracing my fingers in the sand, vaguely remembering the symbol Sam had shown me.

“Are the rest as gruesome as the Wendigo?” Castiel asks in a small voice. The sky darkens around us.

“Oh, Cas, a Wendigo is nothing.” I smile darkly. “Then there’s a Rugaru, cannibalistic, feeding on the flesh of humans. This, however, is past down as a gene, through generations. Once they start to feed, there’s no going back, and they quickly change into an inhuman form. They have super strength and speed. They also have to be burned alive, like the Wendigo. Actually, it’s always smart to burn a supernatural creature’s body.” I smile and Castiel shakes his head. “Shapeshifters are simple enough. They take on the form of anyone, very difficult to decipher. It’s said that modern day Shapeshifters have eyes that shine during video playback. They shed their skin to change into a new form, often kidnapping their victims.” I’m having too much fun with this. “Not only do they take on their appearance, but they have access to their victims mind and thoughts, able to impersonate them incredibly well.” Castiel furrows his brow and I wonder how I remember so much of Sam’s rants. Well he really liked this stuff and it had started to rub off. “They have a weakness to silver though, as many supernatural creatures do.” I assure him.

“What’s next?” He almost cringes.

“Oh, Castiel, you know you’re safe with me. I won’t let anything get you.” I wink playfully, but I mean it. I could never let anything happen to him. “Hmm, that’s all Sam has really gone on about.”

“That damn book. Now I’ll have nightmares.” Castiel frowns once more.

“It’s ok, you’ve got me. I’ll protect you from the big old monsters.” I find it adorable how frightened he seems but I also feel bad. “They don’t exist, Cas. Don’t worry. It’s all make-believe, mythical and fable. That’s all. Legends. Not real.”

“Don’t be so sure.” He cracks a small smile, meeting my eyes. “You’ll anger the spirits.”

“Then I’ll have to grab salt and iron. Keeps them at bay.” I wink, leaning down to nuzzle my nose into his hair. He shivers still. “Are you really that afraid, Cas? I didn’t mean to—“

“I’m cold, you idiot.” Castiel laughs and I reach for his trench coat, wrapping it around him. He looks as though he’s drowning in the fabric, unable to breathe. The collar comes up around his ears as he huddles beneath it. “Thank you.” He whispers in my ear and I lean his chin up for a kiss. He smiles into my lips as I kiss him tenderly. I can never get enough of his lips. Of his touch. Of him. Never.

I look out at the darkening ocean, getting an idea. But first, I should put everything back in the car. “Be right back, ok?” I smile, giving Castiel a quick kiss as I pack up the stuff, leaving the blanket and a towel. I carry the stuff to the car, packing it in the trunk. I unroll one of the sleeping bags on the back seat, unzipping it halfway. The other I unzip fully, laying it out on the front seat. I head back down to Castiel. He’s sitting with the blanket wrapped around him, shoes and socks off, toes in the sand.

I come up behind him, kissing his cheek. He smiles at me and I take off my jacket, shuck off my shoes and socks. I slowly start to undress. I slip off my jeans and toss them next to my shoes. I look back at Castiel whose eyes are wide, lips open, jaw dropped. “You comin’ or not?” I smirk, tearing off my shirt. I turn around heading out to the slow rolling waves. I pull down my boxers and step out of them, no doubt feeling Castiel’s intense gaze on my body.

The water is cold, but I don’t mind. Once at stomach level I turn back to find Cas tugging off his jeans and shirt, only in his briefs. “Close your eyes!” He yells at me and I just laugh, diving under a wave. I hear him yelp as he gets into the water. “Dean!” He practically screams behind me. I just keep laughing, the cold surging through my body. “Dean are you crazy?!”

“Well if I am, then so are you. You’re out here with me aren’t you?” I grin, turning towards him. He’s obviously cold but as he bites his lip and steps closer, letting the small waves wash over him, I can feel his warmth.

“You’re crazy,” he shudders, arms covering his very nice stomach and chest. I smile, my eyes grazing over his figure. The stars and moonlight outline his face, his eyes brighter than ever. The water glistens off his body, shimmering beneath the light. I let out a staggered breath, half from the cold, half from the sight of Castiel dripping wet. Heat pools low in my stomach as I inch closer to him. He smiles softly, blue eyes meeting mine, a trace of desire lining them.

I reach out both hands, gripping his biceps, moving my hands over them, over his shoulders, warming him slightly. He leans into the touch. The feel of him creates more heat inside me. The water washes over his hips, low, revealing a deep V. God, he’s got me going crazy by just standing there. He steps closer, closing the small space between us, a thin layer of air and water separate us. His arms wrap around me, his touch sending more shivers up my spine than the water.

He leans into me and I can feel his body so painfully close to mine. I want his warmth, I need that hot skin on mine, I need to feel more of him. But he’s completely naked, as am I, and I don’t know if he wants to take the next step. Literately. “Is this ok?” I whisper softly, one hand reaching up to toy with his hair, the other trailing down his side, slipping around to the small of his back.

His smile grows, blue eyes turning navy even in the moonlight. “Shut up and kiss me.” And there’s no more space between us.

I pull him in, a passionate kiss between us, feeling his soft warm skin on mine. His body meshing perfectly with mine. I can feel his hard muscles tense against mine, not the only hard thing I can feel. His lips crash into mine, wanting them. I lick my way inside his mouth, his heat and touch and _everything_ driving me crazy. He gives a soft moan as I search the inside of his mouth, my tongue eager to taste him. His long fingers curl tight in my hair, making me groan low. I wrap my arms around his waist, pulling him in, our hips meeting, our dicks pressing against each other. I barely even notice the cold water surrounding us because all I can feel is him. Every sense is taken over by Castiel.

He gasps as our bodies meet, lips wild on mine, his body shivering as I roam my fingers over his back. He clutches at me, my lips trailing down his neck. I bite down gently, loving the salty water on his skin, sucking it up, leaving a small reddish bruise as he moans into my ear shamelessly. I smile at that, moving my hips against him. He seems to like it, his body melting under my touch. His nails dig into my shoulders, squeezing hard. It turns me on even more.

“Dean,” he moans. His breath is staggered and his nails dig deeper. “Can we, maybe...” He trails off, and I realize just how cold he really is. He’s not used to the water temperature as I am. I grew up with this cold water, he didn’t.

“Shit,” I mumble, apologizing. “I didn’t—“

“Dean, shut up.” He grins, giving me another deep kiss before we leave the cold water, the frigid air hitting us hard. I run over, grabbing my stuff, tossing the clean trench coat to Castiel without looking, not sure what ground we stood on. He tugs it on and I wrap a clean towel around me, picking up our clothes and usher Cas to the car, fitting our way through the fence.

We get in and I start the car, turning the heater on full blast. I toss our clothes and shoes in the passenger seat and Castiel sits in his trench coat next to them. We brush off our feet, not wanting to get too much sand in my baby. Castiel moves, deciding to sit in the back seat instead of the front. I hide my smile and join him in the back. I turn to him, rubbing my hands over his arms, feeling the fabric beneath them. He shivers and I pull him in, abandoning the towel wrapped around me. To my surprise, he slinks out of the trench coat and curls up next to me, using it as a blanket over us, curling his feet over my legs, sitting sideways on my lap, legs resting on my bare thighs. His arm slinks around my neck as he leans into me, his skin hot and sticky. I pull him close, smothering him with kisses, running my hands and fingers over his arms and body, warming him up. After a few minutes of warming up, Castiel turns the car off, choosing instead to warm us up with body heat. I pull the trench coat back over us once he returns to me, not admitting to staring at his ass when he bent over the seat to turn the keys. I blush nonetheless. I give him another kiss.

“You’re crazy,” he breathes once more, smirking, his breath hot on my ear, his voice deep and full of gravel. I hold back any sound before it can escape my mouth. Despite the cold, he’s got me really worked up. He chuckles softly before his lips attack mine. His tongue traces my lower lip, his hands grab at me. He starts to fall back on the half open sleeping bag, pulling me on top of him. The trench coat falls off as I lean over him. His legs dip under the sleeping bag, his arms pull me down to him. I slip underneath it with him. He smiles before returning to my lips with a deep, rough kiss.

I move my hips against his, his dick hard like mine, the friction of his against the tender skin almost pushes me over. I kiss him with more desire, more want. His nails dig into my back, trailing down slowly, and his body heat drives me wild. His legs are wrapped around me, a moan escapes my throat.

I rub against him, out chests meeting, our necklaces almost tangling. I finger his hair, the other hand grabbing at his hip. My lips leave his, following his jaw line, biting his ear, nibbling his neck, running my tongue along his collarbone. I need so much more of him as his cock presses against me and we both let out a moan. His legs unwrap, inviting me. I trail bruising kiss down his torso, loving his taste, the salt water lingering on his delicious skin. I lick at his navel, my body dragging lower.

I trace a hand over his chest as my lips continue lower. He encourages me by groaning my name, breathing it out uncontrollably, “Dean... _shit_ , Dean...” and a slew of curses follow. I moan against his hip bones, my tongue tracing the deep V, hungry for more. I look up at him with hooded eyes, his usually bright blues are deep and filled with lust and want and desire and _damn_ it’s sexy as fuck.

“Dammit, Cas,” I barely breathe, my chest rubbing against his hard cock. With one hand I rub his pec, fingers finding his swollen nipple.

He moans more, “Holy _fuck_ Dean.”

His eyes watch me as I look down at his dick. I absently lick my lips and Castiel whimpers softly. His cock is bigger than I had thought. Feeling it was different than seeing it whipped out in front of me, taunting me. _Damn_ I think and my hand comes down, thumb swiping over his wet slit. He groans low and deep. I bite my lip, seeing what other sounds I can get him to make.

I slowly bring my hand down his length, watching as he impatiently tries to buck up his hips, but with my other hand I hold him down. I’m stronger than him and he seems to like it. A lot. I stroke him slowly, up and down, his cock throbbing in my hand. His eyes watch me intently, his pre come making me incredibly curious. I can’t help but lick his swollen head, the taste surprisingly sweet. This is my first time ever doing something like this. But I’m not as nervous as I thought I’d be, it’s Cas and I love making him moan my name.

“Mmm, Dean, yes, fuck, _Dean_ ,” he rambles as I lick his entirety. His hand grips my hair tight, the other making a fist to hold back from having his way with me. I grin at the strands of curses and moans I get from slowly lowering my mouth onto his dick, sucking on him and swirling my tongue. I dip down a few more times, his hand pulling my hair as he gently guides me. “Fucking _shit_ , Dean. God, you’re amazing. Holy _fuck_ , don’t stop, don’t stop, yesssss.” He hisses as I take him in deeper, loving the feel of his dick against my throat, loving how vocal he is. I moan against his cock and that solicits a whole new strand of curses and encouragements. I look up innocently, his head thrown back, lip between his teeth.

I move my head down farther, quickening my pace, his hand pushing me down, setting the pace.

“Fuck, Dean,” he pants. “Gonna, _fuck_ , gonna, ahh... agh... Dean!” He growls as he releases, hot and slick down my throat. I got his warning, slowly working him through his climax, his hand loosening its grip in my hair. I swallow him down, tasting him a little bitter but delicious all the same because it’s _Cas_. He pulls me up, a deep kiss before his hand finds my dick. “Your turn Dean,” he rasps, voice so low it basically sends me over. His hand pumps me and I’m almost there, almost there, almost there. “Dean.” He breathes and holy fucking _fuck_ I can’t hold back anymore at his encouragement.

“Ah, _fuck_ Cas!” I almost yell, his thumb swiping over my glistening slit. I come, a deep moan of his name leaves my lips, “ _Cas.”_ His hand works me as I feel waves of pleasure rip through my body. White spurts onto both of our stomachs. I fall onto him, breathing heavy and irregular. His arms wrap around me.

I bask in the pure bliss he leaves me with, feeling Cas beneath my body. I’ve never felt like this, I’ve never felt this good with anyone before. I’ve had my fair share of hand jobs, but that, _that_ combined with sucking off Cas, that was amazing. I can barely keep my head straight, almost dozing off in the sheer bliss of my orgasm.

After a few minutes I look up at the smiling man, his eyes soft and gentle. I meet his lips before reaching my hand out for something to clean ourselves with. I grab the towel I had abandoned earlier and clean ourselves off. Instead of pulling our boxers on as I reach for, Castiel tugs me back to him, both of us fitting on our sides, facing the other. He climbs on top of me, pulling the sleeping bag over us and resting the better half of his body draped over me. He kisses my neck, my cheek and I turn my head to meet his lips.

He whispers a soft, “Night,” which I return with my own hoarse response.

“Night, Cas.” And he’s asleep before I can close my eyes and join him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ["Kashmir"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nQH3LtNePgI%22%22) by Led Zeppelin


	20. Not Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe I can lose myself in him. Maybe it won’t be so bad. Maybe he’ll be there to catch me if I jump.
> 
> But I won’t know until I try.

February is right around the corner and Dean and I have never been better. He makes me feel so good, so happy, and so safe.

After our little dip in the ocean, Dean started talking about surfing. He’d always been interested but had never pursued it before. Dean’s buddy Adam let him borrow his board and suit for the day. He’s out in the water right now, wetsuit tugging his fit form. He bobs up on a wave, his surfboard holding him above the water.

The sun is surprisingly out, which is weird because it’s usually covered in fog. Dean and I have been together exactly one month today, and while its small, he wanted to spend the day together.

We had skipped school and stayed in bed, watching movies and intensely making out. Which led to me using my mouth for more than just kissing him. Damn it was a great way to start off the day. Fucking amazing. And the cuddling afterward was so surreal. Being in Dean’s arms just does something to me. Makes my heart speed up, slow down, skip, hop, jump, do things a heart shouldn’t do. And then there’s the words always on the tip of my tongue, those three words that I know will scare him off. As much as a softie Dean actually was, he wasn’t so soft for love.

He jogs up, trailing the bored next to him, dripping water over me as he leans down for a kiss. “I’m gonna go put my wetsuit in the car.” He smiles as he pulls away. “Wanna help me get out of this?” There’s a grin on his lips, a devious little grin.

I help him out of the wetsuit, the second skin peeling off his body smoothly. Instead of putting it in the car, he props it on his board which he has placed in the sand. He sinks down onto the towel, bringing me in, getting me all wet. “Dean!” I yelp, but start into a fit of laughter with him.

I don’t mind it. His lips meet mine and he pulls away, running his fingers through my hair.

“Homo’s,” a scoff is heard to my right. A couple of surfers are passing by, early to mid twenties. I let it slide. But Dean, he’s in a good mood and decides to reply.

“Hetero’s,” he returns the scoff. I bite my lip, hoping they’ll just keep walking. One of them laughs, finding it amusing which is a good reaction and he just keeps on walking, not caring for any drama. When his two friends stop he speaks up.

“Relax ‘Zazel. Let ‘em be. Come on, we have to go finish the thing.” I thank the man silently. “Azazel,” he says more sternly. This Azazel is shooting daggers at Dean who has his playful smirk on. “You insulted him, he returned it, all’s well that ends well, let’s go man.”

“Shut up Balthazar. This doesn’t include you.”

“I was stupid enough to tag along with you, so yah, I think it does.” Balthazar retorts, a soft English accent lacing his words.

“It’s just ‘cause you’ve been begging to go surfing with me man. I don’t give a shit. Go home. See if I care.”

“Relax man. You know I’m gay. Why you harping on them?”

Azazel’s eyes light up. “Since when are you an abomination?” I hate that word and the man doesn’t deserve it. “It makes sense now.” He adds with a laugh, thinking he was trying to get with him. As far as I could tell, he was not attracted to this asshole in anyway whatsoever. His body language gave that away.

Dean isn’t happy at the insult and stands up. “Leave him alone. Can’t we just continue our day without a fight? Please?”

Balthazar nods at Dean. “Yeah, come on man. Let it go.”

Aazazel laughs, the other boy staying quiet through it all. “You’re one to talk, fag. I knew you were weird, but I had no idea you were a cocksucker!” The other boy nervously laughs, seeming not to like the tension. It looks like Azazel is the one in charge here. I cringe at his words.

“Cocksucker? Really man? Your girl’s a cock sucker—unless you don’t get any action which, judging by your looks and personality combined, you don’t—so what’s the big deal if he is?” Dean tries to reason, no threat or offense in his voice. Balthazar just laughs in agreement.

The quiet boy speaks up. “Let’s just go. They aren’t worth your time.” That seems to talk enough sense into Azazel who just storms off, surfboard smacking Balthazar right in the nuts. He folds over and the two continue on, leaving him behind.

“Ugh,” Balthazar groans. “Those dicks.” He clutches his stomach and I wince at the sight.

Dean and I walk over to him, Dean holding his board and I help him up. “What’s his problem?” I ask, meeting the man’s gaze.

“He’s just a bloody buffoon. I should have known better. He promised me good surf and I thought that sounded grand, but I didn’t know what a homophobic bastard he was.” Balthazar slurs as he regains himself. “I’m sorry about that.”

“No, man, thank you for sticking your neck out like that.” Dean offers.

“If anything, thank you. I’m glad someone finally put the bastard in his place.” Balthazar’s lips curl into a smirk.

“Dean,” he offers his hand out. The man takes it.

“Balthazar,” he replies.

“I’, Castiel,” I offer shaking his hand. His eyes light up.

“Castiel?” He says surprised. “Gabriel’s Castiel...?”

“You know Gabriel?” I ask surprised.

The man blushes. “I uh... Yah, I know Gabriel.” He says with a chuckle.

“Oh, well nice to meet you then.” I smile. If Gabriel knew him well enough then he was an alright guy in my book. And he seemed to know Gabriel on a pretty decent level.

“Uh, likewise. Listen, I best be going, but uh, thank you both for that. Tell your brother I send my best.” And he grabs his board and heads up the stairs.

Dean eyes me. “Gabriel and him did the frick-frack?”

I laugh. “I don’t know what Gabriel does with his spare time, but I wouldn’t put it past him.” I pause, sitting back down with Dean. “Sorry about all that. Nice remarks though. Had you kept your trap shut, none of that would have happened.” I chide him lightly.

He rolls his eyes. “Something had to be said.” Dean reasons, giving me a kiss, unashamed and open about it. “I don’t care what people say about me, but when it involves you, they’re gonna get it.” I smile at his words. “Anyways, he’ll probably get eaten by a Rugaru.” Dean grins and I laugh at the dark joke.

We lay in the sun for a bit, talking, relaxing, enjoying the beach. After we fit the surf board in my car, Dean simply refusing to cause any damage to his baby, we drive back to my place, hose off the wetsuit and board and set them out on the big lawn.

“What’s next on the agenda?” I ask, pulling Dean in for a quick kiss.

“It’s 1 o’clock. Have anything particular in mind?”

A smile forms on my lips. “Let’s go to the wharf.”

“I like the way you think.” Dean grins and we get into the impala.

When we park, I drag him to the candy shop, buying both of us ice creams. I soon become intoxicated by the smell of sugar and we watch the taffy pulling machine instead.

“What is so fascinating to you about this thing?” Dean smiles behind me, licking his ice cream with a slurp. My stomach starts to heat. _Dammit_ , and all I can think of is the night we went skinny dipping. He sees my blush. “Oh.” He smirks. “You like that?” He makes another loud sound as I turn to watch him drag his tongue over the ice cream. _Bastard_.

“Dean,” I breathe, a warning in my voice. A very distinct want in it as well. “Can we just try and have a nice time at the wharf?” I find myself almost begging him to stop turning me on but also to continue what he’s doing.

“I’ll show you a nice time,” his smirk does things to me that I can’t rationalize. His voice sends a shudder down my spine. He tugs on my hand and I abandon what’s left of my ice cream cone. He continues teasing me while he finishes his, acting so innocent and sweet while I’m stuck with a growing need in my groin.

We sit on a bench on top of the roof of the restaurant at the end of the wharf. There’s binocular things that take quarters and dimes and there’s no one around. He takes off his jacket, casually laying it over our laps. His hand rests beneath it on my thigh. I blush red. “We’re in public.” I remind him. That fucking grin, those fucking lips tipping up into a devious, yet somehow completely innocent, smirk. His eyes fake naivety, and it’s hot as fuck. He knows what he’s doing and he acts like there’s nothing wrong with it.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Cas.” Dean offers, completely nonchalant. He knows exactly what I’m talking about as his fingers trail the insides on my thigh, avoiding my bulge, touching everywhere _but_ there. I bite my lip as he looks up at my flushed cheeks amused and slightly confused. “What’s wrong Castiel? You’re turning bright red.” He punctuates the lest word with his hand squeezing my bulge through the tight fabric. I swallow a moan.

“Somebody could come at any second,” I warn him, my voice faltering as I let out a shaky breath. His hand undoes my button and slips beneath my boxers, grabbing a hold of my hardening dick.

He licks his lower lip, the tip of his tongue teasing me. “Then I’ll make sure you come first,” he adds with his play on words. The possibility of someone catching us not only frightens me, but intrigues me, making this incredibly hot. His hand starts to pump me and I can barely hold back my small whimpers. “Shh.” He whispers, breath hot on my ear. His lips meet mine and his grip tightens. _Holy fuck_. His thumb slides over the head of my dick and I inhale sharply. His grin just fucking grows, and he loves how I can’t keep it together.

Then a woman turns the corner, sitting on another bench, not really paying much attention to us. I eye Dean but he doesn’t stop. My eyes widen but he refuses to stop. The heat in my stomach grows, threatening to boil over. Dean starts talking like nothing’s going on.

“So, I think Ash finally decided to ask Jo out.” I can’t believe he’s doing this now. “I mean she’s obviously into him and he finally got the balls to ask her. I think he’ll ask her to the winter ball. Stupid if you ask me, to have the winter ball in January, after winter. I mean the sun’s out and it’s gorgeous.” He continues on, his hand emphasizing his words and I grab at the bench, clenching my hands around the edge. I can’t take it anymore.

But then the woman walks up. In her hand is a map and she smiles down at Dean. “Do you know where I can find the, eh, how do you say,” she has a soft French accent and she continues, “Lou? Eh, washroom?”

“Bathroom?” Dean offers. She nods. I can’t believe this is happening right now and Dean is showing my cock no mercy. I bite my lip hard. He points her to the direction and she thanks him before she disappears.

The whole thing gets to me, how she didn’t notice, how innocent Dean’s acting, how amazing he feels around my throbbing cock and I can only warn him with a broken, “Dean,” before I come in my pants. He reaches into his pocket with his free hand, working me through the waves of pleasure, and reveals napkins he had picked up when we got ice cream. He cleans me off and wipes his hand, zipping up my pants with a satisfied smile. I didn’t get any on his jacket and he looks over it before wrapping it back around him and letting his arm rest on my shoulders. He leans in for a tender yet chaste kiss.

I lean into him, feeling the bit of bliss left. “You like that?” He whispers into my hair, kissing my head.

I can’t form words so I simply nod, a staggered breath leaving my lips. Dean gives a soft chuckle at my inability to speak.

Ten minutes later, I ask, “Where to next?”

We go back to my place, Gabe off somewhere. We curl up on my bed watching Star Wars. I’m really rather exhausted from our escapades and adventures today so I cuddle into Dean, his hand softly brushing through my hair. It amazes me how he can be so sexy and hot and then turn around and be so gentle and kind and... And _loving_.

I had thought I loved Meg. I had thought it was love. But whatever that was, it was nothing compared to this, compared to what I feel for Dean. And while that thought scares me, the fact that I can experience this new feeling with him of all people makes my heart all warm and gushy.

I reach up to kiss him softly, a gentle but passionate kiss. His lips smile into mine before I find myself drifting off to sleep.

I wake up in the middle of the night. Dean must have turned off the TV and laid me down to sleep. I’m happy to see him fast asleep next to me, his arm draped over me. His breath is warm on my neck and I look at the clock. It’s 1 am. We had to get up in 5 or six hours. But I’m not tired.

I lay in his arms, wide awake. Being with Dean feels so surreal, so unlike anything I’ve ever felt. It’s like he doesn’t exist. Like this is all a dream I’m bound to wake up from.

I wipe at my eyes, erasing the sleep from them. I carefully pull away from Dean, getting up to go into the kitchen. I sit down at the bar, a glass of water on my lips.

The last time I had let myself trust someone so blindly, opened myself up to someone so fully, gotten so close to someone, it backfired. It tore me apart. I left me feeling shattered and broken. I can’t go through that again, especially not with Dean. Yah, it’s only been a month, but it can take a short amount of time to fall in love with someone. I mean, mom used to tell me when she met dad it was love at first sight. I didn’t know if I believed in love at first sight, but if I could end up in the arms of Dean Winchester, then anything is possible.

If I tell him how I feel, it will only scare him away. And if I keep this up, I’ll only fall harder. I don’t want to lose him and I don’t want to rely so fully on someone. I learned that with Meg.

My lips taste salty and I realise a few tears had fallen down my cheek. A warm hand rubs my back and, fearing it’s Dean, I wipe at my cheeks.

“You okay, Cassie?” Gabriel’s voice is soft and groggy from sleep. He sits down next to me, hand soothing over my shoulder.

“I’m fine,” I lie.

“Are you and Dean okay?”

“We’re fine. Great.” I pause. “Too great actually.” I bite my lip. “Whenever things are going this well... It all gets torn away from me.” I think of mom, the perfect Christmas that seemed to be rolling around until her car spun out of control on the icy road. How dad had suddenly up and left when he seemed so happy with us, so content with his life. When everything was going perfect with Meg and then the truth slapped me in the face.

Am I just so blind to the darker side of things? Am I just so positive and optimistic that I don’t see when things are going to shit? I can’t keep putting myself on the line, risking it all, just to get shot down repeatedly.

“Sometimes if you don’t take the risk, you miss out on something incredible.” Gabriel’s words are quiet, barely a whisper. “Sometimes the possibility of rejection and pain is the only path to something truly amazing.” He was speaking from experience. His college sweetheart, Kali. He had his fair share of break ups, of lessons learned the hard way. He was going to ask her to marry him but he was too afraid. He was too late and she was leaving to go to India, start a new chapter of her life, a chapter that didn’t include him. “Cassie, sometimes you need to just take that leap of faith and trust that the other person will be there to catch you.”

I nod after a few moments, digesting his words. He gives a hint of a smile before he heads back to his room with a glass of water. I stay up for a few more minutes before returning to bed.

I sit on the edge, staring out into the dark. Maybe Gabe was right. Maybe I needed to let myself just take the risk. But I don’t know if I can let myself do that just yet.

Dean stirs behind me, a soft grown escaping his lips. “Cas? You up?” I nod my head. “You okay?” His voice is low and sleepy. I just nod before curling up next to him.

“Sorry I woke you.” I whisper, laying my head on his chest. His arms lazily wrap around me.

“’S okay, Cas.” He kisses my head before yawning. “But if you make me late for school, you gonna get it.” He jokes, making me smile before I can stop myself. Maybe I can lose myself in him. Maybe it won’t be so bad. Maybe he’ll be there to catch me if I jump.

But I won’t know until I try.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Not Now](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HvcOuExmeJg&feature=kp) by Blink-182


	21. Papercut Part I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We stay like that, the unspoken feeling between us, filling the air. I hadn’t been aware of the burden that had suddenly lifted from my chest. It revealed a warm feeling that was usually just reserved for Sam. It was different though. It was a different kind of warmth, one only Castiel could get me to feel. It all felt so right. For the first time, everything seemed to make sense. Everything felt right in the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sort of a filler--was part of a longer chapter but I've decided to split it into a few parts because, well... It's heavy. And I forgot about Dean's birthday! Happy birthday Dean!!  
> Sorry for the slow update, I was on vacation and hadn't finished the originally longer chapter, but I did start a new fic!!! coming soon, when that's finished too ahah!!
> 
> Here's a timstamp for Castiel after Dean drops him off! I just had this scene in my head where Gabe is giving him a ton of shit and castiel's just like OMG GABE LET IT GO so here's [that](http://asimpledotdotdot.tumblr.com/post/91568226008/signs-timestamp)

I take Castiel to the winter ball. I thought it was stupid, be he seemed to like the idea. So now we’re dancing away, hot and sweaty bodies surrounding us. I refused to wear a suit, so I settled for a button down and tie. Castiel went with a nice dress shirt and tie.

God, I just want to rip it off him and kiss him hard, take him to my car and make him feel so good. The way his hips move against mine drives me crazy. He’s grinding on me once the chaperones leave the room. My hands grip his hips that swivel dangerously against my raging hard-on.

Jo and Ash are dancing together, not as explicitly. But Charlie is making out with Dorothy in the corner, so I’m not the only one feeling it tonight.

The thump of the bass fades and a slower song comes on. Cas turns in my arms, hands reaching up my chest and cupping the back of my neck. His eyes are so blue, so incredibly blue. But so dark and full of desire. _Dammit,_ he knows what he’s doing to me. I guess I deserved it for everything I do to him in public. He goes crazy for it though.

A soft guitar comes in, setting the mood. Castiel sways in front of me, lips smiling up at me. My hands rest on the small of his back as he presses closer. This feels amazing. Castiel feels amazing. All my fussing and whining over the stupid dance was worth it for this one dance.

He rests his head against my shoulder, closing his eyes. I bring one hand up, fingers sliding through his hair. A quiet voice joins the guitar, soothing the wild group of bodies. Some people leave, not wanting to slow dance. Others kiss tenderly.

_You're a poem of mystery_

We step around, dancing to the soft song. I close my eyes, imagining just Castiel and me, dancing beneath the moonlight, no one else but us and the dancing stars above.

_You're the prayer inside me_

His lips meet my neck in a tender caress. I kiss his head gently.

_Spoken words like moonlight_

_You're the voice that I like_

He turns his head up slightly, eyes meeting mine, lips looking soft in the dim light. I can’t hide my smile from him. His lips meet mine, gentle. One hand toys with my hair, his lips soothing my nerves. I forget about anyone else. It’s just Castiel and me.

_Faded from the winter_

The voice carries away and the soft guitar continues on. Our lips never leave, the chaste kiss turning passionate and filled with something that words can’t describe. It’s not lust or desire, it’s not anything of the sort. It’s something else entirely, something I never knew could be communicated in a kiss. But the person kissing me is not just any person. It’s Cas, my Cas. It’s my blue eyed angel. A blue eyed angel I’ve started falling for. Hard.

When he pulls away, the song ends, a heavy beat starting up. “Can we go now?” He asks over the music.

“I was afraid you’d never ask.”

We head to the car after saying goodbye. We drive around, a comfortable silence heavy with emotion and happiness. The best kind of silence with the best kind of person. Castiel’s hand finds mine, soothing my trembling fingers. I didn’t even know they were shaking until Castiel’s gentle hands steadied them.

We drove by the beach, parking on the empty curb, moonlight flooding through the windows. Some beachside houses were lit up. It was barley 9 o’clock. I turn off the car and unbuckle my seat belt before pulling Castiel into me. He sighs softly, letting his body mesh into mine. I just hold him. That’s all I want.

I lean against the door and window, spreading my legs open, pulling Castiel between them, He lays his head on my chest and breathes softly.

We look out the passenger window, watching the waves roll onto the shore. We don’t say anything, not for a good thirty minutes. We just hold each other, feeling the other’s breathing. I nestle my nose into his neck.

“Cas,” I breathe softly. He doesn’t move. “Cas, I,” just two more words. Just two more words and it’ll be over. “I—“

“I know Dean,” he turns his head, his lips brushing mine as he murmurs once more, “I know.”

We stay like that, the unspoken feeling between us, filling the air. I hadn’t been aware of the burden that had suddenly lifted from my chest. It revealed a warm feeling that was usually just reserved for Sam. It was different though. It was a different kind of warmth, one only Castiel could get me to feel. It all felt so right. For the first time, everything seemed to make sense. Everything felt right in the world.

We don’t move away until Castiel’s phone chirps, a text from Gabe.

“Can you take me back? Gabriel needs me home.” Castiel smiles weakly.

I drive him back home. “I had a good night Dean.” He smiles as he reaches over for a kiss.

“Let me walk you up.” I smile into his beautiful eyes. I open his door and walk him to his door. When he turns to kiss me goodnight, there’s a certain sadness in his big blue eyes, a certain longing. I can’t place it because it soon disappears as his lips meet mine.

“Thank you for tonight, Dean.” He whispers softly against my skin. My arms are wrapped around him, not wanting to let him go.

But I do after another long kiss before he disappears into his house, a soft ”Goodnight,” falling from my lips.

I return home to a sleepy Sammy that I drag to his room. Still no sign of dad. But that doesn’t seem to bother me right now. I’ve got Sam here, tucking him into bed, and Cas at home tucking himself in. It feels right. And I don’t plan on waiting around for it to all fall to shit.

Within the next week of school, before February finally comes, Castiel seems a little distant. I shake it off as him just needing some space. I mean we had practically said _I love you_ the other night. But I thought that was what he wanted. Maybe it wasn’t. Maybe it was what I thought he had wanted, what I thought I had wanted. I don’t push though, afraid of forcing him farther away from me.

That Friday is my birthday and I’m turning 17, yippee. Okay, so maybe I’m a little happy. Just a little bit.

No surprise in the surprise birthday bash as Castiel asks me to meet him at the corner of 13th. Of course when I get there, my friends are gathered around a roaring bonfire, Castiel smiling up at me with a twinkle in his deep blue eyes. I laugh, feign surprise and pull Cas in for a hug and meaningful kiss. His distance this week was needed, and I can tell it was worth it, for whatever reason he had.

It feels nice to have people here, celebrating me. I had never been big on celebrating my birthday, usually just got together with Sam or something with Jo. But this, this is nice. Ash chugs a beer as Sam arrives with Bobby. Ellen drives Jo and they both come down before the adults leave.

I pull Jo in for a hug, knowing this was her idea. “You little rascal,” I chuckle as I let go.

“Don’t look at me,” she smirks, eying Castiel. “It was his idea. I figured we best leave you high and dry, but he insisted. Really quite adorable actually, him begging me to help throw a party.”

“I did not _beg_ ,:” Cas growls with an eye roll. “I simply asked repeatedly and pointedly.” I give him another kiss. I spy Sam grimace as he talks with Chuck about something. But he gives me a wink all the same.

“Thank you, Cas, it means a lot.” And it does.

I pull away, greeting Charlie and Dorothy and then I find Chuck with some timid little girl named Becky. He always goes for the crazies because damn is she clinging to him like a baby to its mother.

I ruffle Sam’s hair and he growls. “Just because it’s your birthday does not give you permission to harass me, Dean.” And I laugh.

“I will do no hare-assing,” I wink, stressing the first syllable instead of the second. Then I notice his scruffy friend Kevin.

“Happy birthday, man,” He offers. I thank him before returning to the bonfire.

Jo grins as I sit down between her and Cas. “You’re taking me home tonight and we’re having an after party.” She turns to Cas. “Girls night I’m afraid,” and he chuckles loudly.

“But it’s my birthday,” I whine, wanting to have some fun _birthday_ _suit_ time with Cas.

“It’s okay Dean, I have to get back tonight anyway. Gabe needs me because we’re leaving early tomorrow morning to visit Anna.” He offers a small smile. I didn’t know he was visiting his sister.

“Oh, you’re going up to Anna’s?” I repeat, slightly confused.

“Yeah,” he says a little gruffly, trying to shake off the subject. “Just helping her move some things from storage is all.” He holds me hand reassuringly, as if I can’t function without knowing Cas is around. Not true, I think to myself. Although his presence is definitely comforting, what with my dad being gone... and missing my birthday...

I shake my head and plaster on a smile. “That’s kind of you,” and we drop the subject, instead joining in on some games and presents. “You guys got me presents!?” I ask happily, pretending to be modest and surprised, but greedily opening up the wrapping paper.

Chuck gives me a drawing of myself in a nice frame, of the character he had based off of me. I look sick, like really sick. I’ve got a shotgun in my hand and a set steely expression on my face. I look so badass and I thank him greatly.

From Charlie and Dorothy, I get a pack of condoms and a copy of a Disney movie, _Snow White_ , “I don’t get it.” I say flatly, happy for the condoms, although I do blush at them, but confused at the connection to the children’s film.

She gestures to the movie again and I read it carefully. _Snow White and the Seven Dicks_.

“Dude yes! Charlie, you are the best!” I laugh as I show Cas the gift and he rolls his eyes, though he tries to hide a smile at the pack of condoms.

“Thank you,” he mouths voicelessly to Charlie, but I catch it.

Ash gives me some car mags which are _beautiful_ and Kevin gives me a copy of Vonnegut’s _Slaughterhouse Five_. Sometimes Sam’s little nerd friends can be awesome. Sam gives me a copy of _Cat’s Cradle_ as a two part Vonnegut gift with Kevin. I’m in heaven, although I don’t admit it.

Jo gives me a very very meaningful and thought out gift: one free refill at the coffee house. “Cheapskate,” I mumble but I love her all the same.

Castiel whispers in my ear, “You’ll get your gift later.” My eyes widen at his words as I start to imagine what dirty things he has planned. “No, it’s not _I._ ” I let out a soft, disappointed groan. “It’s just something I want to give you between the two of us.” I wonder what he means.

He gives me a quick kiss as we return to the festivities.

The night’s coming to an end and Castiel gives me a deep, long, passionate kiss before leaving. Kevin’s mom picks him and Sam up and I bid them goodnight. Jo tell ash he can’t get too drunk but he’s slurring and she only laughs with an eye roll. Chuck promises they’ll leave soon, safely too. That reassures Jo a bit. Dorothy and Charlie leave and then we follow suit.

I walk Jo to my car and we get in, leaving the dwindling party.

“Does uh, does Cas seem a little off to you?” Jo asks carefully.

“I don’t know. Maybe a bit. Why?”

“I dunno. I just... he seemed so happy last week and now he’s just... distant.” Jo pauses, thinking through her next words carefully. “Did something happen between you two?”

I let out a soft sigh. “I basically told him I loved him, but he cut me off before I could get out the last few words. He just told me he knew that. And we left it at that.” I admit to Jo. Had I made a huge mistake? Had I scared him away? He seemed pretty okay tonight so I don’t see what’s she’s fretting about.

“Hmm,” she mutters as we get out and she ushers me inside. We fall onto the couch in a quiet sort of silence. “Maybe he just needs some space,” she decides.

“I figured that much.” I nod. I just want to get my mind off of it all. It’s my birthday and I’m going to have fun. Am I sad that Castiel had to go so early and hadn’t planned anything after with me? Yeah, but I won’t let it beat me up.

Jo reads my thoughts. “Let’s invite Charlie over for a movie night. Girl’s night in.” She winks at me and I roll my eyes.

Charlie shows up half an hour later, getting a ride from her dad. “Hey girls!” She beams upon entering. “So... take out? Sleep over? Braid each other’s hair?” I laugh. As she plops down next to us, she pulls a DVD out of her bag. “ _Mean Girls_ or Netflix, Dean? Your choice, birthday boy.”

I groan again. “If we watch Netflix, we’re watching _Pulp Fiction_ , got it?”

Jo sighs and Charlie smiles. “Sounds like a plan. But then _Mean Girls_.” And they both laugh.

We get through two and a half hours of Quentin Tarantino, John Travolta, and Samuel L. Jackson. I’m feeling good as the girls throw on _Mean Girls_. I don’t know why or how, but I find myself reciting quotes with them because I’ve seen it so many times with them.

After, we put on _The Shining_ , my man Jack scaring them shitless. “Red Rum,” I whisper into Charlie’s ear. “Red rum, red rum, red rum, red rum...” Then the screen shows the mirror reading _Murder_ and Charlie jumps at my breath on her ear.

“Dammit, Dean! That’s not funny!” She screams.

“Dean’s not here, Mrs. Bradbury.” I say hoarsely as she cringes at my impeccable impersonation.

“That’s not funny! Stop it Dean!” She pushes me into Jo who just laughs wildly, even though she was just as scared as Charlie.

“That’s it, we’re watching _Pretty in Pink_ next.” Jo smiles at my grumbling.

After both girls scream repeatedly, they throw on _Pretty in Pink_. I’ll never admit to them how much I actually love this movie.

It’s soon 3 am and Charlie’s falling asleep. Jo and I both smile deviously. I lean into her ear to whisper, “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.” She stirs a little so I add loudly, “Here’s Johnny!” She bolts upright with a loud yell.

“Dammit Dean!” She yells at me and Jo falls into a fit of laughter. I clutch at my sides, trying to breathe.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I had to.” I say between breaths.

“No you’re not!”

“You’re right.” I laugh more at her words.

When we finally settle down in Jo’s room, I take the floor. After some gossip travelling through school the girls fall quiet, snickering every now and then. I don’t know if I trust them, but I find myself falling asleep all the same.

I wake up slowly, head fuzzy and eyes slowly opening. I turn over to face the bed where I expect the girls to be fast asleep. But they aren’t there. Instead, Jo’s bed is made nicely, topped with a smiling teddy bear. Creepy as fuck.

I slowly sit up, looking towards the door. They’re probably up making breakfast. I wipe my hand over my face, rubbing my eyes. When I look back up I scream.

“Come play with us, Dean.” Both girls whisper, sing-song and eyes wide. They’re both dressed in matching blue dresses. They hold each other’s hands, tilting their heads to look at me in unison. I just about have a heart attack. A small whimper escapes my mouth and I growl at them.

“Not funny.” I find myself repeating the same phrase Charlie had the night before.

“Oh, yes it is.” Says Charlie as she reveals her phone that had been recording me.

“Don’t you fucking dare.” I say, getting up before both girls scurry away through the door, tearing of their dresses over their night clothes. I swear, sometimes, they’re the sisters I never wanted. And in this moment I thank whatever god there is that I have a brother.

The girls had made pancakes to my surprise, laughing as they watched the video of me screaming over and over again. Then Ellen, Jo’s mom, comes through the door, smiling at the sight of us.

“Charlie! Dean! It’s good to see you.” She laughs, wrapping her arms around the both of us.

Charlie brings up her finger, glares into my eyes, and croaks. “Dean’s not here, Mrs. Harvelle.” and Jo bursts into laughter.

Jo finally catches her breath. “Dean scared Charlie last night during The Shining.”

Charlie turns to Ellen, whipping out her phone. “He got a taste of his own medicine though.” They watch the video and I groan, rolling my eyes the incredibly high pitched scream.

“Are you going to show everyone that?” I ask begrudgingly.

“Well, it’s already up on YouTube. A thousand hits within the hour.” I drop my jaw at Charlie’s words.

“You are so going to get it.” I breathe before Ellen leaves with a laugh.

When I return to school, almost everyone mentions the video to me.

“Wow, Winchester,” and “Smooth, man,” come from people I don’t even know. Chuck and Ash even manage to surprise me, giving me a good scare when I pull my books out of my locker.

I sit at the table during lunch halfway through the week, hiding beneath the hood of my jacket I chose to wear today. There’s a week left of school before February break, which follows right after Valentine’s day. _Shit_ , I think. What am I going to do for Valentine’s Day? Maybe take Castiel out to a nice dinner or something. Maybe have a picnic at our special spot. Would he want to?

I had finally ventured to ask him why he seemed so distant. He told me that he just needed some space, needed some time and energy that wasn’t fully focused on me. I guess he didn’t want his life to revolve around us or me. I can understand that. It hurt a little, yah, but I understood. After he had explained it, he seemed a bit better though.

Castiel comes up behind me, kissing my neck. “Hey,” he murmurs into my ear before sitting down next to me. Jo looks up and smiles at him. Chuck and Ash join a few minutes later.

Charlie cracks a joke about the video, making me groan and hide my head in Cas’s arms.

“What video?” Cas asks. Immediately I question him.

“You haven’t seen it?’ I quirk a brow.

“Seen what, Dean?”

“Nothing, there’s absolutely nothing—“

“This,” Charlie cuts me off and presses play on her phone. Castiel’s brows furrow in confusion before he sees me scream like a fucking girl. He stifles a laugh.

“It’s not so bad,” he assures me.

“Over a hundred thousand hits.” Charlie supplies.

“Ok, maybe it’s a little bad, but you probably deserved it.” He chides me and I glare at him.

“I did not.”

“You did too,” Jo and Charlie say in unison.

“Red rum,” I tease them. “Red rum, red rum, red rum!” Charlie makes a face and everyone just laughs.

“I don’t understand that reference,” Castiel tilts his head in confusion.

My eyes go wide with shock. “You’ve never seen The Shining?”

He shakes his head at me. “You know I don’t like horror films.”

“But it’s Kubrick!” Chuck says in disbelief. “It’s based off of Stephen King!”

“I uh, I don’t really do horror.” Castiel says with a small blush. It’s adorable.

“Well I know what we’re doing for Valentine’s.” I half joke, because Cas seriously needs to watch it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ["Papercut"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CrbIrc6VA2k) by The Summer Set
> 
> ["Faded From the Winter"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6tJTevmhtgE&feature=kp) by Iron & Wine


	22. Papercut Part II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But he interlaces his fingers with mine. I know he’s going through a lot. His dad still isn’t back and as much as he denies it, it’s taking a toll on him. I hate seeing him weary and tired, as if he’s had nightmares for days terrorizing any chance of rest. I close my eyes, count to three, and open to see his greens looking over my features. He offers a small smile before returning to the show, but never letting my hand go. It’s that simple act that keeps me together and I didn’t even know I was coming apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sub-tittled:   
> Talk to Me, Dance With Me

I find it funny that Jo and Charlie managed to get such a scare out of Dean. I mean, he must have deserved it. And that high-pitched shrill of a scream, sometimes I wish I could get that noise out of him. Though I’ve gotten noises similar out of him.

I shake my head, trying to concentrate on the Document Based Question essay we have to write for AP World, but it’s not easy, getting hot and bothered with Dean right behind me, watching my every move. He’s finished a probably half-assed essay on the Silk Road. Dean’s good with reading, when it’s interesting, though I doubt he actually read most of the documents. I’m currently reading over a testimony from one of China’s court man or something, speaking to the emperor of the road and the market there.

“Biased,” I scribble, marking the point of view as I put it under _Political_ , after PERSIAN’ing it.

I finish the conclusion, knowing I’m never going to get the highest 9, but probably a passing 3, as everyone usually gets. Maybe I’ll get a 4 like last time. God I hate Crowley’s merciless grading.

I walk with Dean to Sign Language, It’s Wednesday, so we have periods one, three, five, and seven. Once we sit down besides Charlie, we follow the instructions on the board. We have a sub today so we talk when we’re supposed to be signing.

But Dean manages to sign most of his words.

“Are you doing alright?” Dean’s eyes fill with concern... which sadly isn’t foreign.

I’ve been trying to distance myself from Dean the last couple of weeks, just a little after we basically said I love you. That was a huge step and I didn’t know if I was ready to take it. But Dean, he loves fast and hard, both romantically and... A small shiver runs through my body as heat rises in my cheeks. I tell myself to focus.

I love Dean. I do. I feel so connected with him on so many levels but I’m afraid... so fucking afraid of losing him and getting hurt. I can’t do that again.

I know Dean doesn’t trust easily, and it takes a lot for him to open up, but he’s been so open and honest and _real_ with me, I don’t know how to react half the time. Either I give him my all or I hold half of it back. And I really hate doing that, because he’s so special to me.

But I have to. I can’t be so dependent on him. Which I’m not, right?

“Fine,” I gesture, but he’s relentless. “OK,” I fingerspell. Again, he doesn’t believe me. “I’m figuring things out. I just need a little space.” I leave it at that before the sub gets our attention. Dean’s got an ounce of hurt storming his forest greens and it kills me. But it’s for the best, right? Hurting Dean is never for the best. I’m just being selfish and naive and stupid. Gabriel’s right, I need to take that risk with Dean. But I just....

We end up watching _Switched at Birth_ and when the sub isn’t looking, Dean’s hand meets mine, giving it a gentle squeeze. I can feel the bracelet on his wrist that I had gotten him for his birthday, insisted that I give it to him when it was just the two of us. It was a simple leather bracelet, but it hade four hands on it, each a letter signing his name. Anna had helped me find it. I wanted something meaningful and special because that’s what Dean is to me, meaningful and special and so much more. He had loved it, loved it so much we had gotten distracted with each other’s lips... and other parts and it was amazing. Dean’s amazing. So fucking amazing.

But he interlaces his fingers with mine. I know he’s going through a lot. His dad still isn’t back and as much as he denies it, it’s taking a toll on him. I hate seeing him weary and tired, as if he’s had nightmares for days terrorizing any chance of rest. I close my eyes, count to three, and open to see his greens looking over my features. He offers a small smile before returning to the show, but never letting my hand go. It’s that simple act that keeps me together and I didn’t even know I was coming apart.

The day goes by rather quickly, busying myself with homework with Dean and then going home after kissing him goodbye.

I get home and Gabriel’s on the couch, being a vegetable. Okay, that’s not the right word for all the sugar he digests. He’s eating a snickers bar for God’s sake.

“Hey baby bro,” he smirks, pulling me in for a crushing hug as I fall onto the couch beside him.

“Gabe,” I mutter, rolling out of his grip, but I’m happy to see him. My phones rings and I expect to see Dean’s name, but it’s not him. Not him at all.

It’s Meg.

“Excuse me,” I breathe hoarsely, losing my breath and voice and all things needed to function properly as I stumble into my room. I fall onto my bed, trying to distance myself from my phone, from myself, from _Meg_.

A text. Three simple words. Thee incredibly simple words. They light up my screen like a candle during a blackout, like the flashlight in the dark that’s full of mysterious and dangerous creatures. The flashlight that flickers with fear. I read over them repeatedly, heart quickening, fingers numbing, mind reeling, and I want to puke.

 _I miss you_.

She misses me? She fucking _misses_ me? No, I can’t do this, not now, not _ever_ , no. God, Meg, why, why does she have to do this _now_? I’m happy with a wonderful guy who fucking loves me and I fucking love him and now I fucking hate myself and fucking hate her for bringing up these fucking feelings I didn’t know I still fucking had for her.

Goddammit, Meg. Now, after all this time, she texts me. Whats that supposed to mean? _I miss you_. Does she want me back? Does she just miss confiding in me, cuddling with me, talking with me, pushing me around, controlling me? Do _I_ miss that? Holy shit,holy shit, _holy fucking shit_.

Dean drives up after I text him to come over. I need him. God I need him to chase down these feelings to chase away the pain and to forget this to forget everything.

I hear him at the door, talking to Gabe for a minute before knowing on my door.

“Come in,” I busy myself in a book I haven’t read for days. And I’m certainly not reading it now.

“Hey, angel,” he smiles, joking and toying with the pet name playfully. I laugh before he’s shutting the door behind him. Beautiful Dean. Beautiful Dean that cares and loves and will make everything better. I blink away water and he pulls me in for a hug. I pull him into a kiss because I need to taste him, to taste Dean, not the bile of Meg.

Apparently I get too urgent as I pull him to the bed, pushing away my book, needing to wrap myself up in his love, in his body, in his warmth and kindness and affection.

“Hey,” he pulls away hesitantly. “You, uh, you okay, Cas?” I kiss his neck, not wanting to respond. I don’t want to feel anything but Dean right now. Otherwise I’m going to explode.

“I’m great, Dean,” I lie, looking into his eyes with desire and want. He gets it. “I just needed you. _Need_ you.” I correct pulling at him. I’ve never done this, not with anyone, not with _Dean_. God I must seem clingy, crazy, or incredibly horny. But I think it’s a mix of all three.

“Okay, Cas,” he tries to smirk and give me what I want, what I need, but he falters, not believing all the words that come out my mouth. “Are you sure everything’s okay?” His tone is laced with worry though he forced it playful. I nod eagerly before meeting his lips once more.

He tastes so delicious, of something sweet, soda, and something tangy, like citrus. I wonder what Dean was drinking. Something like an energy drink because there’s a slight twist to it, but I want more of it. My tongue searches his in dire need. And for a moment I forget everything, I forget Meg, her text, my fear of rejection and pain and hurt from Dean, my stupidity and naivity and foolishness. I forget it all and only feel Dean. Only taste him.

He fills my senses. I pull him closer, my fingers threading through his sandy hair, my lips nipping his. He’s definitely turned on and I love it, but he’s holding back. He pulls back ever so slightly, eyes searching me. “Dammit, Dean,” I growl frustratingly. “Fucking kiss me already?” It’s more of a beg than a demand, and I scold myself for sounding so desperate. But I am, I am so desperate for him.

“Castiel, what’s wrong?” He pulls his lips away, hands still smoothing over my sides, fingers tracing over my ribs and spine. “Cas, talk to me, please.”

“Just, life, okay? I just need an escape, okay? Please, just...” I bite back sudden tears. “Dammit.” I curse, pulling away from him. Why, why does it have to feel like everything is turning black, everything is pulling me down into some deep, dark, void of an abyss and why does it have to be so scary? Goddamit, _why_?

His gentle hand tentatively reaches for my shoulder and soon he’s got his arms wrapped around me, pulling me into his chest, back to him. Tears stroll down my cheeks and I can taste the salt on my chapped lips. The salt mixes with the tangy deliciousness of Dean and I want more but I can’t take anymore.

I sit there in his arms, frustrated, huffing and puffing, practically sobbing in his arms. If anyone’s an angel, it’s him, holding me close despite this show of weakness or whatever. Dean’s tough and I know his ways. He doesn’t believe in crying and barely let’s out emotion. But it’s Dean, and he just sooths me through my pain. Goddamit, why is he so perfect? Why is he so fucking understanding?

I sigh heavily, minutes passing before I find my voice. There’s a lump formed in my throat that I don’t feel until I try and speak. All that comes out is a strained cry. It’s pathetic.

“Shh,” Dean coos into my ear, fingers stroking my arms where his hands wrap around to. His arms cross over my chest and hold me tight. I vaguely notice we’re rocking back and forth. He nestles his head into my shoulder, soothing my tremors with gentle, chaste kisses to my cheek and neck and clothed shoulder. “It’s okay, Cas, I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Maybe you should be,” I mumble, instantly regretting it because Dean’s hold loosens at the same time his shoulders tense up.

“What?” I hate the pain in his voice.

“I’m not... in the best frame of mind, Dean,” I rationalise. “I don’t know why you’re here comforting me when I’m weak and crying like a child.”

“Cas, just because you have feelings and emotions and tears does _not_ make you weak,” he emphasizes, not just talking to me, but reassuring himself. I’ve been so caught up with myself I had barely noticed what Dean needed. And I’m a terrible boyfriend for that.

“Why are you even here Dean? You have a million better things to be doing.” The words tumble out before I can stop them and I know this isn’t what I wanted.

“I’m here because my boyfriend, mind you, someone I care for very much needed me and is obviously not in a good place. I’m here because he needs me and I want to be there when he needs me.” He says, slightly hurt.

“I don’t _need_ you!” I say, pulling away from him, leaning over my knees, legs dangling off my bed. “I can’t _need_ you, Dean!”

“What do you mean, you don’t _need_ me? You just said you did?” He’s right, I did just say that but I can’t help what I spit out.

“I think you should...” I can’t bring myself to kick him out. But I can’t let myself continue down this warpath.

“Cas, I’m not going anywhere until you tell me just what the fuck is going on.” He says it coolly, but there’s affection in his words that mask his pain.

“Dean I can’t be with you right now, I can’t...” And immediately I regret my words.

“Can’t be with me right now? What the fuck is that supposed to mean? I’ve been watching you pull yourself away, curl into your own ball, your own world, waiting, waiting so fucking patiently for you to tell me what’s going on.” He breathes hard, standing up and pacing my room before me. He pauses mid stride and turns to face me, a tear threatening to fall from his dark lashes. “So, Cas, I need you to tell me what’s going on.”

I take a deep breath. “Meg texted me.”

“Oh,” he says without thought. He quickly shakes his head, face morphing into confusion to disbelief to hurt to a sense of understanding. “Oh,” he repeats, more purposeful.

“It brought up some shit I didn’t know was still there.” I sigh, taking my head into my hands. I regulate my breath carefully, in through the nose, out through the mouth. In through the nose, out through the—

“You still have feelings for her,” It’s a statement, not a question, a statement of slight disbelief and slight fear and slight, so slight, pain.

“I don’t know Dean. I don’t—she texted me _I miss you_ , I mean what the fuck is that supposed to mean? I was over her, completely over her, falling for you, so happy with you.”

“Yeah, you sure have a funny way of showing it, being so happy and _distant_ ,” he absentmindedly replies, seeming to regret it. But it’s said.

“You know Dean, I’ve been distant because I didn’t want to repeat what happened with her.” I spit at him, standing up with a slight snarl. “I didn’t want to fall so hard for you and then have to pick myself up off the ground after.”

“You think I’d let you fall, Cas? I’d fucking catch you and you damn well know it.” He pauses, hurt and unable to comprehend my terrible words. But I can’t stop them.

“Would you Dean? Would you really? We’re nothing alike, you and me. We’re from different families, different ideals, different everything. Hell, at least you _have_ a father!” I don’t know where this is coming from, but it doesn’t stop.

He takes a step back. _Shit_. I didn’t mean to say that, I didn’t mean it at—

“A father?” He stutters taken aback and suddenly defensive. “You think the man that pays for rent and food is my _father?_ Castiel, he hasn’t been my father in _years_. You of all the fucking people should know this. Just because he’s blood doesn’t mean I have a father anymore than you do.” He cringes at his own words and I grimace, pain bubbling up beneath the anger. “He’s probably dead for all I know! And you know what, I hope he is.” Dean growls animalistic.

“Dean I’m sorry,” I begin, but Dean’s grabbing his jacket. “I didn’t mean—I just, Meg and—“

“What, you were just using me to get back at her? Or to deal with your unresolved feelings? Is that it Cas? Are you just using me? _Were_ you just using me? Because you sure as hell aren’t anymore.” And Dean storms out the door.

Gabriel exist his room, presumably hearing all of that, and stands outside the threshold of my door, worry, confusion, and disappointment crossing his face.

“The fuck was that?” Over protective brother kicks in. “Did he hurt you?” he pauses, looking over me and I’m fine, spare the tears and swollen lips and hoarse voice. “Because I know those words hurt him.”

His words cut through me hard, like a surgeon’s knife, only I’m not sedated, I’m fully awake, feeling every incision, every cut, every slice of the blade with such precision, carving my skin and flesh and bones and nerves, making me scream out in pain. But I have no voice. And no one can hear my pain.

“Why do you care, Gabe? I took your advice, I took the leap, and he didn’t catch me, happy?” I practically yell at him.

“Cas, that wasn’t a leap. That was a suicide jump off the twelfth floor’s balcony.” He sighs, taking a step closer to try and comfort me, but I slam the door in his face and fume to my bed, letting out a heart shattering scream as I fall onto my sheets.

Finally, it all comes crumbling down like I knew it would.

But it’s because of me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ["Papercut"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CrbIrc6VA2k) by The Summer Set
> 
> ["Talk to Me, Dance With Me"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_csm9yLioLI) by Hot Hot Heat


	23. Papercut Part III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I hear someone rustling inside and see the curtains draw back. Icy, watery, blue eyes meet mine and their pain and guilt and raw regret stab me in the heart. He holds my gaze, a silent plead in them, like he just wants everything to be over already, to just curl up and cry into my arms. I could do that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sub-tittled  
> Sheep in Wolves Clothes

The pain inside gets worse and worse and the one person I can talk to about it is the one who’s causing it.

Dammit, what the fuck is Cas’s problem? Who the fuck did he think he was?

My boyfriend.

I shouldn’t have reacted the way he did. Of course he still had something for Meg, I mean, when Lisa kissed me I felt something, but that’s different. That’s what I keep telling myself, at least.

I claw through my hair, parked on the highway. I had driven furiously through the afternoon, making my way to that spot of coast that I always find solace in.

I shouldn’t have stormed out there the way I did. It only made things worse.

Why do I have to be the reasonable one? I didn’t do anything to deserve this? Cas is being moody and it‘s fucking getting to me.

Cas had texted me while I was driving but I didn’t bother checking. I had told myself what he had to say didn’t matter. But that wasn’t fair. As much as his words still sting in my ears, that doesn’t mean I’m just going to stop feeling the way I do about him.

Fucking logic. My inner Sam voice isn't helping.

 _He’s not in a good place, you heard him yourself. He just needs some space._ It tells me.

 _Yeah, well he didn't have to bring dad into it._ I growl to myself.

_Dean, you know nothing about him and his father. That was the first time he ever mentioned him. Don’t you think he’s got his reasons to envy the quote father we have?_

I groan and finally give in to the cuiroty that’s also eating me up and read the message from Castiel.

_Dean... I didn't mean to be so... Can we talk about this? The things I said... Are you doing okay?_

Am I doing okay? I wasn't expecting that. I figured he'd apologize sure, but make sure I was okay... I can't stay mad at him for long. But I try and push the text down into my head and forget about it.

I rub my hand over my face, shaking away the thoughts. I get out of the car, planning on letting out scream after scream into the cold breeze. But as I approach the beach I lose all words.

I meet a bitchface and a small growl. “You’re an idiot.”

“What are you doing here?” I ask as I turn to Sam.

“I got a call. I was out here at Kevin’s and hitched a ride.” He gives a small smile despite the disapproval in his eyes. “I knew you’d come here. You always do.” He pauses. “He didn’t mean it, Dean.”

What right did Cas have to call up my little brother and bring him into this? “You weren't there, Sammy, you don’t know that.” I scoff, sitting down on the soft sand. “Cas just made it worse by calling.”

“Cas didn't call me, Dean.”

“What?” Confusion spreads across my face as I question my little brother.

“Gabe did.” Of course he did. I roll my eyes.

“The fuck is Gabe doing calling you?”

“He’s got a brother too, Dean. And from what I heard, you were both jerks.” He sits next to me, bumping shoulders. “You don't know the first thing about Castiel’s dad. Gabe told me a bit.” I don’t want this right now. I just want to be alone without reason or logic and blindly hate the world. “His dad left before their mom died. He just up and left. Without any reason. Cas was barely 7.”

 _Oh_. I never asked about his dad, he didn't ever bring him up and I decided it was nothing. But it was obviously something.

“He was supposed to take Cas to his first baseball game the day before he left. Cas was really close with him, apparently.” Sam’s hair flows in the wind and almost makes me smile. He’s the worst. Just the worst because he’s the absolute best brother.

“You shouldn't be a part of this, it’s none of your business,” I stupidly gawk.

“You’re my brother so I’m making it my business.” His tone is set, no changing his stance on the matter.

I groan and set my head on my knees.

A few minutes pass before Sam speaks again. “Remember when dad used to take us down here and go fishing?” There’s a grin on his face when I look up, a shine in his eyes.

“You caught that fish that was twice as big as you. What were you, six?” We laugh at the memory.

“Yeah and you and dad cooked it up. Best fish tacos ever.”

“They were pretty good, weren't they?” I remember that was the day I taught Sam how to gut a fish. He never did it again. He actually hated the thought ever since. “You cringed when you sliced it up.” He grimaces again, just like all those years ago.

“Don't remind me.” He’s silent for a long moment. “We’re lucky we had that, you know.” I see where he’s going with this and I don't know how I feel about it. Slightly terrible with a side of guilt. “Cas never got much of that.”

“Sammy—“

“It’s Sam, you asshat. You need to go back and fix this.” He meets my gaze, his eyes hard but full of affection. “I won't sit by and watch you fuck this up, Dean.”

“I didn't do—“

“You aren’t innocent in all this either.” Don't remind me. I had said a few things I didn't mean. Cas had been distant sure, but that wasn't fair of me pointing out so harshly. “You should have talked to Cas the moment you thought things were up.”

“It’s not that simple, Sam. You don’t understand. It's not just the dad thing, I mean he’s still got feelings for his ex and I don’t want to—“

“Well tough luck, it’s part of being in a relationship. If you don't figure this out, it will fester up and shit will boil over. You know that.”

“It’s not that—“

“Yes it is, Dean.” He cuts, shaking his head at me, another trademark bitchface. But then his puppy dog eyes, just _fuck_.

I give up. There’s no point in arguing with him. He’ll be a lawyer someday, so when he says something, he sure as hell isn’t backing down from it. “Fine.” I relent, after about five minutes.

“Okay, but drop me off at Kevin’s before you go over to Cas’s, jerk.” He says with a triumphant smile as we get up and go to the car.

“Bitch,” I mumble as I open the car door. But Sam was right. I need to talk this over with Castiel. I hate this feeling inside and will do anything to get rid of the angry emptiness threatening to consume me.

After dropping Sam off, I drive to Castiel’s. I find myself outside his patio door like all those nights ago, coming back to apologize and make things right. I don't want to make a habit out of it, though that seems exactly the thing I'm doing.

I tap lightly on the glass door.

Another tap, more of a knock.

I hear someone rustling inside and see the curtains draw back. Icy, watery, blue eyes meet mine and their pain and guilt and raw regret stab me in the heart. He holds my gaze, a silent plead in them, like he just wants everything to be over already, to just curl up and cry into my arms. I could do that.

He slides open the glass door, not having locked it before, like he was hoping I'd come by.

“Cas-Castiel, I didn’t...” I sigh, finding myself starting the same way I had weeks ago. He just nods, pulling me into a tight hug, practically knocking the breath out of me, surprise written all over my face.

“I’m sorry, Dean,” his voice is quiet, low, hoarse. I can’t hold anything against that angelic voice. His words are like sharp razors that comfort instead of cut. It makes no sense, but that’s just Castiel, I guess.

“Me too, Cas.” I breathe him in. Not three hours ago I had stormed out the door in a heated sight of only red.

We sit down on his bed, my eyes dart everywhere but his. His gaze is relentless as he stares sideways at me. I open my mouth to speak but he cuts me off, reaching out his hand to mine.

“If anyone’s in the wrong, it’s me.” His voice is so quiet and sharp and it just hurts because he’s hoarse from defending himself from the things I had said.

Again I open my mouth but barely get out, “I said some—“ before he interrupts once more.

“You were right. I uh, I have been distant.” His tone is patient and slow. He’s got more to say and I hear him out. “Like I had said, the last time I fell for someone... or trusted someone so...” he shakes away the words. “But you’re not just someone Dean, and I know that. That’s what made m even more reluctant to tell you just how I feel. I don't want to lose you Dean, but I don't want to get hurt either. It's selfish and stupid and—“

“It’s not stupid. You know I don't trust easily. That’s why I was so snappy because it hurt that...” I take a deep breath before I nod to let him keep talking. “Didn't mean to interrupt. Continue.”

“It’s okay... I knew that and that’s why I felt so selfish. But, Dean, You’ve got to know I’m afraid. These feelings I have... they scare me a lot. I mean they’re amazing but...” His eyes blink away tears and I just want to reach up and wipe away any stray tears. “I had tried to be my own person. I guess I'm an all or nothing kind of guy and I thought I would be too dependent on you if I gave in but... But I want to give in to those feelings if it means I get to be with you, Dean. I was afraid to risk it, afraid I'd fall—and I know you’d catch me, I know but I was hesitant and then Meg and... Words just came out and I couldn’t stop myself and I just... I had no right bringing your father into it, that was so unfair of me and I—“

“Shh, Cas, It’s okay. I uh, I think I get it...” I hold his hand tightly, waiting for his blue eyes to look up from the ground. “Hell, I was so afraid of what I was feeling for you I couldn’t even get the words out but Cas... If you jump, take that risk, I will catch you, I promise you that. I could never leave you hanging. I don't care if we’re different, if we come from different backgrounds or whatever. Cas, I just care that I’m with you.” I hate these feelings, these emotions, these chick flick moments. But Castiel’s most definitely worth it. “And about Meg, of course you’ve still got unresolved feelings. I mean just weeks ago I was here apologizing for the same thing with, uh, with Lisa.” I bite my lip hoping they’re the right words. His eyes fill with understanding and relief. “Yah, I, I don't blame you for that. And I know you aren't using me, I don't know where that came from, I just...”

“In a way, I was, I guess. I couldn’t handle the thought of anything that was remotely related to Meg and called you over to forget about it. But Dean, I do need you. And you know admitting that just about kills me.” He looks away, down at our hands.

“I need you too, Cas.” And I know those are the right things to say because he looks back up, eyes full of hope and affection and no trace of pain. “I...”

 _Say it_. _Say it you fucking idiot. Just say it_.

“I love you, Cas.” It’s barely above a whisper but I say it, I say the three words that have been heavy in my heart.

His lip trembles, his fingers tighten around mine. “I... love you too, Dean.” And then his trembling lips are leaning up to meet my own quivering lips. And the kiss, the kiss is full of everything we just discussed, all the pain and regret turns to love and passion and it’s deep and forgiving. The things we can communicate through just a kiss baffles me. But I don’t mind it one bit, in fact I thank whatever god gave us this superpower that we can communicate in such an intimate and understanding way without stupid words getting in the crosshairs.

When we pull away, our eyes lock and we don’t let go for what seems like eternities.

We find ourselves tangled in each other, just staring into the other’s eyes, Castiel draped over me as I lay on my back, his head on my shoulder, hand on my chest, just looking up into my eyes. I I just look down into his, occasionally kissing him anywhere I can.

And for a second, everything is perfect. Because Cas, Castiel is perfect.

 

Cuddling into Dean feels perfect. I’m so glad he came back because I couldn’t believe the words that had left my lips only hours ago. Gabe was right. It was a suicidal leap, not taking a risk. I was jumping off a bridge. Yet somehow, Dean still caught me. How, I’ll never really understand.

We lay silently, cuddling for half an hour before I begin to speak. He deserves an explanation.

“I was seven when my dad left.”

Dean’s quiet, but his arm tightens around me, one hand stroking my hair gently.

“He was supposed to take me to my first ball game. I remember I was so excited to go. He had loved baseball, said it was the world’s oldest pastime.” I knew it was mainly America’s pastime but he had loved it so much. I wasn't too interested, but seeing the excitement in my dad’s eyes had made me want to go. “I was so happy I couldn’t sleep that night.” I remember how energy was surging through my body, how my limbs were restless as I waited and waited and waited. Sometimes I wish the same things could keep me up at night, because there’s nothing like childhood innocence and happiness. But it didn't last long.

“There was a noise in the other room. I could hear my mom was still sound asleep because there was no talking. Just quiet movements of feet and drawers opening and a bag dragging across the floor.” I bite my lip at the memory, the sounds so loud in my head. I blink back water threatening to spill from my lids. I close my eyes tight as I continue at almost a whisper. “Then there was the sound of brakes outside my window. And I remember getting up out of the comfort and safety of my bed,” and how I wish I hadn't, “And I looked down to see my dad leaving through the front door, getting into a yellow taxi-cab. I was confused. I thought he was going on a trip or something. Maybe going for a midnight snack, stupid I know, but I was barely seven.” I pause, my lids tightening more.

Dean nestles into me, holding me close to him. His soft heartbeat keeps my mind straight and I find the courage to continue. “But it wasn't a trip. It was him leaving. And he never walked through that door once he left. And the cab never came back once it left. And my mom never look so sad since he left, rushing into my room in the morning, fearing I had left her alone as well.” Hot streaks stain my cheeks and I’m being a baby just like before. “I could never leave her like that, ever...”

Dean kisses my head before pulling my head beneath his chin as he soothingly strokes my hair, fingers threading through the mess. I’m surprised when I feel a wet drop trickle through my hair, falling from Dean’s chin. He doesn’t speak for what seems like forever. And when he finally does, his voice is soft, not as low and gravelly and hoarse as usual. It’s a soft whisper, so soft and timid.

“Sometimes I feel like my dad has another family to take care of.” Oh, wow. “He never took me to ball games, he never took Sam to them either. He’d watch the game every now and then, placing an oversized baseball cap over Sam’s little head.” He chuckles softly, and it’s a beautiful but sad sad sound. “He taught Sam how to catch and throw... but he never taught me that.” Oh, Dean, I didn’t mean to bring things up I just needed to... to get it out. “He used to be around a lot, and God he could be the best dad ever...” The longing in his voice is clear and it’s terribly great. Because he’s got such good memories.

“Thank you for understanding, Dean.” I mumble softly, chancing a glance up at him. His eyes are just looking out, no particular target.

“It just feels like now, he’s never around, and it just doesn't feel like he's a father. But I guess I am lucky he’s still around at all. I’m sorry I didn't realize that, Cas.”

“Don’t be.” And I kiss his jaw gently before snuggling into him once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Of course Gabe and Sam take on their brotherly roles and try and fix things! Because both Cas and Dean are total idjits and rather stubborn ones at that!
> 
> I'm not good at making up. But Dean finally gets through his chick flick moment! If it seems a little too quick, it's because Dean can't stay mad at Cas and the guilt and pain is just eating the both of them up. 
> 
>  
> 
> ["Papercut"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CrbIrc6VA2k) by The Summer Set
> 
> ["Sheep in Wolves Clothes"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4RN1qMdcgV8) by Little Hurricane  
> p.s. the music video made me cry so I'm sorry I'm not sorry...


	24. Papercut Part IV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It was the same nightmare I always have,” I start slowly. He just looks at me, listening because he’s so good to me. “My mom died in a fire when I was younger... But see, the dream changes, so this time... this time it wasn’t just mom stuck in the burning house...” I bite my lip before meeting his comforting gaze. “You were there too... pounding on the window and I couldn’t do anything, I couldn’t save you I just... I failed you, like I fail everyone else...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sub-tittled  
> Valentine's Day
> 
> A lot less angst than I planned on. I'm saving that for senior year (;
> 
> This chapter is a roller coaster and may have triggers? Tending to someones wounds after getting beat up? No graphic violence though.
> 
> Anyways, wrapping up this story soon! no more than 27 chapters so, here's this chapter and I tried to balance the fluff and angst but well, its that time of the story, as of late, and angst is just a callin.... Prepare the feels? But it ends on a good note I promise!
> 
> *dialogue from 2x21 & 22 All Hell Breaks Loose, Part I & II

The weeks carry on and dad’s still not back. I talked to Bobby, telling him I was considering filing a missing person’s report, but Bobby assured me my dad was fine. Whatever the fuck dad was up to, it better be important. Sam’s starting to get real worried, and I have to pretend like it’s not eating me alive 24/7.

Valentine’s rolls around and there’s no word of him. The only thing keeping me from calling the police is Bobby, who seems hell-bent on the fact that my dad’s fine. Wish I could believe it.

I decide to take Castiel out for dinner and then return to his house to watch  _The Shining_  after. I even wear a tie. I pick him up and he’s in a white button down and blue jeans. He joins me with Gabriel who’d been joking about the activities we were to partake in later that night.

He hops in and I start the car. He eyes my tie. “Where are you taking me?”

“You’ll see,” I smile. His eyebrows lift. I give him a soft smile and reach out for his hand. “Are you good, Cas?”

He pauses before answering. “I’m good.” He offers a small smile, and when it turns genuine, I know he’s okay. Things were still a bit shaky, but I know Castiel was having a difficult time. Hell, aren't we both were.

I drive downtown, somehow managing not to hit all the tourists thinking they own the place. I find a parking space, impressing Castiel with my parallel parking skills. I get out and open his door. I help him out, link arms, and guide him to the crowded restaurant. His eyes fill with wonder. I approach a woman at the front.

“Reservations for Dean Winchester.”

She looks through her book and then skims her eyes over the computer screen before offering a grin. “Right this way, Mr. Winchester.”

She leads us towards the back, less crowded, revealing a quaint little booth. She hands us these gorgeous menus and I look over it as she trots off.

“Dean, how are we going to pay for this?” Castiel asks hushed once the woman is out of earshot.

“Relax. It’s my treat.” I smile at him, reaching for his hand. “Have whatever you like.” I glance over the menu, eying some very pricy items. “Except the, uh, es-car-gott.” Castiel shakes his head at me.

“It’s escargot,” he corrects and I blush. “Dean, you didn’t have to do all this.” Castiel means it as he opens up to me. Like he’s letting his guard down, letting me in. I really appreciate it and suddenly there are butterflies in my stomach and words on my lips.

But thankfully the waiter comes around, interrupting me before I can say something stupid. “Hello, my name is Garth, and I’ll be your server tonight. Can I start you two off with something to drink?”

“Garth?” I ask, looking him over. Yep, it’s bobby’s friend. “I uh, bobby mentioned you once or twice. Says you’re a good hunter.”

The lanky man quirks a brow before smiling. “You’re John Winchester’s kid, aren’t ya?” The man couldn’t be three years older than Dean, so he wonders how he knows his father. “How is he doing?”

I bite my lip. “Uh, good. He’s good.” I lie. “This is my boyfriend, Castiel.” I quickly change the topic, refusing to let my father ruin my night.

“Nice to meet ya,” Garth smiles at him. “So what can I get you boys?” I look over to Cas who seems to want me to order for him, considering how well I seem to get along with Garth. Castiel’s shy and it’s fucking adorable.

“We’ll take two waters, a root beer and sierra mist.” Garth nods before leaving.

“How’d you know exactly what I wanted?” Castiel leans in with a smile.

“I pay attention, Cas.” I squeeze his hand. We continue talking until Garth brings our drinks five minutes later. I order chicken parmesan for Cas and a steak for myself. We share a salad.

“Dean, how are you going to pay for this?” Castiel asks, seemingly worried.

“I started working for Bobby, fixing up some old cars and stuff. Saved up enough money to treat us to a nice dinner.” I pause, meeting Cas’s cerulean blue eyes. “You deserve something nice and I thought I could maybe give that to you.” I know he deserves better than me and this is all I can offer when it comes to fancy dinners and stuff that I’m sure he’s more than used to. “You look really handsome tonight. Gorgeous, really.” And he does. He’s fucking breathtaking. He always is, whether he just got out of bed or just got out of the shower. Whether he’s sharing his beautiful voice while he rants about something or is silently curled up reading a book. Engulfed by his over-sized trench coat or wearing just his boxers. He never ceases to amaze me.

“Thank you, Dean. You look very nice as well. I didn’t expect the tie, but you look good in one.” I blush at his words.

“Try and enjoy yourself tonight, okay Cas?” There’s the soft blue eyes and crinkled smile I’ve been waiting for, and suddenly he’s talking about the books he’s reading, Gabriel’s latest adventures, and Sherlock. I’m so lucky to be able to sit here and eat and listen to his spectacular tone go on and on about his passions.

Then he mentions my father. “Cas, I’d rather not talk about that tonight.” I’d rather not talk about it ever.

“I just want to make sure you know you can always talk to me.” His hands reach for both of mine. I know that after we had talked the other day. And it had felt really good to just talk with him and listen too.

“I know I can. And I value that so much. And I will talk to you about it, I promise. Just not tonight.” I squeeze his hands and add, “Tonight it’s you and me.”

“You’re such a sap,” he teases as Garth brings our main dishes.

Dinner is delicious and the look on Cas’s face, the look of sheer happiness and joy, makes dinner worth every penny.

We cruise the beach, AC/DC playing on low. He turns to me. “Thank you for not getting me a big box of chocolates and stuff.”

I laugh. “Don’t tease me, the night’s not over yet.” I give him a wink and his brows shoot up.

“Oh it isn’t?”

“Nope. You’re in for a night of cinematic genius. And you’re stuck with me.” I grin.

“Doesn’t sound so bad.” Castiel smiles leaning over to kiss my cheek. My chest grows warm.

We get back to his place, Gabriel out for the night. “Is he on a date with Balthazar?” I tease.

Castiel seems to think on that. “You know, I hadn’t thought about it. He said he was meeting up with a friend. So, maybe.” He shrugs a shoulder and grabs some water for us.

I sit on his bed, opening the DVD case and putting the disk into his Xbox. I kick off my shoes, shrug off my jacket and set up the pillows so we can lean against the wall together. Castiel walks in with two glasses of water that he sets down on his bedside table.

“You ready, honey?” I joke.

He grimaces. “Don’t call me honey.”

“Okay, babe.”

“I don’t know if I like that either.” He raises a brow.

“Baby? Sugar? Sweet cakes? Uh,” I look around. “Lampshade?” I laugh.

“That could work.” He quirks his lips into a small smile.

“Angel?” I ask, looking into his eyes, suddenly falling victim to his beauty.

“That’s so cliché though. I don’t mind it.” He allows, taking his shoes off before settling down next to me.

I reach my hand up to his cheek. His eyes are big and blue and full of beauty. He leans into the touch and I lean my forehead to his, closing my eyes. His lips brush against mine, making me feel whole and happy and not alone. I hadn’t realised how much I missed his complete openness. He’d slowly stopped being so distant, it wasn't immediate, but it was something. And now he’s vulnerable and taking a risk and I love it because I am too and I’m not alone in this.

“Cas, how do you sign ‘I love you’?”

I open my eyes to see his filling with such happiness I can’t take it.

His hand meets mine, fingers extending my pinkie, index, and thumb. It’s kind of similar to the ‘rock on’ symbol. I look down at his hand moving to place it in front of me.

“It’s a directional sign,” he says, voice shockingly quiet. “You sign it to the person you’re saying ‘I love you’ to.”

I look into his eyes, signing  _I love you_. And I swear his eyes tear up a little, his small hand and long fingers signing  _I love you_ back. We haven’t said it since the other day because it’s not something to say all the time. And I had meant it when I said it. And I still do, but I don't voice it, the gesture communicating it all the same.

His lips meet mine in a tender embrace. When he pulls away, he leans into me, against the pillows and wall, curling up before I start the movie.

Castiel seems to really like it. He’s really into it and gets scared very easily. I don’t torture him the way I did Charlie and Jo. He yelps and cringes and clutches at me, occasionally burying his head into my chest. I just hold him close to me. His gasp at the end and wide eyes just shows how much he loved it.

“So... whad’ya think?” I ask him as I turn off the TV.

He just stares openly at me, mouth open a little, trying to form words.

“That’s what I thought.” I kiss his open mouth, biting his lower lip until he’s pulling me closer, furthering the kiss.

I laugh at his pull. “Shut up,” he groans. His fingers play at the tie I forgot I was wearing, loosening it more before pulling it off. He smiles at me, pushing me down onto the bed before kissing me again.

His tongue tickles my lip before entering my mouth. I feel it swipe over mine before tracing over the roof of my mouth. His teeth bite down on my lip, sucking on it as he pulls away. He never really bites me like that, but  _damn_  it’s fucking sexy. His eyes rake over me, filling with want and desire.

“You always get like this after watching scary movies? Why have we waited until now to do this?” I joke and he rolls his eyes, a soft chuckle on his lips. His fingers brush over my cheek, the soft pads tracing over my lips and jaw. His touch is so tender and affectionate, a touch I’m not all that used to. It feels so nice but undeserved. What did I do right to deserve such a kind and adoring person?

As if reading my thoughts, Castiel tilts his head, his brows knitting. “Why are you so hard on yourself, Dean?” His voice isn’t accusing but caring. I swallow the lump that has formed in my throat. His fingers brush over my skin, tracing over my light freckles, before slipping into my hair and falling down to cup my cheek.

“Because I don’t deserve you.” I manage. He shakes his head slightly, confusion drawing over his features.

“Why do you think that?”

“Because I’m not good enough for someone like you.” I say simply, adverting my eyes from his piercing gaze.

“Someone like me? Dean I’m nothing special. Please don’t say that.” His lips tremble as he sits up.

“But Cas, you are. You mean so much to me, you are something special. And I don’t deserve someone so kind and understanding and angelic and beautiful as you. I don’t deserve the kindness that fills your eyes when you look at me, or the tip of your lips when you smile when you see me.” I pause, sitting up, holding Castiel in my lap, my hands resting on the small of his back. His eyes are wide and watery and filled with confusion and compassion and downright love.

“You’re wrong,” he whispers. “You deserve so much more.” His voice is serious and so soft I have to strain my ears to hear him. “I’m not the angel you seem to think I am. I’m broken and hurt. I’m fallen if anything, constantly trying to pick myself up and failing.”

I shake my head at his words. He’s nothing like that. He’s gorgeous and kind-hearted. Hell, he has the biggest heart I’ve ever seen. He’s got his problems, sure, but don’t we all? “Cas, everyone falls down. Life is a constant struggle of picking yourself up off the ground. Of fixing the cracks in your heart. Of finding someone to help you up.” I look at him, his head bowed, eyes looking away. I cup his cheek, tipping his chin up so he looks me in the eyes. I hate seeing him feel so broken and seeing the pain in his bright blue eyes. “Let me help you get up.” My voice is a whisper and Cas bites his lip, shaking his head, deciding whether or not to let me in. “Please.”

“Only if you let me help you, too.” I nod in reply and his trembling fingers find my neck before I pull him in for a gentle kiss. I sit like that, pressing Castiel close to me, his fingers running through my hair, pulling me in, his lips refusing to part. He only deepens the kiss, communicating once again everything words can’t.

His tongue caresses mine, again exploring my mouth. His lips move against mine and I welcome him in. Our tongues dance together, a slow rhythmic pull and push, which our bodies follow. I just want to hold him close and feel him against me. His fingers find my buttons, patiently unbuttoning my shirt as his hips dig into mine. Once my shirt is off, my own trembling fingers fidget with his buttons, eventually pulling off the dress shirt, exposing his glorious skin to my needy hands. I search the expanse of skin, tracing the muscles that flex beneath my touch.

AC/DC fills the air suddenly, disrupting our kiss and I know it’s Sammy. He wouldn’t call if it wasn’t important, he’d text if it wasn’t major. But he’s calling. I groan and reluctantly pull away from Cas and I reach for my phone, finding it in the heap of my jacket on the floor. I sit up, dangling my legs over the bed as I answer the phone.

“Sam, what is it?” I say tiredly, annoyed for the interruption of our moment but also slightly worried that he’s calling this late. Maybe he needs a ride home or something. Or maybe... Shit what if—

“Dad’s on the couch, he’s... he’s,” Sam’s words are a fast flurry, barely comprehendible, but I know him and I can decipher the code of mashed together words. “He’s covered in bruises, purpleblackandblue-and- _everywhere_ -and-and—“

“Sam, slow down. Are you home right now?” It’s a stupid question because obviously he is. My heart is beating fast and my stomach in twisting sharp and thoughts of what could have happened to dad—but I have to ground myself. I can’t panic. I just can’t.

“Yes, Dean,” his voice is hoarse and I can tell he’s been freakingthefuckout long before he had called. Possibly crying. “Kevin dropped me off and I came home and... I mean Dean, he’s covered in them, he’s got blood, and-ohmy _God_ -just, there’s _somuch_ blood—“

“Sam,” I say coolly, stern and heavy, trying to get him to focus his thoughts. I forget Castiel at my side, but I remember because his hand is rubbing gentle circles on my back. He’s worried. “Sammy, calm down. Take a deep breath. I’ll be on my way, there in five minutes, but you’ve got to tell me what happened.” I try and reason and I can almost see the tears running down my little brothers cheeks. And he doesn’t cry easily.

The line is quiet, save for deep breaths I can hear Sam pulling in and out. He’s calmed down, probably has stopped looking at this mess of our father. “I came home... and Dad was on the couch—he still is—and his keys were on the table with his wallet and there were three empty beer bottles on the floor next to him. There’s a half-empty Jack Daniel’s and... He’s asleep now, I checked his pulse, he’s fine, God I hope he’s fine, Dean.” Another pause as Sam steadies his breath. I take a deep breath at the information, trying so desperately to stay in control.

“Okay, you said there’s blood? And bruises?” Castiel cringes besides me and I meet his worried eyes, trying to silently communicate  _it’s okay, even though it’s definitely not okay, I’ll be fine, even though we both know I won’t be_.

“Yes. When I went to check his pulse, I noticed the bruises and blood. He’s got... he’s got a black eye, fresh, like an-hour-ago fresh. He’s got a busted lip that’s swollen and dried with blood and alcohol. His nose is busted too and he’s got bloody scratches on his arms... His knuckles... so purple and brown and blackandblueand—“ He stops again. I bite my worried lip, trying to keep it from quivering, not wanting to look weak, because I can’t be, I  _cannot_  be weak right now, not when Sam needs me. “He’s got cuts on his knuckles—I’m getting the first-aid kit right now, but Dean... His shirt... It’s covered in blood.”

“Nosebleed,” I pass off quickly.

“No Dean, like  _a lot_  of blood. Too much to just be his. He’s got a burn mark in his palm... the size of a cigar, holy shit I’m looking at it right now. Dean, what do I do, Dean what—“

“Just sit down, get some water or something, and breathe. I’m on my way. No more than a minute away.” I say as I get up, reaching for my things and half-assedly button up my shirt, which is inside out.

“Hurry,” Sam pleads from the other line. I nod and hang up.

Castiel’s face is twisted in horror, he only heard my side of the conversation, but he probably caught glimpses of Sam’s hysterical tone. “Dad’s pretty beat up and Sam’s freaking out. It’s nothing,” I lie coldly, unable to feel right now. “I have to go Cas, I... I’m sorry but I just...” I look into his blue eyes for an answer, for an answer to everything that’s happened, from my dead mother and beat up drunken, never at home father, from being a jerk to him with Lisa to being a jerk to him now—and in then I see so much affection and worry, my eyes water, and they  _can’t_ , not now, dammit.

“It’s okay, Dean, I understand just, go... Go be with your brother.” He pauses as I find myself at the front door with him and I tug it open. “I had a wonderful night, but just go take care of whatever it is, okay?” He whisper, hand gripping my wrist tight as I get to my car. I spin around, his eyes full of sadness and my own dripping, fucking  _dripping_  with tears that I  _can’t_  be crying.

I pause for a moment, pull him in for a deep kiss, apology on my lips, three unspoken words communicated between us as I get into the car. Before I pull away, I catch him waving and sending me an  _I love you_  with his left hand. I mirror it before turning the car around and speeding away.

 

I get home a minute later, skipping every stop sign because no one’s around this small area this late at night. I get to the apartment door, yank it open and see exactly what Sam had described. It’s numbing.

John is laid out across the couch, unconscious, from alcohol or blood loss hell if I know. His white tee shirt is stained with dark red blood, drying on his chest. His arms are stained in it too. There are cuts on his forearms, nail marks and scratches.  _Holy shit_. His eye is swollen along with his lip, his nose joining the colour palette with a purpling bruise. Beer bottles scatter the floor next to scattered shoes and his jacket, strewn across the small living room floor. His hair is drenched in sweat and slicked to sides of his face. He’s fine in the sense he doesn’t need a hospital, I’ve seen him come home once before like this, but Sam doesn’t know about that.

I find Sam at the kitchen table, breathing heavily, crouched over a half-empty glass of water. He looks up as I come over to grab the first-aid kit. He’s been crying, tears stain his cheeks and this, this is what pains me. Not my father beat up and passed out on the couch, but my little brother’s tears.

“It’s okay, Sammy,” I whisper as I pull him close. “Everything’s gonna be okay.” I know it’s a lie, he knows it’s a lie, but it’s a comforting one all the same. “Go to bed okay? And um, pack a bag.” I’m not leaving Sam in the same house with  _that_  even if _that_  is fine. Sam eyes me, questioning the last part but nods and heads to his room, adverting his still innocent eyes from the heap of our broken father.

I get the first-aid kit and tend to my father—no, he’s not my father,  _this thing_  is  _not_  my father. I attend to  _John’s_  wounds and clean them up. Surprisingly no stitches needed, just plenty of butterfly and other band-aids, gauze, antiseptic, and an ace wrap for his swelling wrist which might be twisted. I clean up the cuts best I can, sighing at the pitiful mess. My chest swells with anger, even though there’s definitely worry and pain and hurt and emptiness... but I can only deal with the anger right now.

I strip him of his bloody clothes, not the first time I’ve had to help him change during a drunken stupor. His eyes flutter open slowly as he sees me fast at work.

“De-dean...” He groans, about to apologize, which he  _never_  does, but I won’t have it.

“Don’t,” is all I say, sharp and painful if my dad’s grimace at my words is any indication. Part of me wants to take it back, to let the man explain just whatthefuck happened, but no, not now. He needs rest and ice, which I already have pressed to his head. I take him to his bed room.

“Is Sam...” he slurs and groans once more as he lies back on the hard bed.

“No,” I lie. “He’s at a friend’s house tonight.” As much as I hate him in this moment, and want him to pay for what he’s done to Sam, if he knows Sam came home to him like this, he’ll never forgive himself. Sam’s his whole life, when he is around, and I won’t take that away from him. He’s still my father... some part of him is. And now’s when the hurt and pain and questions fill my head, but I bite back words. “Get some sleep. I’ll talk to you in the morning.” And I shut the door before he can say anything.

I go to my room after cleaning up the mess in the living room. Immediately I start packing a bag. He’s never come home  _this_ late before, never come home  _this_  beat up before, and never come home  _this_  irresponsibly. I sigh and throw my clothes into the bag before shutting off the light, trying to turn off my feelings with it, and falling back onto my bed.

It’s hard and cold and uncomfortable. The cars passing by in the highway don’t offer the same peace and quiet they used to as they lulled me to sleep. It’s different, in this hazy stupor, it’s all different.

Sam didn’t deserve to see dad like this, God what the poor kid must be thinking of him right now. Sam didn’t have the same faith in the man I had had, not the same loyalty or trust I had had for him, because hell, even though he was never around, he was still our father.

But tonight I’m not so sure.

Tears, hot and wet and stinging roll down my cheek. My phone vibrates a message from Castiel but I can’t. I just can’t.

I roll onto my side, the tears falling freely. I clutch at my pillow relentlessly, hiding my quiet sobs in it.

Two months was too long, even for dad. He had missed Christmas after basically promising he would be there. Hell, he had missed my fucking birthday. And now he stumbles into our house like  _that_ , making Sammy see him like  _that_?

I have tried to be the obedient little soldier, take care of Sammy, take care of myself. But there’s only so much I can do and so far I can be pushed. And this, this is my limit.

I think of what I’m going to do tomorrow. It’s February break. Maybe I can take Sam to Bobby’s and he’ll let us stay there for a bit until I figure out whatever is going on with dad. I’ll have to drive Sam out in the morning before dad wakes up, he thinks he’s at a friends. Maybe I could just take him to Kevin’s until I talk with Bobby. This is not how I had planned to spend my February break. I had planned on relaxing, making out with Castiel, doing some other things with him, and maybe taking Sam out to the movies or something.

The phone vibrates again, 2 new messages from Cas.

The first reads,

_Is everything okay?_

The next one,

_I’m here Dean. If there’s anything I can do, please don't hesitate to ask._

I can’t believe I had to just leave like that and he doesn't mind one bit. He’s seriously the best boyfriend ever. I had ruined our night, a great one at that, and of course, things fall to shit like they always do. The moment things are going right, it all comes crumbling down.

But not if I can help it.

I text Jo first.  _Is there anyway Sam can crash at your place? Dad came home and... Well, I want Sam somewhere safe._

She replies immediately.  _Of course Dean! Mom hasn’t seen him in awhile so she’s more than happy to have him over. Are you okay though?_

No.  _I’ll be fine, Sam’s the priority though._

_When will you be over?_

Then I open up Castiel’s message screen, and type,  _Sam’s okay, gonna stay at Jo’s... dad’s a mess but it’s nothing new... thank you, Cas_. For everything. But I don't specify and I press send.

It’s only 10 so I go to Sam’s cracked door. He’s trying to read a book, worry covering his face.

“Hey,” I start softly, walking over to his bed. “You okay, man?”

He’s silent as he contemplates his words. “Just seeing dad like that... Dean, what are we gonna do?” His eyes are pleading, searching for an answer that I have to provide. “We can’t—“

“I’m gonna handle it. You’re gonna go to Jo’s. You pack a bag like I asked?” I see a small duffle bag in the corner, clothes spilling out.

“Why do I have to go to Jo’s?”

“Sam, trust me, I don't want you to have to see dad like this.” I sigh, knowing I’ve failed both of them. I always fail the one’s I’m closest to.

“Too late for that,” his words sting.  

“Sam, just let me, let me do my job, okay?” Why won’t he just listen to me? He’s so stubborn, dammit.

“And what’s that, Dean?” He snaps.

“Taking care of you!”

“That’s not your job, Dean! That’s  _his_  job!” He alludes to our beaten and passed out father in the other room.

“Yeah, well he sucks at it, so someone’s gotta do it.”

“Why does it always have to be you, Dean? You’ve done this your whole life, you’ve always thought about me. Why don’t you ever think about yourself? Why do you care so little about yourself?” His eyes are cool, his face set, lips pressed into a thin line. He’s got that look, that  _why are you such an idiot_  bitchface that I keep getting from him.

“Because I can't!” I throw my hands up, turning away from him. I pinch the bridge of my nose and I feel his bed shift as he comes up beside me. “You know, when we were little— and you couldn't been more than 5— you just started asking questions. How come we didn't have a mom? Where'd Dad go when he'd take off for days at a time?” I sigh, hating remembering all the times I never had answers for his questions, or I just didn’t know how to answer them. “I remember I begged you, ‘Quit asking, Sammy.’ I just wanted you to be a kid... Just for a little while longer.” He’s quiet next to me. “I always tried to protect you... Keep you safe... Dad didn't even have to tell me. It was just always my responsibility, you know? It's like I had one job... I _have_ one job...” I trail off, staring down at my hands. “You know, like it's my job to keep you safe.” I pause as I try not to let any more emotion into my tone, but my voice betrays me with a slight crack. “And if that means taking you to Jo’s and away you from this house so you don't have to see our drunken-excuse-of-a-father like that, then I’m sure as hell gonna take you to Jo’s.”

Sam lets out a staggered breath and nods slightly. “But, Dean, I’m not a little kid anymore, I don’t need—“

“I’m going to take care of you.” I interrupt before he can say anything more. I don’t want to hear it right now. “I’m gonna take care of you because that’s my job, right?” I turn to meet his softening gaze and pull him in for a hug, ignoring the tears dripping from my lashes. “Watching out for my pain-in-the-ass little brother.” I smile a little and run my fingers through his overgrown hair and he groans before pulling away, wiping away at his cheek. “Okay, Sammy?”

“Okay,” he finally says, reluctantly picking up the duffle bag and quietly walking out.

I drive him to Jo’s, get him situated, and drive around town for awhile before finding myself at Castiel’s drive, for the second time tonight. I hesitate. I should go home, make sure dad’s okay. I already did that. He’s fine. A fucking jerk, but he’s fine. God, and I can't get that look of Sam’s face contorted in worry and pain from the sight of our stupid father. It kills me, stabs deep into my core.

I do everything I can, I always do, to make sure I never have to see Sam like that. And of course I’ve let him down. I always let down the one’s I’m closest to.

I find myself outside Castiel’s glass door and it’s unlocked. It’s late. He’s probably asleep. But he left his door unlocked, hopefully for me, so I walk in without thinking and shut it quietly behind me. I find Castiel curled up near the wall on one of his beds. He’s facing away and suddenly tears are on my cheeks and I just need to hold him. I kind of understand how Cas must have felt after Meg texted him. Needing someone to get lost in and forget about all the pain.

I had changed at the house, clad in sweats and a loose fitting tee, with my leather jacket hanging off me. I shrug it off before approaching the sleeping Castiel. He’s in his other bed, the one on the same wall as his door, opposite the glad door. He usually sleeps on the one across from his desk, the one on the wall that runs between the two doors in and out of his room. I wonder why he’s in the other bed.

I don’t care because I just want to hold him and bury my face in his neck and hair and feel his warmth and not this cold aching hole in my chest.

I slip onto my back next to him, my side touching his back. He’s so peaceful and I don’t want to wake him. His body is lax and not tense or rigid. I run my fingers along his side and he stirs a little. I give in and curl up behind him, matching the shape of his body, and wrapping my arm over his until my hand rests near his chest. My thumb rubs soft circles into his palm and I can smell him. He smells faintly of something sweet, like sugar cooking, almost like pie. Am I going out of my mind? Why on earth would he smell like pie? Maybe he was cooking earlier? No, I’d only been gone an hour. But I smell cinnamon and apple... and cherry? I don’t know what it is, but he’s delicious, and along the sweetness there’s a sliver of lavender? Maybe he took a shower after I left. His hair is a tad wet, so I guess it’s his shampoo. But the traces are so small, I focus in on the scent of... of warmth, of him. Like how metal smells cold, Castiel smells... warm. And like grass on a hot day. Okay, maybe I can't really place his scent, but it’s  _Cas_.

I nestle my nose into his neck, breathing him in, my tear stained cheeks rubbing against his soft skin. His hair tickles my face but I just pull him into me, relishing in the moment. Holding Castiel so close, feeling Castiel in every sense, the smell of sugar and earth, the sound of his soft breathing, the feel of tender and warm skin, the taste of his skin as I place a gentle kiss beneath his ear. He stirs once more and suddenly tenses before relaxing into my touch.

“Dean?” His voice is so extremely low in register and breathy and gravelly and it’s the most beautiful sound in the world.

I just nod into his neck, tightening my arm around him even more.

“Is Sam okay?” I nod once again. He pauses, thinking over his next words. “Your dad?” I wait a beat before nodding once more because my voice decides that right now it won't work. “You?” he turns his head slightly, enough to look at me, his gorgeous azure eyes dark in the dim room. I bite my lip because I’ve been trying and trying to hold it all in, to be strong for Sam, to not crumble or break. But I can’t anymore, and I just shake my head, digging into his skin with my nose, trying to press away the tears, but the come quietly.

He lets out a tiny breath before turning in my arms to face me and he plants a kiss on my forehead before wrapping his arms around me, pulling me in, and resting his chin on my head. My body shakes as I silently cry into his soft cotton shirt until it’s wet against my lips and tasting of salt. His hand just sooths over my back, running up and down and making small circles every now and then.

I cling to his shirt, allowing my weakness to show, opening myself to him, feeling stark naked, more so than when I’ve actually been naked with him. I feel completely vulnerable and he just holds onto me, whispering soothing words into my hair and peppering me with light kisses. I can’t bring myself to look up at him once my body stops shaking and the tears stop falling. I just hold onto him, letting his heat consume me, falling into him completely, and then I’m fully enveloped and falling into a deep sleep.

 

_“Dean? Go back to sleep sweetie. Here, I’ll tuck you in.” Her words are soft and sweet and don’t help my sleepy state of mind as they lull me back into a haze. I take her large hand and she leads me back to my room, her words soothing me as she lifts me into bed._

_She sits down on my bed, rubbing my arm as she sings_ “Hey Jude” _and I’m falling back asleep until I hear a thud outside the door._

_Dad’s crumpled up, bruised, nose bleeding, blood gushing over his body. Blonde curls bounce as mom runs to him and then there’s a flicker of heat on my skin and a flicker of light on the walls and a flicker of fear in my chest._

_I’m in the hallway with dad and mom and I see Castiel in the nursery, flames licking up the crib and curtains, a circle of orange surrounding him, trapping him._

_Then suddenly Sam’s in my arms, dad’s ushering me out, “Take your brother outside as fast as you can! Don't look back! Now Dean! Go!”_

_I stand, cooing Sam in my arms, cold nipping my skin, fire blazing through the window as I look up at our home from the green lawn. Screams sound through the crackling of wood._

_And two hands press against the cracking window as a mouth, a very familiar and beautiful mouth, screams silently, fists pounding against the glass, eyes wide and full of fear and tears and anguish._

_Then hands are shaking me, pulling me away._

_And I scream as loud as I can, “Castiel! No!”_

I find myself in Castiel’s arms, shaking violently, fabric sticking to my slick skin, hair matted and cool against the back of my neck. Then I register the two timid hands shaking me ever so lightly. And I feel the breath staggered and heavy leaving my lips.

“Dean! Dean, it’s okay, you’re at my house, it’s okay Dean, you’re okay. Nothing’s gonna hurt you, I promise.” He’s babbling comforting words as I wake up and meet his worried gaze. His eyes soften as he takes me into a bone crushing hug, still murmuring, “It’s okay, I’m here, you’re gonna be okay.” I relax into his grip.

There’s no light in the room, so it must be the middle of the night. My clothes are uncomfortably dry against my wet skin and it’s a terrible feeling, along with the twist in my gut and ache in my chest, my brain fuzzy, still stuck in the nightmare’s haze.

After a few minutes, my pulse slows and my head clears. Castiel looks into my eyes, making sure I’m okay.

I open my mouth to speak but he stops me with a tentative kiss, slow and cautious, making sure I’m okay. Worrywart. “You were thrashing everywhere,” he breathes when he pulls away. “I tried to wake you up but you were sweating and crying out and—“

“Is everything okay Cassie—oh, hey Dean. I thought you went home. Wait, is everything okay, what was that?” Gabe’s eyes search the room, looking for an intruder or something but finds nothing.

“Nightmare, go back to sleep.” Castiel waves him away and he furrows his brows before understanding dawns on him and he shuts the door.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t—“

“No, it’s okay. You scared me is all. What were you—wait, don't answer that.” He stops himself as his eyes scan over my face. Seeing him all worried and scared just because I had a nightmare gives me a slight ping of happiness that he cares so much and then guilt for being happy at that and making him so worried and scared.

“It was the same nightmare I always have,” I start slowly. He just looks at me, listening because he’s so good to me. “My mom died in a fire when I was younger... But see, the dream changes, so this time... this time it wasn’t just mom stuck in the burning house...” I bite my lip before meeting his comforting gaze. “You were there too... pounding on the window and I couldn’t do anything, I couldn’t save you I just... I failed you, like I fail everyone else...”

“It’s just a nightmare, Dean. I’m okay, you’re okay...”

“Yeah, I know, but I just can’t shake that feeling...”

“Dean, you don’t fail people.” I open my mouth to object but he doesn’t let me, quieting me with a simple pointed look. “And you definitely could never fail me.” And with that, he leans down to plant a sweet kiss to my worried brow, ironing out the crease that had been there.

When I wake up once again, my head is on a warm surface, soft fabric rubbing against my cheek as the surface slowly rises and falls, lungs filling with air. I recognize Castiel’s chest. Then I taste something salty on my lips as I brush over the same soft fabric and feel it slightly stiff from dried liquid. Tears I taste. And at the same time I feel heat along the front of my body, heat emanating from Castiel’s sleeping form, thoughts from last night fill my head and I close my eyes, trying to push them away. And then that nightmare comes back once again.

I, instead, focus on the slow rise and fall of his chest, focus on the soft sound of his steady breathing, in... and out... in... And calm down before I can lose it.

I stir slightly, moving up from his chest to rest on his shoulder, nose in his neck. His arm wraps around me and I look up at his sleepy face, relaxed and at peace. That also helps calm me down.

I press a chaste kiss to his neck and collarbone before attempting to move out of his grip, but he immediately tightens his hold, not letting me go. That causes a little flutter in my heart, okay, a big ass flutter in my heart, and I have to catch my breath once again.

There’s light flooding in from the glass door, so it’s not the middle of the night again. Judging by the bright rays, I’m going to go ahead and guess 9 am? Maybe 10?

“Mmm...?” A tired groan sounds from the man I’m attached to. I smile as his lashes flick open to reveal groggy blues. “Mm, Dean?”

“Morning sunshine,” I smile and reach up to kiss his cheek. He gives a soft smile before grimacing and covering his eyes from the light.

“What time is it?” His voice is so full of gravel and he sounds so tired I have to stifle a laugh. He is not a mused. I turn my head toward the clock on the table near the glass door. Oh. It’s 7. Oops. “Deaaaan,” he moans before rolling over and letting go, trying to hide from the daylight.

“Don’t go all vampire on me.”

“It’s 7 in the morning and it’s Saturday  _and_  it’s vacation, what the fuck are you talking about vampires for?” He’s so tired and this time I laugh loudly. “It’s not funny, Dean.” He growls. I laugh more before he rolls over, eyes like daggers, sharp and fierce. “Not. Funny.” Another hiss and I’m grabbing my stomach because this is too great.

“That’s too precious, Cas. You hate mornings!” I buckle up and laugh, trying to catch my breath.

“No shit, Sherlock.” He grumbles warily.

“Fuck you, Watson!” I quip with a smirk.

A small smile plays at his lips before he’s kissing me. “Later,” he whispers with a sleepy wink before turning over, pushing his ass against my morning wood, giving a little wiggle and a laugh when I fail at biting back a moan.

“You’re gonna pay for that,” I snarl and nip at his ear, bucking my hips into him.

“Later,” he grumbles once more and I chuckle before nestling my nose into his neck and spoon him.

 

Around 9 in the morning I open my eyes to bright light and a warm body behind me, an arm draped over my waist. I groan and turn over, blinking away sleep. My vision focuses to see brilliant blue eyes staring up at me, the warmest smile on his lips.

“Morning,” Cas sounds weirdly awake.

“I thought you hated mornings,” is all I grumble.

His smile turns into a smirk and his eyes glare at me. “I thought you hated being the little spoon.” Bastard.

But I can’t hide my amusement and I give him a quick kiss. His smell is still warping my senses.

And there’s that pie smell again.

“You smell like pie.” I say blandly, but he hears my question.

“Well, after you left... I decided, ‘hey, my boyfriend’s going through some shit. Why not try and make it even a bit better?’” He shrugs and my cheeks are hurting. It must be from the lopsided grin spread across my face.

“You—“

“But I couldn't decide between apple or cherry... So I went with both.” My jaw drops and I can’t believe just how amazing and awesome Cas is. I mean I knew he was awesome, but I mean, he’s _reallyfuckingawesome_. “Dean? You okay?”

“I’m so happy, I could kiss you.”

“And I would protest and tell you to brush your teeth first.” Castiel chuckles and wrinkles his nose.

“You’re no better,” I growl and throw everything out the window, surging forward to crash my lips into his. He’s reluctant to deepen the kiss, but hell if I’m not the happiest guy in the whole fucking world. When I pull away, his lids are hooded and his lips are pink from the kiss. “You’re the best.” I say, so full of amazement and awe.

He just shrugs a noncommittal shoulder before breaking out into a knowing smirk.

 We get up and eat some food. Instead of the usual bacon and eggs, I op for a piece of cherry pie and _damn_ if it isn’t de-fucking-licious.

Before breakfast, Castiel stayed true to his word, relieving my morning wood with a mixture a gentle hands and an eager tongue. He’s been getting so good, too. I mean he’s amazing as is, the best I’ve ever had. And that’s saying something. But he’s getting adventurous, trying out different positions and I’m about ready to suggest other things, but not quite ready yet. I really appreciate his sexually adventurous nature; God knows I have the sex drive. But as of late, I haven’t. I had looked forward to making up for that over break but... things came up.

As I shovel a bite into my mouth, moaning around the forkful, Gabe walks in. He looks between me and my pornographic eating habits, and Castiel’s eyes wandering over me as I eat. He bites his lip because he’s got something to say, and it’s obvious.

“Spit it out, Gabe.” Castiel groans.

“Okay, I got a couple, how many am I allowed?” He’s way too happy to just crack jokes.

“Three.” Castiel allows.

“Okay, first: is he your... _cherry_ _pie_?” He waggles his brows at Castiel, and the sound of palm slapping forehead echoes through the kitchen.

“Weak,” I mumble through the mouthful, slowly chewing and savouring all of it. I definitely have to bite back a moan or two.

“Okay, okay. How many cherries you pop to make that pie?”

“Gag me with a spoon, why dontcha,” Castiel rolls his eyes, cheeks red with embarrassment.

“Okay, last one.” He pauses and thinks through them. “Did you go all _American Pie_ on it?”

I laugh after swallowing.

“I don’t get that reference.” Castiel quirks a brow.

Another laugh. “As much as I love pie, I would never stick my dick in one.” Sorry for the lewd comment Cas, but your brother just brings it out.

“Okay, I _really_ don’t understand that reference.” Castiel’s eyes are wide with horror and his nose is crinkled in distaste. “Why on earth would you... in a pie?”

“Where did I go wrong with you, Cassie? Where did I go wrong?” Gabriel mutters as he gets something from the fridge. Castiel still had a look of horror on his face when his brother leaves and I finish my gloriously delicious pie.

I find myself not wanting to leave. I don’t want to go back to a hungover father, and have to deal with his shit. But he’s had me worried for two months, so it’s time to get it over with.

I give Castiel a deep kiss and he reads into it. “You’ll do fine, Dean. I’m here if there’s anything you need.  _Anything_.” And while he means more of the talking kind of  _anything_  there’s a slight implement of a different  _anything_. I let out a small chuckle before kissing him quickly and getting into the car.

I pull out and he signs “I love you,” and I reciprocate it, a smile growing on my lips and a warmth starting up in my heart. That gives me a little boost and I speed off.

I open the door quietly, hoping Dad’s still passed out. But he’s not. He’s nursing a beer, Winchester cure for a hangover. I snatch it away and get him some water and a bottle of Advil. I grab an ice pack as well and the first aid kit so I can change his bandages. He takes the glass and Advil gratefully before speaking and straightening up.

“Where have you been?” He knocks back four gel pills and downs half the glass. I gingerly cup his cheek, turning his head left and right, looking over the scabbing cuts.

“Irrelevant. I’m the one who’s asking the questions,” I give him a stern look.

“I’m still your father, Dean,” and I accidentally let out a scoff at his words, and he furrows his brow before wincing. May as well tell him.

“At my boyfriend’s,” I smile as realisation dawns on his bruising face. “Now hold still. Where have  _you_  been?” I clean up the cuts once more, replacing the butterfly band aids.

“Dean, I can’t—“

“Shut it. You’re telling me or so help me God, I will leave you out on the curb.” I don’t mean to speak my mind so freely when he tenses up, hurt in his eyes, not physical, but emotional. I kick myself and clear my throat. “You’ve been gone for two months. I’ve been worried sick. Booby’s the only reason I didn’t go to the cops. Where have you been, dad? What the hell do you even do? And don’t you dare start with that ‘I can’t talk about it’ bullshit.”

His eyes widen before he winces once more, gesturing for the ice. He lets out a loud sigh before answering. “I started out in San Francisco. My old marine buddy Rufus called me up. Said he needed me—Dean, I’m answering your question, it’s a... a long story.” I try and protest but he shushes me. Like the obedient son I am, I sit back and hear him out, closing up the first-aid kit.

“Well, I’m waiting.” He glares at my tone and immediately I revert to our old routine. “Sorry, Sir.”

He sits back, reaching with his unoccupied hand for the glass of water. He takes a sip. “So, as you know, I used to be a Marine. Sort of stuck.” I bite back my scoff; hell yah it stuck, he had us calling him fucking  _sir_  sometimes. “When your mother died,” this wasn’t going to be an easy talk. I tense up and ready myself for his words. “I couldn’t handle it. She was always so good with you and Sam. You know how hard I took it. And that wasn't fair on you or your brother.” No shit. But finally, fucking finally, he was talking about it. “I tried to take care of you boys, but I always felt like I had failed you.”

“I thought I failed  _you_.” I but in.

He sighs. “Well, you didn't. If anything, you made me proud. You’re always so good to your brother, even now... Anyways, I started looking for a new job and I became a private contractor. I’d get called away for security details, old favours for friends; I’d take any job I was hired for. I had the skills and they’d be put to good use, whether it was in England or Brazil, New York or Los Angeles. That’s why I’d be away for so long and in such scattered patterns.” He pauses. He looks down into his glass. “And that wasn't fair to you or your brother.” His tone is full of guilt and pain and sorrow. “But I did it for you. I couldn’t stand the thought of failing you, so I hated doing it. But I still continued to do it. You’re stubbornness? Yah, you get that from me.” He laughs softly.

“I am  _not_  stubborn.” I smile up at him.

“Exactly, son. So Rufus called me up, said he was in trouble and needed help. Of course I couldn’t refuse him, he saved my ass more than once back in the day. I went up to San Fran to see what it was all about.” He sighs and takes another sip. “Damn idiot got cheated by some Irish bastard, and he spiralled into debt. Of course he couldn't keep away from the cards and chips, so he had some guys on his tail. They were easy to get rid of, local police wanted them for some petty stuff. But then the Leprechaun, as they called him—stupid, but fitting, he’s a nasty little bastard—came along to collect. This was when I had texted you that it would be longer than expected. And, Dean, I felt so terrible. You’ve got to know that.” He stops, staring at me intently until I finally nod. He coughs and lowers the ice to cover his mouth.

I wait until he’s done with the small coughing fit, and I suddenly worry if he got a punctured lung or something. “Did you get beat hard anywhere besides,” I gesture at his artful face. “Because, if you need a hospital—or a doctor or whatever, Bobby’s get that down.”

“Son, I know. I gave him a call and I’m all good.” I nod in an affirmative. “Rufus and I, we headed up to Oregon, he had an old buddy up there, Gordon,” dad shakes his head in distaste. “Real asshole, he was. But he helped us. He wasn’t always on the right side of the law, however, and we got into a few brawls over that. Finally, Rufus scraped together enough money to get the Leprechaun to back off,” I stifle a laugh. “What?”

“Sorry, it’s just... Paying with a pot of gold?” I snicker before he gives me another look. “Right, sorry sir.

“Enough with the ‘sir’ shit. I’m your dad. And I'm gonna start acting like it.” Yeah, uh-huh, sure John.

“Right, sorry, uh,  _dad_.”

“That’s better. So Gordon helped us out, the bastard’s good at helping out friends, but I do not approve of his ways. Eventually the police got a hold of him, so all’s well that ends well.” I wait, wait for the story of his current appearance. “This? I was helping him out yesterday when some thugs of the Leprechaun jumped us. Guess even while he’s awaiting trial he’s got people carrying out his business. Rufus insisted I get back home and be with my boys.” He offers a small smile. “Don't worry, the other guy’s in the hospital with broken ribs. Had a helluva hard face though.” He glances at his wrist he’s icing. “And Rufus referred me to a good private security company. Less travelling, more time for my boys.” He offers a small smile and I can’t help myself from returning it. “Truce?” He offers his hand.

“Truce,” I smile as I have the sudden urge and lean in to hug him. He tenses up at first but then relaxes into the touch and wraps his arms around me. I know he’s holding back tears and I quickly compose myself. “Sam’s gonna stay at his friend’s for the better part of break, and I’ll be out a bit...” There was another matter that needed discussing.

“So, this boyfriend, that kid that helped you study?” Why is he not freaking out? Unless...

“Was it that obvious?” I ask with a small blush.

“Dean, you’re my son. I know that look, too. It’s obvious to me.” He pauses, clearly there is a little tension about his comfort with the subject. “Just, don’t let me catch you mackin’ on the couch.”

“Nobody says ‘mackin’, dad.” I grin.

“Bring him ‘round for dinner, alright?”

“Not with you looking like shit,” I mutter before he eyes me and then laughs.

“Okay, true. Don’t want him thinking the worst of me.” I bite my lip at his words. I look down at my hands. “Dean?”

“He already does, dad. You’ve been gone awhile and he’s the only one that’s been there for me. He knows the situation as well as I do.” I mumble before meeting his gaze.

“Well... It’s good you’ve got someone that cares so much. Your mother was the same way. I’m uh, I’m happy for you Dean.” He pauses. “Is this, like, a phase? Or are you serious about this kid? It’s just high school, son.” And yah, that’s true. Why should a kid be having these feelings? Those were for later in life, but I can't help it. I love Cas. I do.

“This isn't a  _phase_  dad, I really like Cas, he’s... he’s a good guy. He’s smart, and funny.” I pause and think of just how fucking awesome Cas is. “He even got me the turquoise edition of that Zeppelin album. Vinyl.” His eyes go wide.

“You ain’t lettin’ this one get away, ya hear?”

“Alright, dad. Whatever you say.” I'm glad he likes Castiel. I’m more than glad. This went a lot better than expected. Granted I'm still pissed at him, but he is my dad and I’ve got a certain amount of respect for the guy. But I’m going to make sure Sam doesn't have to see him like this. For everyone’s sake.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ["Papercut"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CrbIrc6VA2k) by The Summer Set  
>  "Valentine's Day" by Linkin Park


End file.
